Jokes & Humor

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by leeaman7777, Jan 26, 2009.


 
  1. leeaman7777

    leeaman7777 Active Member

    I thought it would be good to start a thread area just for Jokes and Humor. We all need a good laugh sometimes... [​IMG]


    I will start it off.. Please feel free to post yours in here as well..

     
  2. leeaman7777

    leeaman7777 Active Member

    Memory at 90 years of age

    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure.'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast ?'
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  3. leeaman7777

    leeaman7777 Active Member

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages
    the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


    MAN: "Hello."
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$90,000."
    MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
    They're asking $950,000."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go
    the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.

    The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
    astonishment, mouths agape....Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

     
  4. leeaman7777

    leeaman7777 Active Member

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

    The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

    The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

    The pharmacist's eye got big and he screamed! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
    They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
    Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

     
  5. leeaman7777

    leeaman7777 Active Member

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a
    roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,
    they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When
    leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
    the table and she didn't miss them until they had been
    driving about twenty minutes.

    By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
    distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to
    return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

    All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
    man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly
    during the entire return drive. The more he chided her --the
    more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
    As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
    retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her
    'While you're in there, you might as well get my
    hat and the credit card.'

     
  6. Lush-Luna

    Lush-Luna New Member

    Ohh I've heard this one before, funny one.. lol.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  7. Lush-Luna

    Lush-Luna New Member

    [​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  8. Lush-Luna

    Lush-Luna New Member

    A man and his wife are in bed one night. The wife wants a bit of action from her husband, but he doesn't even acknowledge that she's there, he just continues reading a book. She keeps waiting and waiting for him to make his first move, but he doesn't, so she gets disgusted and goes to sleep. Ten minutes later, she feels his fingers in her vagina, and says, "Oh Fred you finally want me?" He replies, "Nah, I'm just wetting my fingers to turn the page.."

     
  9. Lush-Luna

    Lush-Luna New Member

    Oh this one made me laugh.. lol.

    One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too well. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, @$#%^@ in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

     
  10. Lush-Luna

    Lush-Luna New Member

    A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

    "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

    "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

    So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

    "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

    When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

    "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

     
  11. Lush-Luna

    Lush-Luna New Member

    Which condom would you use.. ?

    Nike Condoms: Just do it.

    Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

    Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

    Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

    Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

    Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

    Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

    Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

    Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

    Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

    New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

    California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

    Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

    KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

    Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

    Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

    Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

    The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

    General Electric: We bring good things to life!

    AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

    Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

    Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

    Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

    M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

    Chevron: use them? people do.

    Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

    MCI: for friends and family

    Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

    The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

    Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

    United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

    The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

    Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

    Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

    Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

    Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

    McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

    Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

    Burger King: Have it your way

    Dairy Queen: We treat you right

    AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

     
  12. leeaman7777

    leeaman7777 Active Member

    Church Bells


    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
    Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
    95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
    had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were
    making love on Sunday Morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
    years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
    advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
    church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
    and slow and even...

    Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
    If the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

     
  13. Feme_Fantastic

    Feme_Fantastic New Member

    HA HA! Just about peed my pants laughing at the condom post!

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basket ball? Juan on Juan

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive? Because its worth it.

    What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 10 years and 45lbs.

    Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    Why do men chase woman they have no intention of marring? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

     

  14.  
  15. It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.

    You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

    That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. These are also the people that vote in this country!

    Here are the Stella's for the past year:


    7TH PLACE :

    Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


    6TH PLACE :

    Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord .

    Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


    Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.


    5TH PLACE :

    Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house beca use the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Di ckson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.


    Keep scratching. There are more...


    4TH PLACE :

    Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly sh ot the dog with a pellet gun.


    Grrrrr .. Scratch, scratch.


    3RD PLACE :

    Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


    Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...


    2ND PLACE :

    Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental e xpenses. Go figure.


    1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

    This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs.. Grazinski has any r elatives who might also buy a motor home.



    Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?

     
  16. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change!
    The chicken wanted change!
    JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
    HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
    We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
    The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
    COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
    image of the chicken crossing the road.
    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
    What is your definition of crossing?
    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
    against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
    DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
    must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
    ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!
    You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
    JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends , that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
    Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
    listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how
    it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
    JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@& &^(C%..........reboot.
    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

     
  17. Penguin-Goon

    Penguin-Goon New Member

    LMAO! [​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     

  18. ahahaha i know that's my favorite one too
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

     
  19. Feme_Fantastic

    Feme_Fantastic New Member

    Uh....the other day the Man told me that I was an entertainment center. With a good show, and racks, and nooks and everything.

    [​IMG]

     
  20. MNM

    MNM New Member

    Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
    To keep its nuts dry

    Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
    I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

    What is the difference between a sin and shame?
    It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

    Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
    A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?


    Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
    A. Because their plugged into a genius!

    Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
    A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

    Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
    A. Because it scares the shite out of the dog


    The fight we had last night was my fault,
    my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.


    The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

    Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

    So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

    And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

     

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