m/c 1yr ago today

Discussion in 'Surviving Miscarriage' started by emsa, Jun 22, 2012.

  1. emsa

    emsa New Member

    well, the day i've been terrified of and dreading is here. at least i don't have to fear its impending arrival anymore. one year ago today i lost my precious baby boy. i am so sad. i've been numb since i woke up, but now it is wearing off and giving way to a deep sorrow. i have a statue i ordered online especially for today of a daddy holding a mommy, both holding a tiny baby with wings, and i got it out and held it and talked to my baby. my h and i just spent some time holding each other and talking some about how we're feeling, which was good.

    what is making this day especially difficult (not that anything could really make it that much more difficult) is that i have pms and am having extremely severe cramps. it seems like some sort of cruel joke to be having horrible cramps on the anniversary of the day i was having horrible cramps because i was losing my child.

    i am sitting here staring at the screen at a loss for words (which is a very, very rare occurance). i don't know... maybe there just aren't any words to describe how i'm feeling and what this day means. i just thought to myself that i feel defeated. i don't even really know what i mean by that.

    sometimes i worry/feel so scared that maybe this will be the only baby we ever have (this was my first and only pregnancy). that we got so lucky this one time, and then something went horribly wrong and maybe i caused it (yeah i'm regressing back to the "it's my fault"), and it will never, ever happen again for us.

    i feel my sweet boy inside me so strongly and at the same time miss him so much. my heart is breaking, and i thought that was impossible because it had already broken as much as it possibly could. my womb is aching, my breasts are tender and aching. i feel empty and when i look down at my stomach i remember how i felt after my miscarriage when my belly got flatter. i am so incredibly sad and on the verge of losing it entirely. and just at a complete loss. i desperately want to turn back time and somehow make this not happen. i want my baby.

  2. nessa26

    nessa26 New Member

    I'm so sorry :-(. I know there are a lot of gals on this forum, including me, that can relate to what you are going through. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, and no loss is any easier than another.

    My very first pregnancy ended in an ectopic, and loss of my affected fallopian tube. It scarred me so bad. The thought of ever conceiving again was such a turn off because my first pregnancy ended so bad (multiple ER trips, admitted 3 different times, endless needle sticks, ultrasounds, physical pain, etc.).

    What I can suggest, is to not give up!! If you are trying to have a baby, and you really want one, don't give up!! It sucks so bad that some of us have to go through so much pain to get a baby, but its so worth it in the end. And when you do conceive and deliver a healthy baby, it doesn't mean that you ever forgot the baby(ies) that you lost. It also helps immensely to talk with someone who has been through a pregnancy loss before. All the comments and suggestions from those who didn't understand the pain of losing a baby, never meant $hit to me.

    I have two healthy girls. I conceived both of them with only 1 tube. I also had in addition to my ectopic, a miscarriage last year. My SIL became pregnant at the same time, and we both had the same due date, but I lost my baby at 5 weeks. It hurt so bad to see her carry on with a healthy pregnancy and baby. It sucked sooo bad,, and I didn't talk to her for months. Call me selfish and bitter, but I did what I had to do in order to keep the hurt away, and you do too.

    You will get through this. I feel miscarriages and pregnancies losses make us stronger, and put us in a unique group of women. If we can endure the loss of a baby, we can endure anything! Stay strong! [​IMG]

  3. MSteele

    MSteele New Member

    I want to climb through the screen and hug you!

  4. Confused-Hasya

    Confused-Hasya Active Member

    Emsa, this won't be your only time! You will have a baby to hold in your hands. It is so difficult to come out of the grief and embrace life again. What helped me after a loss was throwing myself headfirst into activities.

    I know that you mean the statue as a memorial to your dear child. But every time you look at it, it'll make it harder to come out of your grief. Give it a place of honor in your house but not visible unless you go seeking it. Having a visual reminder everyday makes it that much harder to overcome loss.


  5. emsa

    emsa New Member

    i just cannot even begin to thank you enough for your support and kindness. i don't know how to reply to all of you on here so i just hit "reply" to my original post. you made one of the hardest days of my life more bearable. i have been somewhat surprised that i am still worse than usual. i really didn't think about how i would feel in the days after, but i suppose it doesn't make sense that you could just bounce back from a day that was that painful to where you were before it happened. i am better, for which i am grateful, but i am still really depressed, still easily upset, still crying, still having trouble with my appetite.

    as far as the day itself... the one thing that made it easier was that it had finally arrived- i didn't have that constant feeling of dread and anticipation anymore, which was a welcome relief. the day itself was really, really hard and painful. i think the worst part was when it was the exact time of day (which i remember down to the minute) that i began bleeding and cramping, ran to the dr's office, got the u/s, and found out we'd lost the baby. i remembered how i felt precisely a year ago at that time and it was so painful.

    my h and i were both really depressed. he held me while i cried. one thing we did (and someone on here suggested it, i wish i remembered who so i could thank her personally) was that we made a donation in our baby's name to the march of dimes. that was really wonderful and meant a lot to me. i'd ordered a statue in preparation online that is just incredible- it's a daddy holding a mommy, both holding a baby with angel wings. i held it and talked to my baby and it was really good for me. you know i'm trying to remember what else we did and more about how i felt and i'm not coming up with much... this is the first time i've reflected upon it and i think i'm blocking some of it out. which is disturbing and unsettling but i guess is understandable.

    the most amazing thing happened though. that night there was a huge storm that knocked out our power for a few hours. we lit candles. and i felt some sort of connection... it's hard to explain... i don't think my baby has the power to bring down power lines (but hey who knows?) [​IMG]. but it just seemed right and fitting and meaningful that this happened on the anniversary of the day we lost him. i felt him incredibly strongly staring at those candles. they were beautiful; i took some pictures of them. i felt like i was given a special opportunity to honor him.

  6. Confused-Hasya

    Confused-Hasya Active Member


    A quick note - it sounds like you're depressed if you have trouble with appetite too. There are some resources for mothers who have suffered losses, online as well as with a counselor. Depression does not help conceiving any :-(.

    Here is one:



    I am not saying this in a mean way at all. I know how it is, but you really need to pull yourself together and this will be one of the hardest things you've ever done emotionally but it has got to be done. If it means going to a counselor, so be it. Don't shy away from seeing one thinking it is for the weak. Anyone can be weak and the same someone can find out how very strong he or she really is. The counselor will just help you find yourself.

    Good luck!

  7. *purple_princess*

    *purple_princess* New Member

    Hello ladies my name Ashley, I'm 25 and this is my first time ever posting or trying to reach out to someone who went through the same thing. Exactly a year ago today I walked out of my drs office smiling ear to ear from finding out I was 6 weeks. Well that light went out on the 21st I woke up at 5am throwing up with the worst pain of my life. DH rushed me to ER and had a u/s and the tech walked out and came back with a dr who rushed me into surgery.

    I had no idea what was going on and they told me I was blessed to have made it in the time I did another hour and I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you. My left tube had ruptured and stomach was full of blood. I have 2 kids already a 6yr old boy and 3yr old girl. I've been trying for awhile now and seemed hopeless so last month 12/2014 I decided to give up only been ttc for 4 months and now I fear that it has finally has happened and too scared to test. The thought of being pregnant on the same exact timeline terrifies me and now I can't stop shaking or crying.

    Feeling very depressed and this was the good part of month. Wish I could skip the 21st completely. I have a regular 30 day cycle and this month af came a day late and lasted 2 days and now spotting and have all the classic symptoms that come along with pregnancy but can't seem to get over the fear of a repeat....feeling lost and overly emotional. Sorry for long post.

  8. MatthewM

    MatthewM Member

    Hi p_p. :) I think it's understandable to feel the way you do, but you'll be okay. Stay strong for your family.


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