so depressed- anniversary of loss

Discussion in 'Surviving Miscarriage' started by emsa, May 19, 2012.

  1. emsa

    emsa New Member

    i'm in the middle of the hardest time i've had since my loss (with the exception of my due date). i am not doing well at all, to put it very, very mildly, and i really wanted to talk about this with women who understand, get your feedback, your ideas for how to survive this...

    so. basically i am in the midst of being hit by a million excruciatingly painful dates. it started with mother's day. now. coming up: anniversary after anniversary. this sunday the day we conceived, the 24th the day i had implantation bleeding, the 6th the day i got my BFP, the 10th our u/s, and then the hardest, the 22nd, the day of my miscarriage.

    i am so depressed that i am not functioning well at all. it's all i can do to get out of bed. i'm crying a lot, i'm feeling a lot of anger, i'm having really bad anxiety. i'm also really sick (i posted about this a few weeks ago i think), because whenever i'm bad emotionally i get bad physically. so i am now on my third round of antibiotics and i throw up all night every night, i'm coughing all the time, my voice is gone. and i'm so depressed that i don't even care. my doctor gave me a referral for a chest x-ray on monday and i still haven't even made the appointment, which is not like me.

    i have also been feeling incredibly intense anger toward my h, for two reasons. first, he just does not understand. i asked him awhile back how much he thinks about the baby and he said he thinks every once in awhile about "the idea" of him. and i know it's different for him- to him, our baby was an idea, a possibility that never came to pass. to me, our baby is a human being, the most important person in my life, who lived (and then died) inside of me.

    second, i still haven't gotten over what happened during the actual miscarriage. i started bleeding in the afternoon. by the time we got to the dr and had the u/s, he said pretty much everything had passed and sent me home. so i had a natural m/c. when we got home, my h took two xanax, which i totally understand, i really do. but because that sedated him and also because i think he couldn't deal with it and needed to escape, he feel asleep a few hours after we got home. i spent the entire night miscarrying our baby alone, trying everything i could to wake him up- screaming (literally, at the top of my lungs) into his ears, physically sitting him up and shaking him- and he would not wake up. i finally got him up around 2 am and he stayed up for an hour and then went back to sleep. so i spent the whole night sitting alone on the couch, bleeding and cramping and shaking and sobbing, listening to him snoring in the next room. i honestly don't know if i'll ever be able to get past this. when i brought it up the next day he got defensive and i just dropped it. months later i talked to him about it and we finally really talked it out. and i asked him what he thought/how he'd feel if he were me, and he said it was horrible. that made me feel much better, and i thought i was over it until it resurfaced big time a few days ago.

    i don't know what to do. to say i am falling apart is an understatement. i'm not losing it- i have lost it. i need help. any thoughts or words of advice would be so greatly appreciated. thank you so, so much for listening, and i am so very sorry for your losses.

     
  2. Confused-Hasya

    Confused-Hasya Active Member

    emsa, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

    It is but natural to feel upset.

    Sometimes, when one faces a loss, one finds it easier to deal with by getting irrationally angry at someone else for some perceived wrong. Am I calling you irrational? I don't know, but I am speaking from experience of my own losses in my life. He did what he did to cope. Insensitive? Perhaps. but not something that you should keep putting him on the trial for. If you've already really talked it out.

    Is this the first anniversary of your loss?

    I promise you, it gets better. I still think about the days and it doesn't help for me that the anniversary of another big loss comes in the midst of all of that. But hang in there, it really does get better. Focus on other things. Are you trying to conceive again?

    BTW, to anyone else, it WILL be an idea except for you. Only women who have faced such a loss know what you're talking about. It does NOT make one a lout for not understanding. One can empathize but never truly understand and that is ok, because it is in the nature of losses. Think about what would happen if he fell apart at this time too. You may feel better for about 2 min that he feels it as acutely too, but you'd both be snarling at each other.

    Do start getting on with your life. You have to force yourself. No one can do that for you. Go out with friends. Read a book. Watch a movie.

    My coping mechanism? I bought and watched the entire series of my favorite show on DVD. I still do so whenever I feel awful.

     

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