so fnucking pissed off right now

Discussion in 'Archived Discussions' started by Penguin-Goon, May 8, 2009.

  1. *mel*

    *mel* Super Moderator Staff Member

    ((((Nika)))) So sorry hunny [​IMG] I think you are making the right decision asking him to leave for a while. Use this time to think things through. I know it's not easy and you want your marriage to work but he has to work at it too! Hopefully some time away will make him realise just what he has.

  2. iampam

    iampam Active Member

  3. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    He got some of his stuff and left. He's actually gone. I know I told him to go but I'm heartbroken. I'm really just completely miserable. I don't know what to do next. I don't know anything.

  4. TDG

    TDG New Member

    aw Nika..Im so sorry. I know right now everything feels SO painful and hard but it will get easier. This is the only way he will either know what hes loseing and change for real, or you will KNOW change will never happen and move on with your life. You and your girls deserve so much better and I promise if this doesnt teach him you and the girls can have a very happy fulfilled life without him and his BS. Stay strong!

  5. Temptress Tally

    Temptress Tally Super Moderator Staff Member

    Im sorry to hear you going through this Goon [​IMG] but look at the date you started this thread it was 2009 so its about time you put your foot down and be hard. Your decision to ask him to leave was a good step forward as much as its hurting he needs to realize that if he continues he's crap you will leave him.

  6. KawaiiNot

    KawaiiNot Active Member

    Oh, Nika. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be so rough having your life ripped apart like this. I can understand feeling like all direction and predictability is gone and feeling totally lost.

    But here is my advice. Go find a therapist. Not for you and him, but for yourself. I think you need to get to the bottom of why you have stayed in this relationship for so long. He has treated you and your children so disrespectfully, and there is a reason behind you accepting it. Be it low self esteem or a lack of good role models to illustrate a solid relationship, or a combination of a lot of things, it doesn't matter. Because let me tell you, this is not what a good, productive relationship is like.
    You keep trying to fix him, maybe thinking as long as he is there he will understand how to be a good partner and father, but I think your energy is being wasted in the wrong place. I honestly think the key to your happiness is to turn the focus to yourself. Find out what it is you need and how to get it. Learn how to be nice to yourself, define what is needed for you to be happy, and only then see if SO can give that to you.

    You have the power to turn this in to personal growth. Not letting it damage you but build you up and give you life tools.
    Think about your daughters too, you are modeling what is acceptable for them. They look at you and your SO to define what a relationship is like, and how to be treated. Personally I feel this is a huge responsibility, but one I take very seriously.
    Ask yourself, is this what I want for my daughters? How can I give them the tools they deserve to end up in a healthy happy relationship based on trust and respect?

    I am not saying your relationship could never work again, I'm just saying it can never go back to what it was. It is destructive for all of you.
    Maybe you and SO can find love again in a positive way, but I think you both need to get the help you need to get there. You need to fix what is broken in yourself before letting him in again.

    You can be happy, Nika. You deserve to be happy. I think the path to your happiness is one you need to take by yourself, not with Charles. Like he needs to take his own path. Maybe you can find each other again, but not as the people you are now.

    Please look for someone to guide you through this. A person that can solely focus on you and what is best for you. Invest in that, and know that you are worth it. I wish you all the best. We are all rooting for you. ((hugs))

  7. Weirdartist

    Weirdartist New Member

    [​IMG] Hope things get better for you soon. It is better to show your little ones mummy working hard and (eventually) happy than mummy working hard because daddy isn't pulling his weight.

  8. labby06

    labby06 Active Member

    I'm so sorry, Goon, but I agree with much that has been said here. This has been going on far too long. It seems to me like he has some massive growing up to do. He has children and wife and a household to run now, and maybe it all happened too fast and before he (or either of you) were ready, but it happened. You have stepped up to the plate and have taken responsibility and have done all that you can to provide for your girls. Now it's time for him to do the same. You really don't want your girls growing up thinking that this is what daddies do - play with their toys and come home and lay around all night. And you surely don't want them getting older and finding the things he has been doing on the computer.

    I hope taking a break will give him a chance to realize what he has lost, and what he needs to do to get it back. Please don't let him say "I'm sorry, I'll change" in a few days and take him back, because we all know these changes don't happen overnight. Make him prove it to you by taking the girls and spending time with them. Find a counselor to talk to on your own, and also with him if/when he comes around. Don't let him off the hook and back into your lives so quickly. Make him work for it because if it's truly what he wants, he will. If he thinks it's too much work, then you know you're not his priority and you are not worth it to him and that should give you a clear indication of where he can go.

    Good luck and as hard as it is, try to keep your head up. You WILL get through this!

  9. iampam

    iampam Active Member

    Goon I'm so sorry that you guy are going through this [​IMG] I don't have much advice other than you can't make him stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in. It sounds like even if he hasn't strayed physically, he has emotionally. I think if you left things as is, the physical would eventually follow.

    This isn't something you've taken lightly, you've been trying really really hard to make things work, but it's a two way street and eventually he's got to put some effort in as well. I'm so sorry that he's not rising to the occasion and taking responsibility for himself and his family.

    Do you have any family members that can stay with you for a few days or weeks?

  10. GreenTea

    GreenTea Super Moderator Staff Member

    That was such a brave thing for you to do. Like others said, it's what he needs... and really, what you need. Saying no to a situation that's just draining you is the best thing you could have done. Congratulations on being strong enough to do it... and yes, you are very strong, whether or not you feel it.

    What has this marriage brought you so far? Surely you do want the situation having a partner who doesn't pull his weight, cheats or at least attempts to cheat, disrespects your feelings, and makes you do all the work to end. That's what this marriage has been.

    I can see that you don't want the idea of the marriage to end. Maybe you don't want your status as married to end. But as for the benefits of marriage, Charles has already taken that away from you. What's left?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  11. BethG

    BethG New Member

    I know it hurts to have him leave, but having him beg to stay, promising he'll change, well, that's not going to solve anything either. He needs to realize that his life is better is you and the girls in it. Only he can make that decision. You've played nice in the past. I think it's time for hardball. And like Kawaii said (and I told you too), it would help for you to talk to someone.

    Someone (TDG?) mentioned low self-esteem, but I wonder if the problem is somehow his? Like he needs to gratification of hearing from another woman (even if it's "only" in an online fling/email relationship) that he's desireable. I'm sure you express it, but maybe something to ponder.....

  12. GreenTea

    GreenTea Super Moderator Staff Member

    Whoa... the real question here is what Goon needs. So far, she has been focused on her husband's needs, bending over backwards to make the marriage work. And he hasn't been telling her she's desirable. His actions have been telling her the opposite. If he'd rather run around than make even half an effort to have a relationship with her, what does that say?

    If anyone's entitled to look elsewhere, it's her, not him, and she hasn't done that. He doesn't get any excuses.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  13. Raunchy-Row

    Raunchy-Row Super Moderator Staff Member

    I have to agree with GT on this one, I don't think he gets any more chances (or deserves any!)--this is a long-term problem and Goon, you've tried so many solutions.

    To me, when I hear "sleeps all the time" and is withdrawing from his family, I immediately think depression. But ultimately, no matter what his problem is, you have two sweet kidlets to look after and provide a great and positive experience to while they're with you, and you can't do that if you're miserable!

    You can do this. You're strong, and smart, and sweet, and sexy, and you deserve better!

  14. iampam

    iampam Active Member

    Depression is definitely possible, but it doesn't excuse the skeevy online behavior.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  15. iampam

    iampam Active Member

    It is rare, but it is possible for some families to truly move forward after infidelity, and I would imagine it is easier if there is no physical infidelity.

    BUT it takes complete remorse on the part of the person who cheated, willingness to have complete accountability and willingness to do extensive counseling. It also takes the partner being willing to forgive and to also do extensive counseling. I would imagine that forgiving such a thing is extremely difficult.

    But in this case, the offending partner does not seem interested in changing his behavior, so it's a moot point.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  16. desertgirl

    desertgirl Active Member

    Goon, sorry you are going through this again. It takes a strong person to stand up for herself and her daughters. I know you have baby fever, but I hope that you start using protection and not depend on Charles's using withdrawal. He'll have no problem manipulating you into getting pregnant and using that to rope you back into depending on him for the few things he brings into the relationship, mainly money and insurance.

  17. Juicy-Juls

    Juicy-Juls Active Member

    PG, I know you are going to hear many differing opinions about being able to move forward after cheating, but I agree with Pam.

    It takes work, but if BOTH want it to work it can and will hunny!!!

    Right now, your emotions are going to be all over the place, so do not, I repeat do not make any decisions about anything right now..Just take it one day at a time, and allow yourself to feel the emotions, allow yourself to deal with the emotions...AND make sure you do not allow anyone to invalidate your feelings right now, just as you should not invalidate anyone else's feelings..

    Things happen for a reason, find out the whats and hows, think them through...I am not saying stay and work it out, just look deep into the situation for the real answers!!!

    Keep your chin up sweetheart! I am so sorry you are going through this yet again...It really does sound like he has never grown up! Which makes the situation even harder....
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  18. KawaiiNot

    KawaiiNot Active Member

    What's happening, Goon? How are you doing?

  19. JillF

    JillF Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. This emotional rollercoaster is a ride you have been on for many years.

    Maybe it is time to get off the ride?

    Sorry, if that is harsh, but IMO- I feel that Charles has not proven that he has a real desire-- or the ability- to change and be better.

    Seems to me that yes, he does know how to play the good husband and father when he feels it is beneficial- but give him some time, and hes back to the same irresponsible, selfish behaviour.

    Relationships like this can be a bit addictive in nature. After the extreme lows of it-- the highs can feel so good. The times he surprises you and does something sweet; or when he comes to you with tears in his eyes and says he doesn't want to lose you; or when he does something that reminds you of why you fell in love; or when he promises to never do it again and actually follows through for awhile--- well, those moments can cause you to hold onto the hope that you really can make it work.

    Problem is, that he ends up going back to former behaviours once he feels he has done his "duty" and made you feel better. He keeps getting away with the same behaviour, so what hes learned is to put forth enough effort to give you hope and want to stay-- and then hes back at his improper behaviour again.

    It can be hard to get out of a situation like this, especially when children are involved. When you establish ties and put down roots with someone- even when the roots don't go as deep as they should-- its hard to pick up and start fresh. You have a deep hope that all the ups and downs haven't been all for nothing-- and that he will come to his senses and it will work.

    But hun, there comes a time when you have to decide if you want to keep going through the same issues over and over again.

    Yes, you want your marriage to work- but it seems that you have been alone in this marriage for a very long time.

    How many more years are you going to keep hoping and wishing?

    Now I'm not saying that there is no hope- but its pretty obvious that after several years of this, there has been no significant and lasting change on his behalf.

    Yes, it could work- but ONLY if he really is willing to make it work. And how do you trust that he really does mean it when he keeps saying it and then going back on his word over and over again?

    You, sweet lady, do not deserve to be going through this again and again. Neither do your children. Do you really want to spend several more years with a man whos main focus is himself?

    You may also feel that "giving up" means that you and your marriage are a failure. That is not completely true however. You have gotten two beautiful girls from it and it has been a chance for you to learn, grow and take charge of who you are and who you want to become.

    You need to focus on yourself and your girls now. At this point in time, it needs to be about you and your girls and only you and your girls. Not Charles. Charles has shown a complete inability to stick with his word. Over and over he has betrayed your trust, made promises he didn't keep, did things behind your back, and been untruthful and irresponsible.

    This is not a case of a one time slip-up -- but a pattern of behavior that has been repeated over and over again through the years.

    And if YOU don't call a stop to it now- I am betting it will go on for many more years. ONLY if he is truly willing to make a change- will it work. But I would be VERY skeptical of any promises he makes. After all- his promises don't tend to stick.

    It is your responsibility alone to take charge of your life and decide where you want it to go. Do you want more of the same? More of the heartache and sorrow? If so, then take him back.

    But like I said in 2009 when I commented on this issue-- there are just too many red flags here. And now, I would say, that theres a very well-established pattern of behaviour on both his part and yours.

    I know its hard to-- but be strong. I know you can be, because only a strong woman could have put up with this for so many years. Be hopeful-- not for him now, but for you and your girls.

    Don't feel you have failed. You can't make this work on your own.

    I know you say you don't want your marriage to end. Most people really don't. But how much have you really gained from this marriage when it comes to him? Distrust, heartache, sadness, sorrow, depression.... not what I would call reasons to stick with it.

    IMO- this borderlines on emotional abuse. Yeah- he may not call you names and cut you down- but hes been abusing your emotions for years. He plays with your emotions to his advantage when he needs to- and then he messes with them when he misbehaves again and again.

    I'm really sorry if I am harsh or telling you what you don't want to hear. I don't want to be harsh. But I look at what you've gone through over and over and my heart aches for it.

    Its not right to keep suffering in this way. The few high times- where hes being good and loving and surprising -- DO NOT make up for all the bad times.

    Until or if he is willing to grow up and get serious- I just don't see much favorable resolution here. And my concern is-- How would you know he meant it if he said he was serious? He has proven over and over and over again that he really isn't all that serious.

    Its all up to you to make the decision that you feel is right.

    I wish you to have all the strength and fortitude that you need to get through this-- however you decide to do it.

    But if it were me- I would run away. Very Fast. I know some people may tell me that its much more complicated then that. But at this point in time, I'm not sure it is.

    What really are your choices here? You can take him back and get more of the same-- for most likely many more years. Or you can take charge and move on.

    Maybe Charles will catch up someday- but I find that I'm very skeptical of that at this time.

    Even though I know its hard, especially with children, I think you would also being doing it FOR your children. It doesn't mean he doesn't have a place in their lives- but do you really want them to grow up thinking this is how relationships are supposed to be?

    Take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you.

  20. KawaiiNot

    KawaiiNot Active Member

    It's been almost two months, are you OK, Goon?


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