NEED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Tomandnicole2008, Oct 1, 2008.

  1. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    Hi everyone I stumbled upon this page looking for reasons my fiance is unaffectionate and decided this would be a great place to join considering the relationship probloms we have and the fact she is pregnant. Let me first start off by telling my story. we met 2 years ago, I was working at a certain company as an electricion and my supervisor asked me if I could do him a favor by letting his brother in law (we will call him JOE) be my assistant because him and his g/f were pregnant and he needed to learn the trade and make some money. Well I worked with him for about 6 months and quickly relised he was a real a** of a person. He cheated on his pregnant g/f and kicked her out while she was 8 months pregnant and moved in with another girl wich whom he moved to another state with. I hung out a couple times with him and his ex-preg g/f while they were still together and she was nice as can be to him...did his laundry...worked....gave him all her money....went back to him every time he cheated on her...and basicly treated him like a god. Well after he kicked her out and moved away she lost the baby and i guess they both were moving on with their lives without each other. About 5 or 6 months after this all happened I was at my boss's house, (the brother in law of JOE) to hang out for the memorial day weekend. well his wife was the sister of joe thats how they were brother in laws, but anyway she had developed a friendship with joe's ex g/f (the girl who was cheated on and who lost the baby)so she was also there. Well we hit it off pretty well, it almost seemed like we had known each other our whole lives. we talked the entire night and fell asleep cudling and holding each other on the couch (no sex). the next morning me and her both had to leave, she lived in another city about an hour and a half away at the time. I told her if she ever needed a place to stay she was welcome to stay with me because i had an extra bedroom and i felt bad for her because her ex b/f kicked her out and she had lost the baby a few months earlier. about a week and a half later she did end up moving in and for the first couple months we never had sex we just watched movies and hung out like best friends. Thats when i started relising this girl still had some head probloms from the crap that happened to her. One min she was telling me she loved me, the next saying she wanted to explore other relationships and didnt wanna be tied down. well after about three months of living there she said her head was too messed up and she needed to move to a friends for a few months, so she could come back and we could start a fresh relationship without the probloms. Of course i didnt want her to go but i agreed that it might be best. That same night she left and moved in with her best friend. The next morning while i was at work she was already calling me saying she missed me and she didnt relise how much she cared until she was gone, well my phone died before i could respond to her text message and when i got home that night she was there waiting for me. about a month later she told me she was finaly over him and we could be together and start a relationship. things were great for about 2 or 3 months and then she recieved a message over myspace from her ex b/f. She stayed up all night talking to him over myspace, wouldnt let me read it, and was basicly blowing me off, until it hurt me so bad i disconnected the internet and told her...what is going on, why are you doing this to me. she told me she thought she was over him and wasnt and that she didnt know if she loved me (at this point we have had a sexual relationship) and told me she was leaving yet again to clear her head and she didnt know if she would ever be back. Well she left a few days later to stay with a dif friend in her home town. that night i had probloms paying my phone bill and my phone had gotten d/c...a few days later when i finaly got it turned on the phone rang within 30 min of me getting it cut on and it was her saying, ive been trying to get a hold of you, i miss you, please come and get me (later i found out she had actualy gotten into a fight with her ex over myspace). Well the next morning i was up there picking her up (i know it was stupid, but i cared for her so much i was just happy she was coming back). Well after that month after month past and everything was great we were building a good relationship...we never fought....sex was daily...and we were the perfect couple. then about 8 months after her leaving the second time i got put on an opiate medication and it made me irritable at times and lowered my sex drive, but i was still very good to her and treated her like a queen. She would ask me if i wanted to have sex daily but with my sex drive lowered i was only able to have sex maybe once a week. She would sometimes act hurt but i would cuddle up to her and tell her i loved her and that i couldnt help it and she seemed like she would feel better. well a few months later i started feelinbg the economy hit and she had to get a job (the whole year previously she never had a job) not a serious job justa 30 hour a week job at walmart. Well about 3 or 4 months went by and she started to push away a little bit, not really wanting to kiss...not really wanting sex and she blamed it on being aggrivated at work (she is just a part time cashier at walmart). The whole time we have been together ive always been the one to clean the house...and ive always worked 40+ hours. well things went on like that a few months and then she got pregnant...and since then things have just gotten worse.....she yells at me....pushes me away....we never kiss anymore.....she tells me she hates me all the time...we have sex maybe 2 times every 3 months and she just makes me feel like i did when we first got together and she was playing all those games. well she is 4 months pregnant now...and i dont even know if i love her anymore....i think i do...but she is so mean to me it feels like i have more hate in my heart for her then love so its really hard to tell if i love her anymore. I want to try to make it work for the baby...but another part of me wants to break up with her and try to get custody...im so confused...but i cant keep going on like this....i feel its almost mentaly abusive in some ways...and i constantly think back to when she was pregant with my old assistants baby and how she treated him like a god...and i constantly ask why....and i have asked her that before...why did you treat him so differantly then you treat me when your pregnant...and she will yell at me..."because your not him....its 2 dif relationships...if your gonna compare it aLL THE TIME THEN WERE NEVER GONNA WORK...godddd"!!!....i mean please somone help..i dont know what to do...i feel like packing all my stuff and going back to my home state...but i dont know if thats the right thing to do...we are in our early 20's if anyone needs to know that. PLEASE HELP THOUGH...PLEASE

     
  2. rylee mack

    rylee mack New Member

    Ok first of all, the last time she was pregnant, she lost the baby AND the the man she "loved". She's probably scared that something like that will happen again, I know I would be! I would say just be there for her. And I've never worked at Walmart, but I know people who have and that CAN be pretty stressful! Sounds like you're just blowing off her feelings when she tells you she's stressed or aggravated. Listen to her. And you two definitely need to talk about what's going on, just try not to bring up the other guy in your conversations.

     
  3. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    The thing is though this has been going on a few months before the pregnancy. I try to sit with her almost everyday and tell her i love her and ask her if she wants to talk.....she pushes me away everytime and tells me nothing is wrong. even if i try to give her a kiss on the cheek she will push me away and even go as far as putting her hand on my face to make sure i dont succeed in giving her the kiss. every time i try to talk to her and be understanding she acts as though im annoying her. She leaves me feeling like crap everytime I even try.

     
  4. Temptress Tally

    Temptress Tally Super Moderator Staff Member

    She sounds really bitter!

    I dont think her issues were ever resolved!

     
  5. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    Im open to anything that I might be doing wrong....or anything i need to do dif. I just cant go on like this anymore. Something has to change. I honestly feel she doesnt love me and may never have even loved me, I just need to figure this out and evertime I try to talk to her she wont talk and gives me the silent treatment. Its like she sees me as trying to talk about things as trying to start a fight. I always approach her calmly and lovingly and tell her i love her and i just need to know how she is feeling. It never works she responds with anger. I feel at times that it may never work and maybe i should just accept that and move on, but I feel if I do that I may regret it and i think what if she really did love me and thats just the type of person she is. I just cant get over how she used to treat her ex and how she treats me, its night and day. I feel maybe she is one of those people who pull away when you give then attention and when you ignore them they chase you. but its hard for me not to be loving because thats not the type of person i am and maybe thats why she treated her ex so good...because he treated her like crap. but i mean if thats the case i really dont wanna spend the rest of my life playing a game like that...having to act a way im not wanting to just to get her to be the person i want her to be. but whats weird is she used to be really loving and things were going great, it all started shortly after she got her job...wich has also left me wondering..is there someone there she may have feelings for, because she is acting like she did when we first got together and she had feelings for her ex still. She is acting almost the exact same way.

     
  6. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    I know Tally..I have thought that may be the case many times. I have even felt she used me the whole time just to get a baby to replace her old one. That sounds terrible and I really hope that isnt true, its a very scary thought. Like i said the probloms started a few months before the pregnancy but have become almost unbareble since she became pregnant. I have been blaming it on her hormoanes...but who knows theres so many issues here...thats why i needed help....i mean i am sitting here not leaving the computer...refreshing the page. Im really scared because theres a baby involved now. If it wasnt for that things would be dif right now...if we do split up though i will fight to the death for custody.

     
  7. WhoMe?

    WhoMe? New Member

    Okay, tough love time. This girl is not mentally well at all. I don't think she wants to be "tied" down to anyone hence her leaving all the time. In my early 20's I had a child and believe me I WASN'T ready. Plus I learned I was pregnant when I wanted to break off the relationship since I knew that I didn't love him. Having a baby is the utlimate bond and if the relationship is not working then now you are tied to that person for a long time! I don't think she knows what she wants and I have a feeling this baby put a monkey wrench in her plans of just flitting around from guy to guy and when that doesn't work out "you" are her back up plan. Now she is stuck and I don't think she is too happy about it. I am only basing my opinion on what you have wrote so I don't walk a mile in your shoes so I hope that you understand that I am not trying to be harsh but realistic. If this baby is going to come into this world then someone has to step up to the plate and give it the love/attention that it deserves.

     
  8. rylee mack

    rylee mack New Member

    Sorry Tom...it sounds like you may have been some kind of rebound, which is sad considering you now have a child to think about. Can you get her to go to counseling with you? She's going to have to get help from somewhere and if she won't talk to you...I don't see another option.

     
  9. WhoMe?

    WhoMe? New Member

    She needs to see a therapist or counselor because she might "project" her feelings on the baby or not give it the love it deserves. I always say too that even in the womb a baby feels what is going on with the mother. My oldest is so sensitive and I think that is because I was so unhappy about my situation. My second child is so HAPPY and I think that is because I was happy in my relationship while pregnant.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  10. WhoMe?

    WhoMe? New Member

    I think Tom is the rebound and the one she falls back on when everything else falls apart with the other guy.

     
  11. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    believe me reality feels good, because everytime i try to ask her what is wrong she tells me nothing is wrong so its nice for someone to finaly agree that...SOMETHING IS WRONG. Whats weird though is i think she wanted to be pregnant because about a month to a month and a half before she got pregnant she kept asking me...after and before we had sex..you want a baby?.....like she was asking me if i wanted her to not use the protection...each time i said not now...in the future...were not ready for a baby. And when she got the test back she didnt seem suprised at all. i felt like a brick hit me in the stomoch. she was just smiling and happy...not really suprised though. its weird....im more confused then ever

     
  12. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    if i want custody thogh i definately feel i shouldnt leave her while she is pregnant. i mean i make close to 20 an hour and am more financialy ready to take care of a child. Plus i already feel love for my son that isnt born. What are the chances of me getting custody??/

     
  13. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member

    I wouldn't focus on her issues so much. I think you need to figure out why you're so attracted to this woman. This woman is clearly a rescue job. I've been there before.

    I think that you may be confusing being in love with someone and feeling sorry for them. Feeling sorry for her is pretty much what got the ball rolling, right? You have some kind of desperate need to fix her.

    Let me tell you, getting into a relationship with someone you need to fix is never going to end well.

    Be careful. If I were you, I'd take some real time away from this relationship and see other people who are healthier. Take stock of yourself in that time and see if you don't feel better after you've spent some time with more normal people. You'll never find someone who is "normal" by the way. Normal is just a relative term: true normal is an ideal.

    But, this woman has already complicated your life so much you can't even really function. Imagine later on when you have lots of other things to worry about and you can't focus all of your energies on this very needy person. You're going to crash and burn.

    Deep inside you know this and you're trying to change her in order that you don't have to face this reality. But it's not going to change. She's going to have to change herself. You've heard it a million times already. She may never change herself.

    You might break up with her and she finds someone who's even more of a rescue rat than you are, have a kid with him and then tie him down. Only when she's in that relationship will she really start thinking of you, just like she's doing now with her ex. There are people who can't live in the moment. She's one.

    She'll only realize how she feels about you once you're gone, but it will never happen while you're there. The harder you try, the more she'll push you away.

    Do yourself a favor and move on. You're in your early 20s. I know that it's difficult for you to see that the world of opportunity is open to you. Take care of yourself. Make good relationships, not bad ones. Keep an eye on your own mental health.

    If you marry this woman and/or have a baby with her, what you have now is what you'll always have. Clearly, you're not happy. Pursuing this course is only going to continue to make you unhappy.

    Trust me, I know.

     
  14. EnoughAlready

    EnoughAlready Active Member

    Oh, wait. I see that you two are expecting now.

    Sorry, dude.

     
  15. Tomandnicole2008

    Tomandnicole2008 New Member

    yea you pretty much hit the nail on the head....it was almost like my subconcious wrote that. but i guess im making it way more confusing then it needs to be.....it really doesnt matte whats wrong with us...why this...why that...the bottom line is im odviously not happy and its not gonna get better. my mom said relationships should always be the best in the beginning....not crappy in the beginning and then spend the whole relationship trying to make it a good one.....why are moms always right?....you guys ever notice that??/.....i guess the only question now is....will breaking up...or seeing other ppl....moving out.....hurt my chances of getting custody...what are my chance of getting custody...is it true the judge always leans torwards the mom???....I just want my son...i already love him more then any button on this keyboard can describe....what do I do?

     
  16. rylee mack

    rylee mack New Member

    Tom, it's not that hard in the US for a father to get custody if they are a more fit parent. My dad got custody of my brother and me w/no problems. But, if you're from somewhere else, it may be a bit different.

    I agree she has problems and I see that you aren't happy, but bailing right now would be the worst choice, in my opinion. She may be making you completely miserable, which isn't fair, but she's still carrying your child. That's YOUR responsibility, whether you love his mother or not. It certainly won't look too good that you left her with no support when you go trying to get custody of the child later. I say, stay with her for now and try to get some professional help!

     
  17. Jessucka

    Jessucka New Member

    Ive heard working at Walmart can be very stressful..

    I dont blame you for feeling confused about if you love her or not. I mean, read that quote!

    I was going to say that pregnancy can do some weird things to a woman. Make them behave like monsters and such, but really there is only so much a person can take.

    Let her push you away. Maybe that IS what she wants. You can still be a wonderful father even if you dont stay with the mother. By the sounds of it, things might be worse if you stay with her because she is so mean.

    I am not telling you to leave her. Definently be there for her and her pregnancy, but if she wants to leave, let her do that too. It might save the sanity for the both of you.

    I also agree with Whome. Sounds like you were always her 'rebound' or go to guy when everything fell apart. You'd help her get back on her feet again and then she'd need space.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2013

     
  18. wyme

    wyme Active Member

    Tom, my heart just breaks for you. I'd agree with the assessment that you've been the rescuer, and when she's not needing rescued, she pulls away. I think being pregnant makes all this worse. A lot of women are overly emotional and not very rational during the early months of pregnancy.

    As far as custody goes, I'd suggest you consult with an attorney, and sooner rather than later. I'd also suggest you think long and hard about what kind of custody arrangement you would want, in terms of what would really be best for your child.

    The presumption is that a child, especially a baby, should be with the mother. Generally, the only way that the father can get sole custody is by proving that the mother is unfit. That is going to require evidence that will have to be documented, and it will very likely be a horrific, hurtful fight. I know you are hurting now, but I'd suggest you think about that, and what it will mean to your child to have parents that hate each other because of the hurtful accusations made during a custody battle. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying get good legal advice, and think it through as rationally as you can.

     
  19. WhoMe?

    WhoMe? New Member

    It really depends on where your location is in regards to Custody. California is very pro-joint custody if both parents want to be involved in the childs life. To get sole custody the parent has to prove that the other is unfit (i.e. on drugs, in jail, can't financially support child, etc.) I would consult with an attorney to find out your options.

     
  20. kris1980

    kris1980 Member

    you say this is her second pregnancy and from the history- she lost her first baby very late in the pregnancy? I'm sure you could find many women who have miscarried on this site and they will all tell you that its not something you get over right away if ever especially that late in a pregnancy.
    It sounds to me like she really wanted to be pregnant again and that it didn't matter by who..
    Its your choice whether or not you stay but i think you already know the answer. And as the father- you always have rights to your child.

     

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