Jokes & Humor

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by leeaman7777, Jan 26, 2009.

  1. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    ha ha I thought so too, I got that sent to me in an email

     
  2. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

    This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from
    typing the wrong email address!!!!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota an d flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 16, 2005

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

    I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  3. gutterflower

    gutterflower Active Member

    Haha, I've seen that one before, love it!!

     
  4. Temptress Tally

    Temptress Tally Super Moderator Staff Member

    A Wife's Special Birthday Present



    A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

    When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

    The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, John.”

     
  5. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    oh sh!t!!! LOL!!! thats great.

     
  6. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    ha ha I think Ive seen that one before but it's funny!

     
  7. Feme_Fantastic

    Feme_Fantastic New Member

    A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

    "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor.

    Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

    Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

    The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

    Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

    Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

    However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

    Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

    'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

     
  8. Feme_Fantastic

    Feme_Fantastic New Member

    The Monkey That Ate Everything

    A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and asks for a drink. A moment later, the monkey starts jumping up and down and acting like a madman. It grabs some nuts from behind the bar and eats them, grabs some pickled eggs and eats them, then jumps up on to the pool table, grabs hold of the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it in one gulp.

    The barman yelled at the man, “Did you see that! Did you see what your monkey's just done?”

    “No, what did he do?” asked the man.

    “He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table - the whole ball!” cried the barman.

    “Yes, well, I can't say I'm surprised, he eats everything he can get hold of. He's insatiable. I'll pay for that cue ball and everything else he's eaten.” He then drank up, paid his bill and left.

    A fortnight later they are back in the same bar again, same barman, same monkey and man together. The man orders a drink and the monkey starts going berserk again.

    While the man is downing a beer, the monkey finds a jar of cherries on the bar. He takes one out, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and swallows it.

    The barman is absolutely disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did?” he bawled.

    “What has he done this time?” asks the man.

    “Well, he stuck a cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and swallowed it!” said the barman angrily.

    “Yes, well that doesn't surprise me,” replied the man. “He still eats everything he can get hold of, but ever since he ate that cue ball of yours he measures it first!”

     
  9. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    LOL!!!! ewww but funny hahahahaha.

     
  10. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member


    New use for Windex


    I haven't checked 'snopes.com'to see if this actually
    Works or not. . But they say,

    If you ever get the sudden
    Urge to run around naked,

    You should sniff some Windex first.
    It'll keep you from streaking.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  11. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.



    They were determined to make this a real vacation
    by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

    As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
    and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



    The next morning they went to the beach
    dressed in their "tourist" garb.

    They were sitting on beach chairs,
    enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
    "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini
    came walking straight towards them.

    They couldn't help but stare.



    As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
    "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
    nodding and addressing each of them individually,
    then she passed on by.
    They were both stunned.

    How in the world did she know they were priests?
    So the next day, they went back to the store
    and bought even more outrageous outfits.




    These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
    Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.?

    After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
    wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
    came walking toward them.

    Again she nodded at each of them, said



    "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
    and started to walk away.

    One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
    "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"?

    "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
    how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"?

    She replied,


    "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

     
  12. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    The Four Worms!

    Four Worms and a lesson to be learned:

    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

    Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

    Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation -What did you learn from this demonstration?

    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

    That pretty much ended the service!

     
  13. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    some things just cant be explained:

    A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

    Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

    Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

    Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

    Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

    Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

    Man: So what happened then?

    Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

    Man: and then?

    Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

    Man: Again?

    Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

    Man: So, what did you do then?

    Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

    Man: and then?

    Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

    Man: Hmmm

    Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

    Man: So, what did you do?

    Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

     
  14. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member


     
  15. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    OMG! That is hilarious! Just imagine the look on her face, no wonder he's drinking LOL.

     
  16. gutterflower

    gutterflower Active Member

    LOL those were pretty funny!!

     
  17. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    <span style="font-size: 11pt">A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the
    young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the
    boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the
    boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The
    boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
    the father is panicking, shouting for help.
    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
    business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
    sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
    puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
    the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
    across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his
    pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and
    twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
    After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
    last ni ckel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
    father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a
    word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
    father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've
    NEVER seen anybody do anything like that before, you were fantastic.
    Are you a doctor?'

    'No,' the woman replied. 'A divorce attorney'.
    </span>
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  18. mystic37

    mystic37 New Member

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

    “Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

     
  19. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member


     
  20. luckylady7991

    luckylady7991 New Member

    LOL! Thanks for the laughs! I reeeeaaaaaaally needed that today!! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

     

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