so fnucking pissed off right now

Discussion in 'Archived Discussions' started by Penguin-Goon, May 8, 2009.

  1. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    back and forth. things are good then iffy, but we are seeing our pastor weekly now (we went last week and it was very helpful and we have another meeting with him on monday). we still are having some issues, but for the mean time trying to work them out with the help of the pastor. we will see where things go....

  2. GreenTea

    GreenTea Super Moderator Staff Member

    I hope the pastor agrees with all of us that Charles needs to do his share, and you shouldn't be bending over backward while he does nothing. That's really what he needs to hear, I think.

  3. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    he does. in fact last week when we went, thats exactly what he was saying, and the questions he was asking i could tell were really showing charles how much hes f*cked up, and it got to the point that charles totally broke down and stopped talking all together and said it was over, because he couldnt handle hearing it. but the pastor somehow turned everything back around and got him talking again. things are still iffy. i mean hes trying, but really not hard enough... im still hoping with pastors help we can continue to improve things though.

    we have a lot to talk about next week. i have a feeling this weekend is going to be rough, but im trying my hardest to be optimistic. its just hard sometimes.

  4. wyme

    wyme Active Member

    That's good, hun. Hang in there. Is the pastor helping you, too, with better ways to communicate?

    Whatever happens in the long run, you'll need to know in your heart that you've given it your best shot. We are all hoping that will result in you taking pride in a good relationship, and realizing that you are a good woman and a wonderful wife, and expecting to be treated as such.

    What's got you worried about this weekend?

    My BIL has moved back to Concord - do I need to send him over to stomp a mud hole in C's ass??? [​IMG]

  5. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    well for starters he came home from work late on monday, he had gone to his uncle vics house to help him and his brother work on a car (which woulda been fine if he called to tell me, but instead when i finally text him asking when he would be home cause his work hours vary so much he said he was already off, be home when they were done working on this truck...) and then when he gets home he says, do you remember that green mustang sitting in uncle vics yard? and i honestly didnt, i said if i saw it again i probably would, why? he said i bought it. i was like WTF?!? you bought ANOTHER car without even talking to me first?? then hes online looking at turbo parts and stuff for it, and he says i know what your thinking, but its not like the neon, i can turbo this car for like $150 (the neon parts were VERY expensive, like the turbo kit he eventually put on it was closer to $1200) and i pretty much said thats fine and dandy but seriously, how do you expect us to even come up with the money to transfer the title and register and insure ANOTHER car??? i was so mad! i explained to him, its not like you traded another car for it, or sold one and got this, this is going to make the insurance go UP! and it costs close to $250 just to swap the title and register another car regardless.

    so then fast forward to wed night, i text him when im making dinner, asking when he will be home (cause i put his dinner covered in the microwave if hes going to be working late so he can eat it when he gets home) and he says an hour or so and then i am going to vics to get a better look at the mustang. i said, ok when are you going to be home then?? he says 8 or so. so AGAIN after the girls are in bed?? yup, again hes home after the girls get are in bed.

    meanwhile, wed afternoon my mom was over playing with the girls, and mentioned this cool thing going on saturday in concord, a bunch of bouncy house things and tons of fun stuff for the kids, and then they are also having a classic car show! i figured, win win right there, he gets to do car stuff AND kid stuff and everyones happy. so wed after hes home i tell him about it and he didnt say anything, so i was like well do you want to go, and he says i dunno. and i said you already have other plans dont you. he says no. then he starts talking about how he hopes he can get off work early on thursday or friday so he can get the mustang from vics to our yard (it has been sitting for 6 years and doesnt run yet... yay...) and still never really agreed to doing family stuff this weekend. thats one thing the pastor told us to do during the week, plan our weekends out ahead of time, so that no one ends up angry and disappointed (aka, me when he does whatever he wants) and now hes not helping me do that.

    since he wouldnt agree to go, if he follows his usual MO that means that the day of he wont say anything at all, ill tell him i want to get the kids ready to go, ill get everyone ready, then ill pack a bag and get myself ready and everything while he watches TV, then he will make an excuse or say he doesnt want to go or whatever, ill get pissed and ill take the kids by myself cause they are already excited and ready, so then i am pissed off all day long over it.

    so im really trying to stay positive about everything but im really mad about the car thing, and now im apprehensive about this weekend. i honestly dont see it going well, but im going to give him the benefit of the doubt...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  6. wyme

    wyme Active Member

    Oh Nika, I would be PISSED. Not so much about the weekend, but about the car, absolutely. That thing hasn't been running for 6 years? It's going to take a lot more than $150 to fix it.

  7. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    Oh I know it's going to cost more than that to get it running he's just saying it will only cost that much to turbo it after he gets it running as if that's supposed to make me feel better...

  8. Raunchy-Row

    Raunchy-Row Super Moderator Staff Member

    I say you just pack up the kids on Saturday and leave without even telling him where you're going. Go have a great, fantastic day somewhere YOU want to go, and leave him wondering where YOU are. Don't invite him, don't ask him what he's doing, and don't plan him in or plan around what he wants to do. See what he does.

    If he doesn't care, then you know you're with someone who honestly cares about himself more than his family. If he gets mad and asks what the heck you think you're doing, then you can sweetly smile and tell him that's how YOU feel all the time.

    Also, PS: STOP MAKING HIM MEALS. Tell him if he wants to eat cooked food, he can be home when you cook it. You're being TOO good of a homemaker, and he's taking it all for granted....
    And...PPS: ixnay on the car. Can you move money to where he can't get at it? I mean, I know it's a jerky game to play, but he's putting you into a tough place financially without even consulting you--maybe you should take control of the family finances and start putting money away, even a little a month, for just in case you and the girls DO need to move out or be self-sufficient.

    GRRRRR for some reason this is making me REALLY mad today.

  9. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member

    What a douche bag. It's time to start making him honor his commitments. He should be happy that you're thinking about him and trying to accomodate the kids, too. That makes you awesome and he should appreciate it, not take advantage.

  10. TDG

    TDG New Member

    He needs to GROW UP! Holy smokes. I would have murdered DF for buying a car without talking to me first(even if it was a needed one-not a damn toy!) Talking about the cost of a turbo just shows he isnt thinking like an adult(thinking of registering/insurance etc)..hes thinkin like a 16 year old!

  11. I second Row's advice completely. I mean, seriously, this guy is just a big snotty brat... it doesn't seem like he's really trying that hard. Buying a car without even thinking of the finances or to ask you was immeasurably childish. And what's all this "I don't know" BS? You put an effort into considering something that everybody would enjoy doing but he's too much of a kid to see past what he wants and only what he wants. That alone is a pretty good example of where his priorities lie.

    I say check out. Stop considering him, period. Stop getting angry at him, stop doing ANYTHING for him. Like Row said: Get out and do what you want, make it a fun day for you and the girls, and forget about him completely - all the bad AND the good. Quit paying any mind to him and focus on yourself. Why shouldn't you if that's what he does all the time? Give him the same amount of consideration that he gives you. It's only fair.

    This is beyond ridiculous and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It takes two to fix something, and it's clear you're putting the effort into it, but you can't make him. Put your foot down, fight fire with fire and make your point very clear. I really don't think he'll get the message otherwise.

  12. wyme

    wyme Active Member

    While I agree with this - I'd call it "the logical consequences of being a total ass" - I just want to point out what Nika is probably thinking...

    It's unbelievably HARD to be independent, and get out and do what YOU want when you have two tiny children. Once one of them gets to be about 5, it's doable - but with two under three years old? It's so hard that it's usually just not worth it. I stayed in a marriage that I should have ended a long time ago because I had twins. If I'd just had one baby, I'da been gone. But with two? There's something very intimidating and very real about being outnumbered. [​IMG]

    Nika, he's being a child. Think in terms of how you would deal with a child. Dinner is at 7:00. If you aren't here and haven't called by 7:00, you'll have to get your own dinner.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  13. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    i did this once. i got the answer i didnt want. he didnt call me till he realized it was after kaydees bedtime (this was before i was even preggo with julie) and i told him at that point i wasnt coming home. i stayed at my moms for the night, its a long story from there, but you obviously know the ending since were still here doing this.

    i am very frustrated. i just found out my SIL was at uncle vics house, the day he got the car. and she flat out told him, "you better call your wife and talk to her about this before you do it, or shes gonna be calling me asking me for help hiding your body" and he still didnt talk to me one bit before just doing what he wanted. im sooooo mad and frustrated about this!!! i dont know what im doing.

    ARGH. i dont think this weekend is going to go well. i am not going to promise anything cause i never know what im going to do, but i have a feeling if he doesnt step up this weekend and do what he promised when we met with pastor last week, im going to tell him to leave. i dont know what else to do! i feel like im not even a wife anymore, he doesnt even consult me when making big decisions, he goes out after work to work on the car and stuff without even calling to let me know. i mean, WTF???
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  14. Raunchy-Row

    Raunchy-Row Super Moderator Staff Member

    Well, there's your answer. What are you going to do about it?

    Seriously, at the MINIMUM you need to stop doing his laundry, making his meals, and considering his feelings. If he were 5, you'd spank him and send him to bed without supper--if he were 12, you'd take away his privileges, ground him, or something similar. Since he's a "grown up" your only option is to stop making his life so damn EASY and spend your well-deserved energetic time on yourself and your children. Let him take care of himself, since he's obviously only interested in doing that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013

  15. TDG

    TDG New Member

    wyme--I see your point about the kids..but since shes already doing 90%(or more?) by herself I doubt itll be any harder without him.

    I agree with everyone--you shouldnt be makin him a frozen pizza if he cant consider you enough to call when he decides he just isnt coming home after work! You must have the patience of a saint because Id literally have murdered him by now(and I think Im very patient! lol)

  16. I'm not necessarily saying end the marriage right now - more, I'm saying that I would personally stop giving more consideration than I got in it. Not breaking it off, just fighting fire with fire.

    And after that, if he still continued what he's doing right now, THEN it might be time to seriously consider ending it. If you treat him the way he treats you and he still carries on, I think it's safe to assume he just might not care to change.

  17. Lily_Blossom

    Lily_Blossom New Member

    Oh wow, Nika I just saw this, I rarely check here.

    All I know is that Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

    You'd be insane to keep putting up with this honey. He is acting like a teenager, not a married man in an equal relationship. Absolutely disgusting behavior. Nobody can tell you what to do, but it seems to me like you are right back to where you where before, and none of his sorry's seem to stick or make a difference.

    Good luck in what you decide to do, you have two kids and it's always sad to see a family break up, but if he keeps this up, he doesn't deserve you or the marriage.

  18. Seerah

    Seerah Member

    I just spent the past hour and a half reading/catching up, and I feel like I have to say something.

    PG, he's not going to change. I think you harbor such hope that he will. I think you hope so desperately that he will change that it clouds your thinking, and any little positive action he exhibits just feeds that desperate hope that he will change.

    I just read all your posts and it's been over a year, and from what I've read, everything has obviously gone on longer than that.

    If he really wanted to change, he would have by now.

    It's so easy for him because you always accept him and take him back. He's taking ADVANTAGE of your HOPE, because it's easier for him to do that than to look you in the face and tell you he doesn't want this life with you anymore, maybe never really did, that he can't hack it.

    If he had to do that, then he'd have to admit what a weak bastard he is to himself, and admitting that to himself will "make it true"

    And it's not to say he doesn't love you, in his way he probably does, but this love is not enough to change him, to motivate him, to make him become a husband and a father.

    There is nothing you can do or say that will make him change. There aren't enough microwave dinners, awesome sex, nothing that will make him do what you want him to do, which is of course to be a loyal and loving husband and father. He has not been either to you or your girls.

    Either you accept he won't change and accept this life and learn to be ok with it or you reject it, reject him and pursue a life of love and happiness for you and your girls.

    Because there are men out there, men who DO treat women right, who ARE amazing fathers, who are SINCERELY COMMITTED to their wives and children. Not perfect, but men who have the SELF-motivation to be like this, and it's not because their wives are hoping or begging that they be like this, it's because these men WANT to and so just ARE loving husbands and fathers. I'm sorry but Charles is not one of them, and from everything I've read, he won't be with you.

    There are tons of reasons for him, all of which just reminds everyone that he is just human. Some people aren't cut out for committed relationships, parenthood, or being responsible for themselves let alone a partner or children. It's not necessarily such a terrible thing, it's kind of like when some women say they don't want children. Is this wrong? No! They know what they want and know what they don't want and they are being honest.

    Now what I do feel is terrible is when people aren't honest with themselves, and so they pretend, the do the bare minimum, they try to get by, they try to play a role that people expect them to play/be, they say and do things that gets them off the hook at that particular moment, and it makes them miserable, and it makes the people around them miserable.

    If you're not happy, you won't enjoy your girls. You have to think of yourself, first and foremost. That sounds selfish but you can't be an effective person or even mother if you don't take care of you first. Are you happy? What are your needs? What do you want to do? What do you not want to do? What are your goals? What do you want out of your life, for YOU, not for the girls or for your husband, what do you want for you?

    It's like I told a friend of mine, you have to think of life like during an emergency situation on an airplane and oxygen masks.

    They always say, put on your oxygen mask first before helping children or others around you. Which of course makes sense. No matter how kind and altruistic you are, helping out other people or your girls without a mask, you could pass out and die. Then how much help could you be?

    Be honest with yourself, give your dreams and goals and wishes respect. Be kind to yourself.

    So PG, put that oxygen mask on you first.

  19. GreyWolf

    GreyWolf Member


    I hate to say this but I must agree with Seerah on this.

    You might not realize this but your daughters see what is happening. The may not understand it yet but they will. When they do understand it the are going to see it as "the norm".

    Do you want your daughters to grow up and be treated this way by their man?

    They most likely will if they spend their entire lives thinking this is normal and tolerated over and over again.

    Just something to think about,


  20. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    well i finally asked him to leave for a while. i think hes going to stay with his brother for a couple weeks. he was back to sleeping all the time, sleeping late on weekends and napping all day and even after work before the girls were even in bed, doing whatever he wanted when he wanted to, not helping me out with the kids or the house at all. i found more emails he had been responding to posts for sex again. also talking to a couple exes on FB all of which he says was innocent, nothing happened, he woulda never followed through. my heart it completely broken, i dont know what to do or think. i dont know what to do with myself. hes going to come home tonight to get some stuff but im not sure when yet, i asked him to please let me know. i dont want our marriage to end [​IMG]


Share This Page