Feelings toward BF/DH part 7

Discussion in 'Contraception' started by Raunchy-Row, Apr 11, 2011.

  1. IBelieveInUs

    IBelieveInUs Active Member

    I'm six months off. Doing a little better today. Hopefully that's a good sign. The anxiety still lurks around though. I was having such a fun/sweet night with my boyfriend tonight but every so often, the anxiety would say, "you're lying to yourself and not really having fun" or "you're just acting happy but you're not really happy" or the always common "you don't love him." I wish I could figure out a way to just laugh at/ignore these negative, intrusive thoughts. Instead, the voices sound so real and consume me. It's devastating and also mentally exhausting.

  2. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    IBelieveInUs....it's been a month since you last posted here...how are you doing? Any improvement....I know what you mean about those evil little voices. Something I try to remind myself is our thoughts are NOT a product of us....thoughts just come into our mind and are not reflective of who we are or what we want....it's just the ocd making us doubt what we know to be true...I'm interested in seeing if you've improved at all though!

  3. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    *bump* anyone have any success stories? I could really use them right now

  4. JenniferE

    JenniferE Member

    Hi Flnang129,

    I am a success story, and if it makes you feel any better, I continue to believe that people typically stop posting on here once they get back to their "old self". In some ways, I don't blame them, the memories are extremely painful. Even as I write this I wonder if it will cause a slight dip in my mood.

    Anyway, I truly relate to all these posts about feelings toward boyfriend/husband/partner. When I began the mess of going off of BCP, I was just a few months away from my wedding. By the time I healed completely, I was still a newlywed (I was on BCP for a very short time, hence the faster rate of healing). I too couldn't feel the love for my boyfriend, who I'd dated for a year and had been friends with for 10. I CONSTANTLY analyzed my feelings, which were nearly always negative. When I did have a semi-normal day, and began to feel a lift in mood, negative thoughts would immediately invade my brain. They were like a broken record most days. I questioned things I never had before. I thought, "is he right for me?", "am I just settling?", "maybe I love him, but do I love him enough?", "does he love me more than I love him?", "what if I never get over this and hurt him more in the long run?"

    These feelings and questions were a daily struggle, and there was no instant relief. I did have brief moments of comfort thanks to other women like me posting on these forums. I also found some comfort in the loads of great tips from these women, thank God. However, there was no panacea that made it all better. As the song goes, I had a "hold on hope, it's the only thing that's holdin' me".

    I'm thankful that it did. Because eventually, I did return to my old self. I still have the painful memories and detrimental mental habits I acquired, but other than that I feel like me again. And by mental habits, I mean that I had to relearn how to see my own world. For example, during my recovery phase, I would have normally been going through the "settling in" phase, where the relationship becomes more comfortable, there's less butterflies in the stomach, and more deep joy and comfort. However, I skipped all those normal adjustments and feelings because I was busy being swamped in a mess of hormones and negative emotions. So, by the time I was healed, I was thrown into a new phase of my relationship of which I wasn't really prepared. I was expecting constant bliss and butterflies because that's what I'd remembered from before BCP. Therefore, when I didn't feel that, I began to worry that maybe I hadn't really recovered. However, as I began to work through these feelings with my "old self" emotions and stability, I quickly realized what had happened. Now, I can honestly say that I love my husband more than I ever have, and that I continue to love him more every single day. I know it's cheesy, but it's true. There are still the random butterfly moments, and those will never go away, neither will the love (as long as I stay off BCP!)

    Sorry that was long, but I hope it helped!

  5. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    Hi JenniferE,

    That helped TREMENDOUSLY! I understand not wanting to come back on here when you're feeling better, I don't blame any of you. But I SO appreciate you coming back and giving me hope.

    I don't know if you read my story but I've been off BCP for 3 months now, been with my beautiful boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and the numbness and questioning and anxiety toward him scares the crap out of me. I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. I love him more than anything. I just want to feel that again so it helps to read stories like yours so that I can keep holding onto hope.

    I am also seeing a holistic therapist who is working on Cognitive Therapy with me and is also teaching me meridian tapping to release the anxiety and depression and make all of the negative obsessive thoughts go away.

    I can't wait to be back to my old self again and feel all of those wonderful loving feelings toward my boyfriend again. I'm SO looking forward to it.

    Thank you so so much for sharing your success story. It brightened my day [​IMG]

  6. IBelieveInUs

    IBelieveInUs Active Member

    Flnang: Sorry I didn't write back sooner -- I just saw your post from 10/12 now. I post more on SteadyHealth because it was more active but came back here this week when that forum was inactive. Anyway, I honestly don't know how I'm doing. I've started acupuncture with a certified herbalist and the sessions and vitamins/herbs she has given me have definitely helped a little. I have more good/normal days that I usually do. But it makes the setbacks so painful. I feel like I'm so close to recovering and then *bam* I get dragged back down.

    I get the usual (ridiculous) thoughts that all stem around the "You don't love him" thoughts. Over the months, I've always had a "theme" of thoughts and a lot of those don't bother me anymore but I can't get rid of the "You don't love him" thoughts. For example, early on, I had specific thoughts in my head like: "This is your gut telling you something is wrong" and "You don't like his personality" and "He's not right for you" and "You want to love him but you don't" and "He's too nice. You want someone more exciting." Most of those don't bother me anymore, and, to be honest, I've forgotten about some of the thoughts. Now, I just have the "You don't love him" thought that I can't shake. I also have severe irritability issues. Everyone annoys the hell out of me. And when my boyfriend does, it breaks my heart. I keep snapping at him and getting irritated at him. We like never fight so this has been really challenging. And although he constantly reassures me that he understands and that he loves me and would never leave, I keep worrying/dreading/waiting for the day where he tells me he can't take this anymore and leaves. I know he won't but I just feel like I must be so unbearable to be around. My emotions and moods are so out of control. I just get so cranky. And I get depressed a lot. Just a constant down feeling. I've always had anxiety problems but never depression. I didn't realize how much you can physically feel depression. When I feel down, I physically feel it. My mind feels dark and cloudy. It's terrible. When I have random good moods, my outlook on my relationship is much better. I truly believe that we are all experiencing something similiar to post-pardum depression due to hormone imbalances.

    Jennifer's success story keeps me staying strong. It inspires me to keep going. But lately, I'm able to recognize it's anxiety and not real more frequently but then I get so upset that it's not going away. I cried all night last night because I just want to feel normal again. Not feeling like myself for almost seven months now has been mentally and physically exhausting. And I feel like I'm putting so much unnecessary pressure on my perfectly healthy and happy relationship. I feel out of control and helpless to it -- Like my mind/body is sabotaging me. It's a terrible feeling.

    I totally understand the girls not coming back after recovering. I don't post as frequently on good days because I don't want the forum to trigger/spike my anxiety. But at the same time, I wish I had more success stories to hold onto. So many girls posted on here awhile ago that are gone now. I'm sure they'd still be posting if they were still miserable since they posted so frequently awhile ago. So, I hope for them (and us) that it means they're healed or at least more in control. I hope my slight improvements are a sign that I'm getting closer to recovery but when I have bad days, the good days/improvements are so hard to remember. It's so hard to have hope on the bad days. My entire strength goes into not running away from my boyfriend on those bad days. This has been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. I'm so thankful for my boyfriend's strength and understanding. He keeps us strong when I can't. I just want to be me again. And consistently!

  7. hi IBelieveInUs, ( and to the other posters)

    I do not suffer this kind of situation which is vey damning to say the least. I haven’t followed the thread step by step, occasionally I read an entry here and there.

    However, from day one I have had this particular question in my mind, about the sexual part of all of your relationships going thru witn this hellish experience.

    ** Does it still exists?
    ** Increased libido?
    ** Decreased libido?
    ** Does is still satisfies your sexual desires and/or erotic dreams?
    ** Can you still orgasm with your boyfriend/husband/partner even though you “feel” you don’t “love” him anymore?

    I know a woman does not need to be in love to orgasm. But here you apparently hold at times very negative feelings particularly against your boyfriend/husband/partner. So, what happens?

    Before becoming aware of this problem I would have thought that a good and successful sexual encounter would increase your closeness and loving and nurturing feelings toward your partner, however I read openly or between lines that is not the case. Therefore my questions.

    I have a silly suggestion perhaps:

    When you have a positive day and you feel “you really love your partner”, why don’t you write a short note to yourself explaining that “love feeling” for him in as many words and feelings and forms, date it, keep it?

    And read it every day, every day,,,, regardless of what you feel at that time.
    And add only more good feelings as time goes by.

    Your stories have been a rude awakening for me and hopefully for many other women.

    Hang in there, in time you will be another JenniferE success story. I hope so very much.

  8. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    "And although he constantly reassures me that he understands and that he loves me and would never leave, I keep worrying/dreading/waiting for the day where he tells me he can't take this anymore and leaves."

    There you go! That right there screams that you still love him! If you didn't, you wouldn't care. I know it's hard to let that soak in because when you're having a bad day it's like a mental block that keeps you from obsorbing the meaning of that. But I get the same thoughts you did, "what if something is telling me it isn't meant to be?" "What if you're gay and you don't know it?" "What if you're just going through the motions?" Etc....thing is, 3 months ago I was madly in love with this man and had been for 2 years! Then I stopped taking bcp and the thoughts started a month later. It's scary because obsessive thoughts can feel SO real sometimes, but here's something my therapist helped me realize...obsessions are baseless, meaning if you had to sit down and write a list of evidence to back up your obsessions, you'd have nothing. I have ZERO reason as to why I would just stop loving my boyfriend, I decided months ago he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! I have ZERO evidence as to how I could be gay, first of all gay people are born gay and that never changes. Sexual orientation can't just change. Second I'm not attracted to women but my brain plays tricks on me. Another thing my therapist is helping me learn is that our thoughts are not reflective of who we are and what we want all of the time. Sometimes we just have random thoughts, it's the way we react to the thoughts that causes the emotion. If that makes sense. I think you're well on your way to a solid recovery. If you're starting to have more good days then just hold onto those! Also do you notice your bad days coming around when you should be pms'ing or having a period? That happens for me. Keep up the acupuncture, it will help!

  9. IBelieveInUs

    IBelieveInUs Active Member

    Yeah, I mean, I think the fact that we're so upset by these thoughts and the fact that we're on these boards shows how much we love our boyfriends. It's just hard to remember that when the thoughts feel so real. It's just really been a very devastating experience. I am better than I was but I still have a ways to go. The acupuncture does help though and I recommend it to anyone who can afford it (it's about $80/session for me). It's really crazy what hormones can do to you and how much they can distort your reality and alter your emotions. It's really scary how helpless you can feel and be. I hope I don't get this again when I'm pregnant/after. I just feel really defeated at the moment. I miss my old self and I miss my fun, easy, comforting relationship. I used to happily day dream about our future constantly. Now I spend most of my days doubting everything. Sometimes, for a millisecond, something shoots across my brain that reminds me that I love my boyfriend and reminds me how silly these thoughts are. But it's almost like my brain rejects these happy/rational thoughts. I almost feel them being "snapped" away. It's like my brain receptors are messed up, or something. I don't know. I just feel so down most of the time. I can't remember the last time I felt excited about something.

  10. Evanessa

    Evanessa Member

    Hi girls

    And thanks for sharing your stories here, I really hope we will all feel better soon!

    I am around 10 months off and still not 100% myself. Doubts are still here, they come and go with anxiety , like the fears. I am scared to love or be attracted by other people I know or meet, or I am scared to become crazy, schizo or whatever. Sometimes when I hear in the news that someone did an awful thing I am scared that I will do the same :(It never happened to me before this hormonal mess [​IMG]

    I am still not able to feel that I love my BF, like I did before all this mess. And I feel really distant from the people I loved the most when I was normal, like my parents. I don't really want to see them or talk to them. I feel really guilty about that sometimes.

    And around bad times of the months I can get angry really quickly and easily, mostly for no reasons.

    Anyway I just want to thank you all, we have to wait to be 100% ourselves I am sure we will be happy soon:) Take care!

  11. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    Yeah, it's pretty scary what hormone imbalances can do to our thinking...I never ever thought I would be like this. At least we know it's temporary...even though the obsessive thoughts can try to make you think otherwise...our thoughts are not us ladies...we have to remember that. AND the numbness is coming from the hormone imbalance...when one experiences anxiety or depression it is very difficult to feel any other emotion. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it when I laugh...it's truly amazing. Like all of the girls on here I have my good moments and bad...but I'm hoping that as my hormones balance there will be more good and very little bad.

    Evanessa have you had your hormones tested?

  12. Evanessa

    Evanessa Member

    Hi Flnangl29

    I hope you feel better! No I didn't have my hormone tested, since all began I saw an endocrinologist and she told me that for her it couldn't come from sex hormones and that I should see a psychiatrist because it could only be a psychological problem [​IMG]

    Then I saw my gyno who told me to take 5htp I asked her to check my hormones with a blood test she told me it was useless [​IMG] It is hard when nobody believes you, especially doctors who deal with hormones everyday and they are women too.

    Right now I feel bad, because it is like I feel attracted by other people than my bf, I am scared to be attracted by men I see at work, or even to be in love with them. This is crazy because I barely know them.

  13. SLynn17

    SLynn17 Member

    Evanessa: I know exactly how you feel when you say you hear stuff in news about horrible things people have done - I'm the same way. Instead of obsessing over my relationship, my thoughts obsess over that kind of thing, and the "what-if's" about going crazy. NONE of this happened before my birth control was switched, nothing even close. On my good days, I can see that it's ridiculous to get scared of these ridiculous thoughts, but on bad days it's so hard not to.

  14. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    Hello Evanessa,

    I"m sorry but it infuriates me that both of your doctors told you it isn't from the hormones, ESPECIALLY your endocronologist, shame on them! THEY of all people should know it's the hormones! Ignorance...just pure ignorance. It's disgusting.

    PLEASE know that this is most likely your hormones and not a psychological problem. If this all wasn't a problem before the birth control, then it's hormonal. You NEED to have your hormones tested. I can almost guarantee your levels are off. Birth control depletes our natural hormones by feeding synthetic hormones into our bodies. When our natural hormones get wind of this they stop producing because they figure there's no need when there are these other hormones in the system. After coming off birth control (I already had a hormone imbalance before starting bcp, stupid ass doctor) my progesterone and estrogen were SO low they were almost zero....no wonder I feel the way I do! I'm now taking bioidentical hormone creams and am finally getting a natural period! It's great! It takes a little longer for your moods to even out and for the anxiety to go away but I know those days are right around the corner [​IMG]

    On my bad days, my brain tricks me and makes me think "what if it isn't the hormones, what if you'll always be this way" but I know that's just another form of an intrusive thought because it's unwanted and irrational. On my good days I can almost laugh at myself because the thoughts I have are SO ridiculous and couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm looking forward to the good days over powering the bad.

    Evanessa, PLEASE try to have your hormones tested. Even if you can't find a doctor to do it for you, you can order a salivary hormone test online and get your results in the mail. Good luck with that and let me know how it goes!

  15. JenniferE

    JenniferE Member

    Flnang129--Thanks again for the words of wisdom from your therapist. Looking back, and even now, I wonder if I should have sought professional help. I probably would've healed faster. And frankly, I could probably still benefit from a therapist for all the lingering habits I've acquired.

    Sometimes, I still have the random worries about how I love my husband, for example, if I love him enough or if I love him the way a wife should. Now that I'm back to me, I can analyze it safely, without worry of too much of an emotional reaction as before. What I've noticed is that despite brushing off my worries or rationalizing them away (easy to do now), they still return. That's the part that still bothers me.

    When my husband is home, I rarely ever have these thoughts. But when he's away (he works second shift), these thoughts pop up frequently, despite my ability to brush them off. I'm starting to worry that my problems will return due to this issue, and I REALLY don't want to go back to that! I'm wondering, how can I embrace my healed self if I'm still dealing with the lingering mental habits?

  16. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    Yes, I actually decided to no longer go to her, my last session she kind of upset me in that she was defending synthetic hormones, saying they're not as bad as people think, etc. and that the danger of them is completely blown out of proportion. That infuriated me. So I decided to just focus on getting my hormones balanced and getting the remnants of the bcp out of my system.

    I'm still doing the bioidentical creams and am taking a natural liver supplement and trying to drink tons of water to flush out my system. The fast this poison is out of me the better!

    Yes, I think that's the key, because honestly we ALL have weird thoughts from time to time, however when we are ourselves we have the ability to rationalize and notice that the thoughts are completely bogus and shrug them off. They certainly don't cause anxiety so bad to the point where your mind is racing and you can't sleep or eat. I sunk back into that boat last night. I know there are expected setbacks on the road to recovery that are completely normal, it's just so hard because it's discouraging.

    JenniferE, have you had your hormones checked? I am honestly a huge advocate for that because hormone health = brain health. Our hormones are chemical messengers to our brains.

  17. Calliopebrook

    Calliopebrook New Member

    Hope i shouldn't be worried.... As it goes with my boyfriend, we just keep trying to move forward and look at the positive. He reassures me everyday and tells me that we will fight this and get through this. I tell ya, it's so much better when he's around! It's hard, i have my bad days for sure. I'm trying to just relax my mind a bit when i get that relationship anxiety and say like clark mentioned in a post, "yeah that thought is there but i'm not going to give it the time of day", and it has been helping me a bit.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2013

  18. PinkLeopard

    PinkLeopard New Member

    I think it's just all a matter of time....I wish some of the older posters would come back here and let us know how they are feeling. I'm sure they're back to normal and that is why they don't come on here anymore. I can't wait until I am one of the success stories. I have moments throughout the day where my feelings for my boyfriend try to come back, they're not full blown like before, but they peak in every once in a while. It feels good and makes me happy...the thoughts of not loving him anymore cause me anxiety and DO NOT make me happy in any way. That's how I know the thoughts aren't real.

  19. mommyof1

    mommyof1 New Member

    I was wondering does anyone have floaters in their eyes this is really bothering me

  20. Rose18

    Rose18 New Member

    I just found this and everything i have read describes me its the most horrible feeling!! i was only on birth control for about 5 or 6 months it started with me taking everything my boyfriend said wrong over analyzing everything he said ..then the heart palpitations and intrusive negative hateful thoughts about him came then the first anxiety attacks started happening even when id be sleeping! thats how i knew it wasnt me and that something had to of been causing these things and its the pill! ive been off it for a month and i staarted feeling great again but i have my bad days...im scared ill never stop feeling this nagging hatred towards my boyfriend and i will have no choice but to leave him thats my worst fear!! ROCD is the worst thing anyone can ever go thru! i just hope it goes away!!!!


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