Jokes & Humor

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by leeaman7777, Jan 26, 2009.


 

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  1. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    LOL!! thanks [​IMG]

     

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  2. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

    Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
    He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
    to touch them, but he had to try.

    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
    the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
    said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
    it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


    Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
    little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


    Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
    Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
    applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
    had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
    cure the itch.


    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
    chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
    powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
    Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
    hailed as a hero.


    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
    payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
    have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
    the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
    powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



    The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

     

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  3. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

    Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."



    To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."

     

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  4. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

    "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

    You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

     

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  5. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    And then the fight started!

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...
    ----------

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.
    And then the fight started...
    ----------

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
    And then the fight started...
    ----------

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
    Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ----------

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
    Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
    Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    Hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
    Celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...
    ----------

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
    Order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And then the fight started...
    ----------

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
    Compliment."
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
    And then the fight started.....
    ----------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
    cream.

    And then the fight started....
    ----------

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
    And then the fight started.....
    ----------

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
    screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
    And then the fight started.....
    ----------

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
    Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
    And then the fight started ...
    ----------

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
    And that's when the fight started....
    ----------

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     

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  6. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    Me2 cuz it means I have something to read while procrastinating but pretending to do my work.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     

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  7. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    hahaha! glad to be of service [​IMG] im sooo bored today LMAO!

     

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  8. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

     

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  9. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    Oh boy. That last one..Oie, poor guy!

     

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  10. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    lol Ive seen that one before Nika but it's still funny!

     

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  11. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    Emailed to me by a co-worker

    You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
    The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
    After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach
    your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
    that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod.

     

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  12. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    Another one emailed to me, just copy/pasted so sorry bout the formatting.

    To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


    At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars See If They Slow Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice.

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

    4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.



    5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.

    6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

    7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

    9. Sing Along At The Opera.

    10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

    11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

    12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

    13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.



    14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

     

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  13. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    A little late for Christmas ones but still works for any drunken night really.

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

    Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

    He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

    As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

    And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

    His 16 year old son is also at the table,eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

    Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

    His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


    Broken coffee Table $239.99

    Hot breakfast $4.20

    Two aspirins $.38

    Saying the right thing, at the right time:



    PRICELESS

     

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  14. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    Larry's In The Hospital, Room 232

    Ok, you are asking who in the hell is Larry.
    Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, Where in the
    hell have you been?
    Larry replies,I was out getting a tattoo.
    A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?
    I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, he said proudly.
    What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.
    Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on
    his privates?

    Well, One,I like to watch my money grow.
    Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
    Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
    And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
    home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

    Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital

     

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  15. nafi

    nafi Active Member


     

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  16. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    Ear Infection

    This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

    The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

    He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

    The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

    The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
    "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear."

    The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

    "I can't piss out of it."

    The waiting room erupted in laughter.

    The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

     

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  17. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    LOL! I hope I'm that clever when I get old and can mess with people like that. I wish I coulda been in that waiting room too heheh.

     

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  18. StLGaL

    StLGaL New Member

    Bottle of Wine

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
    morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
    amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
    drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
    woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
    This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace
    for the rest of our days'.

    Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
    sign from God!' But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
    drive.

    The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
    completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
    wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

    She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
    opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

    The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
    man.

    The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think
    I'll just wait for the police....'

    MORAL OF THE STORY:

    Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

     

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  19. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    LMAO thats a good one [​IMG]

     

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  20. nafi

    nafi Active Member

    That is awesome! Horrible, but awesome.

     

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