Help - awful situation - lies and pregnacy

Discussion in 'Mental Wellbeing' started by newwifey79, May 21, 2013.

  1. newwifey79

    newwifey79 New Member

    In October 2012, my husband was contacted by a woman who he had met 3 times, (4-8 weeks prior to meeting me), saying that she was pregnant and she believed him to be the father. They were not in any kind of “relationship”. It was basically, a one-night stand. When they slept together, he clearly remembers her telling him she was on the pill.

    She wanted to catch up with him a little while after they slept together, but he apologised and explained that he already had plans with some friends that night. He wasn’t simply fobbing her off, he was genuinely busy. She went crazy and sent him over 80 texts of abuse. She told him that she should be his “priority” and started acting very possessive. He very quickly came to the conclusion that something wasn’t right with her. He tried to pacify her, politely suggesting they just be friends and not see each other in an intimate capacity again. She continued to contact him over the span of the next 2-3 weeks wanting to catch up again, and he politely declined.

    Let me make this clear. I don’t see my husband through rose-coloured glasses but he husband made a huge mistake in sleeping with this woman and believing her when she said she was on the pill and having unprotected sex with her. His guilt regarding this situation plagues him – and he doesn’t even know if it’s true. He is not a guy that goes around “picking up” women or sleeping around. He was searching for a woman he could spend the rest of his life with. He had the house, the good job, the dog – he was just missing the woman. He is a kind-hearted guy, intelligent, sensitive and romantic, successful in his job and personal businesses. He us respectful to everyone he meets, diplomatic and very generous. He was bought up wonderfully by a fantastic family who sent him to an excellent school. He is a guy that everyone adores, most of all me. He treats me like a princess and we have an amazing, close relationship and bond.

    When this woman told him she was pregnant – she waited to tell him when she was too far enough along (3-4 months) to consider the option of a termination. He asked her how this had happened, as she stated to him she was on the pill. Strangely enough, she denied ever saying that him and said she wasn’t on the pill at all. Either she lied in the heat of the moment, or it was a pre-mediated plan. Considering how things have developed, it seems much more like the latter.

    He also explained in that phone call that he had met me and we were planning a future together. She was quite unemotional and agreed that she would not involve him any further in the situation and would not put his name on any documentation, Birth Certificate or Child Support application. He was going to have a legal contract drawn up to reflect this discussion, but after he sought legal advice, he was advised there was no reason to go ahead with such a contract, given there was no DNA evidence to prove he was the father. My husband emailed her several times to confirm all these discussions, but she refused to reply to his questions, or comment or confirm the any points of their discussions.

    The fact that she left it so late in the peace to tell him she was pregnant and the fact that she didn’t reply to any emails, was the start of where the situation started sounding a bit “fishy”.

    For both my husband and I, it was a disastrous thing to surface when we were both certain that we had found the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. It was expected, and my worst nightmare and it was made so much harder by the fact that we had no answers from her about how or why this has happened.

    For over 7 months, we have been through an emotional hell not knowing the truth. The impact it has had on my physical and mental health has been very extreme. We have spent a lot of money on medication, psychological counseling, doctors’ visits and had time of work and unable to focus on our personal businesses. But we don’t even know yet if he is the father of her child, whether she planned to get pregnant, or just doing this to us as payback for being rejected.

    In March, my partner received a call from the Department of Human Services, saying a child was born and Child Support Application made in his name. They gave him the name of the child and its date of birth. They made a mistake giving him this information, as they thought he was already aware. He didn’t want to know.

    Not that this makes any difference, as a child can’t be planned to be born on any given day as such, but this baby was born on our wedding day.

    He then received a notice from Births Deaths and Marriages with him stated as the father of the child on its Birth Certificate. He wrote back declining this, due to there being no evidence he was the father.

    My husband telephoned her to ask why she was proceeding this way after she said she wasn’t going to. She told my husband that her child was born 6 weeks premature, but told all her friends it was born 7 weeks premature. Unsure why there would be this discrepancy.

    There is a chance that this child could be fathered by my husband if due date made at her first ultrasound was an incorrect date, but he stopped seeing her at the end of July. If the baby was born 6 or 7 weeks premature, the conception date would have been 2-4 of weeks AFTER they were intimate. The first ultrasound can be 1-2 weeks out, but not quite 3-4weeks.

    Another interesting point is that she got his date of birth (for Centrelink and Birth Certificate documents) from his Facebook page, 2-4 weeks before she even told him she was pregnant.

    Even though she had never been to his house, she knew where he lived, as early on, he had messaged her real estate link to the house he had just bought.

    She adopted the services of Legal Aid for the purpose of gaining Centrelink benefits and he had to pay for a DNA test. His DNA test is now done and the turn-around is 10 days for results to come back (after all DNA samples are submitted).

    If my partner is this child’s biological father, the Government takes $300 a fortnight taken out of his pay for Child Support, plus the back-pay from when the Child Support Application was lodged – plus interest.

    Due to not knowing the truth about this situation, my mind has gone into over-drive to say the least. After investigations, there were a few things that were apparent. She was over 30 and most of her friends were married with kids. Many women over 30 start to feel that their biological clocks are ticking and panic. Some women get sucked in by the pressure and dupe men into thinking they are on contraception, when they are in fact not.

    If her pattern of behavior with men was indicated by how she treated by husband (over-reactive, demanding and possessive – even when not in a relationship), it would appear that her mental state may mean she found it difficult to stay in a relationship. Women like this feel that they are never going to find someone to settle down with and go to desperate measures.

    I work in mental health and her actions and the timing of things were not “normal” for an honest person who got pregnant “by accident”. It could be a case of she got tired of her job and felt that it would be easier being a stay at home mother like the rest of her friends, especially given that the Government benefits for single mothers are substantial enough to make it an attractive alternative to working full time. Due to the fact we have been given no information or explanation, these things come to the forefront of how we interpret her situation.

    I have heard of women getting kits from a pharmacy to find out when they are ovulating, chart their cycles and target men who appear to be in a good financial position, commonly on dating sites. They say they are on the pill, sleep with them unprotected and – BOOM – a baby is conceived.

    Some married couples who would make amazing parents, spend huge amounts of money on IVF. Some find it successful, whilst some fail to conceive a baby. When you compare that to the manner in which some single women target unsuspecting men who they believe to have fat wallets, deceive them in order to have a child, it’s a massive moral issue that Australia faces.

    Child Support is based on income only. Hence why women desperate for a child target men they see as being successful and able to provide financial support.

    Many women also think they can get a man back after he leaves her, by telling him she’s pregnant. Some men may feel guilty and fall into this trap. Especially if he has feelings for her or they were in a prior relationship.

    It is not uncommon for men not to use their own protection and ultimately get used as a sperm bank. The woman can use the man to fulfill her own selfish needs to have a child… BUT, unlike a sperm bank, he doesn’t get paid for “donating” his sperm and she is spared the large expenses of IVF. HE is the one who has to pay Child Support for 18 years for a child that came into this world based on deception and lies.

    Women who target men in this manner, have no regard for the mental health of the child or what their child goes through not seeing its father or not even knowing who he is. It’s a selfish decision made because they are lonely, don’t think they will meet a man to marry, don’t want to “miss the boat” and get too old to have children, or don’t want to work anymore and would rather be a stay-at-home single mother.

    There is no doubt that it takes “two to tango”, and men should financially support a child they have created – but if they are lied to and that’s why the child was conceived, it is highly doubted they would have had unprotected sex in the first place. It’s just one of those unfortunate circumstances, regardless if a woman lied and a man was foolish enough to not take responsibility for his actions.

    Having a baby under false pretenses is the perfect crime in Australia for single women who want children. They deceive men so they can have their child, stop work and live on Centrelink benefits and Child Support Payments.

    The culture of one-night-stands, using people for sex, friends with benefits, casual relationships are becoming more common in today’s selfish culture.

    Genetic Technologies, Australia’s largest DNA testing provider, have reported that 20% of paternity tests come back as a negative result.

    Australian law doesn’t cater to fathers wrongly accused of parentage, even if the father pays hundreds of thousands of dollars for Child Support – for a child that isn’t even his. There are no legal ramifications for women who falsely accuse a man to be the father of their child, even was sleeping around or being adulterous. The moral fibre of Australian society is crumbling and family law is not making it any fairer for wrongly accused fathers to get any justice.

    Taxpayers chip in about $350,000.00 per year towards DNA paternity tests in Victoria alone.

    After several calls to Centrelink, I discovered what benefits available to single mothers and the woman in this case. They are quite substantial. “Paid Parental Leave” of $1200 a fortnight for 18 weeks, then “Parenting Payment Single” of $1851 a fortnight and the “Family Tax Benefit A” of $169 fortnight. “Family Tax Benefit A” requires a Child Support Application, though you can’t get this whilst receiving the “Paid Parental Leave” payments. This means that she will get her paid maternity leave, plus $1200 a fortnight for 18 weeks. After that expires she gets the Parenting Payment Single of $1851 a fortnight, plus $300 in Child Support, plus $169 = $2320 a fortnight. There is also assistance for childcare too. Now all those benefits for that period is $800-$900 a fortnight more than I make working full-time!

    We have both begged this woman for answers to how and why this situation has happened, but she refuses to communicate with us. She has dragged us into this hell, without so much as any explanation. How does this foster any hope in having a workable relationship should we want shared custody, if my husband is the father of this child? To say it’s not fair, is an understatement.

    If it is a negative DNA result and she has put us through this for revenge, we have been told we can’t sue her for damages, time off work, psychologist & doctors’ appointments, medication, impact on our personal businesses etc.

    From the lack of communication, lies and broken verbal agreements, there is no doubt she deceptively created this situation and bought it into our lives. To what degree, we are not sure.

    From a legal point of view, a woman is not held responsible for her actions if she incorrectly targets a man to be the father of her child. Further, most women know who they sleep with and when. Women know from their first ultrasound the estimated conception date/s, so if a woman incorrectly targets one man when the child could be someone else’s, is beyond words.

    My partner suffers from a lot of guilt himself and also seeing how stressed I get about the situation. He admits that it was the biggest mistake of his life not using contraception with this woman. I have given him hell over it, but at the same time, this happened before me. Not that it makes it easier for me to deal with.

    The innocent victim here is the child. No child should be bought into this world under misleading and deceptive circumstances, out of laziness, money or selfish beliefs of a single mother.

    At the end of the day, my husband is steadfast that the results of this test are only going to affect us financially if the DNA test comes back positive. The Government will take $300 dollars out of his account per week and we have to budget our lives around it. He wants nothing to do with this situation, should he be proven to be the father. That is his personal choice and he stands by it with such certainty, even though I have raised points about the possibility of having shared custody of the child.

    Though, if it comes back negative, (and there has been a lot of things happen to suggest this may be the case) it’s devastating that we have been dragged into 7 months or more of extreme stress and the impact it has had on what was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives. That’s something we can never get back. All because of one woman’s lies, stupidity, and vindictiveness.

    Now all we can do now is wait for this women to submit the DNA samples. Legal Aid or the DNA testing company cannot advise when this is going to happen. So until we get the result, we continue to remain in limbo.

    More single men need to be aware of these circumstances. The affect it has on their lives, the lives of their loved ones, the potential financial burden, the months and months of stress associated with waiting to find the truth, the Government benefits available to single mothers, Child Support amounts and the lack of legal rights a man has when he is a) duped into paying for a child that is either not his, or b) made a victim of false alleged paternity.

  2. Raunchy-Row

    Raunchy-Row Super Moderator Staff Member

    Such a bummer--and I can see how that would be super stressful for you both--but ultimately, if you are a responsible adult having sex with someone you don't know and haven't had the chance to GET to know, the smart thing to do is not to believe a word that comes out of their mouths and always use protection. Since he didn't, the best case scenario for you is to find out there is no DNA connection and it will all be over for you. Lesson learned. Since he didn't, the worst case scenario is that he IS the father--in which case, regardless of how nutty this woman is, it's his responsibility to provide for the child.

    I hope you get the answers you are hoping for and can cut any and all ties with this woman. If you can't, you'll have to find a way to make peace with it and decide whether or not you want to pursue a connection with the baby (both for your sakes and, it sounds like, for the sake of the child).

    PS--3-4 months pregnant is NOT too late for a termination, at least not here in Canada. I was under the assumption that 20 weeks was the cutoff in most developed countries.

  3. iampam

    iampam Active Member

    She sounds crazy. Good luck, I hope its not his.

  4. MyrtleWarbler

    MyrtleWarbler Super Moderator Staff Member

    Wow, what a mess! It sounds like all you can do now is wait. I assume she can't get any money from him until the results are in, requiring her submission too? In that case, hopefully he can just ignore her and the situation. On the flip side, it must be hard to know that there could be a child that is his, out there, and maybe if he knew it was his he would want to know the baby. But sounds like the ball is in her court.

    Hope the baby isn't his. Keep us updated.

    And poor poor little thing. [​IMG]

  5. AnnaM

    AnnaM Member

    Wow, that sounds terrible. I'd be talking to a family lawyer about having some way of limiting the amount of further damage this person can do to your finances and impacting on your lives any more, particularly if you are planning on having your own family at some stage. And if you mental state is as you fear, then what if she is ever in a position where she is incapable of caring for the child, would it ever be that this child would end up on your door step? Poor little bub too, didn't ask to be caught up in this. Best of luck with this. It must be really stressful for you both. Makes me think of that old (Australian) 80s health promotion 'if it's not on, then its not on'.

  6. fromtheheart

    fromtheheart New Member

    I swear I have seen this post somewhere else before??


Share This Page