I haven't posted in awhile, my wife survived cancer but our sex life did not. We have been celibate for a long time. Our marriage is open. She gave me the green light to find and affair. She even got involved and helped me with some perspective about things women said that I didn't understand. Here's the rub. Very very few women want to get involved in a situation like this. And of the ones that do, how many are you going to have a mutual spark with? The numbers are not good and the odds are so staggeringly stacked against you. In the act of looking I am getting my hopes up and than getting rejected or just crushed. Just when you have a friend and there is a possibility, she meets a single guy and you are toast. I am happy for her. I knew I would only be temporary. But never even got to the temporary stage. That is why I got married, I was never good at handling rejection and as a married man, open marriage or not, you are a lower form of life to be used abused and discarded at will. I can't do this anymore. I am heart broken over what happened to my wife. I still love her more than the day we married. And I cannot take the cycle of rejection that goes with trying to find someone. I have to learn to live with celibacy. Very unhappy about it but there is no option. I think my subconscious figured it out awhile ago. My own sex drive has crashed. Maybe self preservation?