i'm in the middle of the hardest time i've had since my loss (with the exception of my due date). i am not doing well at all, to put it very, very mildly, and i really wanted to talk about this with women who understand, get your feedback, your ideas for how to survive this... so. basically i am in the midst of being hit by a million excruciatingly painful dates. it started with mother's day. now. coming up: anniversary after anniversary. this sunday the day we conceived, the 24th the day i had implantation bleeding, the 6th the day i got my BFP, the 10th our u/s, and then the hardest, the 22nd, the day of my miscarriage. i am so depressed that i am not functioning well at all. it's all i can do to get out of bed. i'm crying a lot, i'm feeling a lot of anger, i'm having really bad anxiety. i'm also really sick (i posted about this a few weeks ago i think), because whenever i'm bad emotionally i get bad physically. so i am now on my third round of antibiotics and i throw up all night every night, i'm coughing all the time, my voice is gone. and i'm so depressed that i don't even care. my doctor gave me a referral for a chest x-ray on monday and i still haven't even made the appointment, which is not like me. i have also been feeling incredibly intense anger toward my h, for two reasons. first, he just does not understand. i asked him awhile back how much he thinks about the baby and he said he thinks every once in awhile about "the idea" of him. and i know it's different for him- to him, our baby was an idea, a possibility that never came to pass. to me, our baby is a human being, the most important person in my life, who lived (and then died) inside of me. second, i still haven't gotten over what happened during the actual miscarriage. i started bleeding in the afternoon. by the time we got to the dr and had the u/s, he said pretty much everything had passed and sent me home. so i had a natural m/c. when we got home, my h took two xanax, which i totally understand, i really do. but because that sedated him and also because i think he couldn't deal with it and needed to escape, he feel asleep a few hours after we got home. i spent the entire night miscarrying our baby alone, trying everything i could to wake him up- screaming (literally, at the top of my lungs) into his ears, physically sitting him up and shaking him- and he would not wake up. i finally got him up around 2 am and he stayed up for an hour and then went back to sleep. so i spent the whole night sitting alone on the couch, bleeding and cramping and shaking and sobbing, listening to him snoring in the next room. i honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to get past this. when i brought it up the next day he got defensive and i just dropped it. months later i talked to him about it and we finally really talked it out. and i asked him what he thought/how he'd feel if he were me, and he said it was horrible. that made me feel much better, and i thought i was over it until it resurfaced big time a few days ago. i don't know what to do. to say i am falling apart is an understatement. i'm not losing it- i have lost it. i need help. any thoughts or words of advice would be so greatly appreciated. thank you so, so much for listening, and i am so very sorry for your losses.