well, the day i've been terrified of and dreading is here. at least i don't have to fear its impending arrival anymore. one year ago today i lost my precious baby boy. i am so sad. i've been numb since i woke up, but now it is wearing off and giving way to a deep sorrow. i have a statue i ordered online especially for today of a daddy holding a mommy, both holding a tiny baby with wings, and i got it out and held it and talked to my baby. my h and i just spent some time holding each other and talking some about how we're feeling, which was good. what is making this day especially difficult (not that anything could really make it that much more difficult) is that i have pms and am having extremely severe cramps. it seems like some sort of cruel joke to be having horrible cramps on the anniversary of the day i was having horrible cramps because i was losing my child. i am sitting here staring at the screen at a loss for words (which is a very, very rare occurance). i don't know... maybe there just aren't any words to describe how i'm feeling and what this day means. i just thought to myself that i feel defeated. i don't even really know what i mean by that. sometimes i worry/feel so scared that maybe this will be the only baby we ever have (this was my first and only pregnancy). that we got so lucky this one time, and then something went horribly wrong and maybe i caused it (yeah i'm regressing back to the "it's my fault"), and it will never, ever happen again for us. i feel my sweet boy inside me so strongly and at the same time miss him so much. my heart is breaking, and i thought that was impossible because it had already broken as much as it possibly could. my womb is aching, my breasts are tender and aching. i feel empty and when i look down at my stomach i remember how i felt after my miscarriage when my belly got flatter. i am so incredibly sad and on the verge of losing it entirely. and just at a complete loss. i desperately want to turn back time and somehow make this not happen. i want my baby.