Where does our self-esteem come from? Is it from our adult achievements, job successes, money, material possessions, friends and lovers, status in the community? In a word - no!
These are only enhancements but the raw material for our sense of self-worth is woven in childhood, especially the first 3-5 years. During these crucial first years of life, everything we hear, see, feel, experience, sense, are told, infer, have done to us or not done to us, is absorbed and forms what are known as our core beliefs. These form the basis of our psychological patterning which we then take into our adult lives and use to forge relationships, choose jobs, make choices, succeed or fail. As they are subconscious, we can't see them but we can certainly see their effects - disastrous marriages, lack of money, job failure, poor health or self-defeating life-choices.
The underlying cause of all these is low self-esteem. If it's so important, why don't we know more about it? In fact, nowadays, children are being taught self-love in school. This in turn permeates their behavior, performance, interactions and general happiness. Think how the world would change for the better if all our children knew how precious they are and lived their lives in that belief, Self-love isn't vanity or arrogance but a genuine confidence in - and having a healthy relationship with - one's own inner being.
Those of you who are parents of young children are probably wondering how you might improve your child's self-esteem. After all, the home is the first learning-place.
Firstly, think back to the things that made you feel small and helpless when you were a child. Make a list of them and vow never to do those things to your children, in other words, learn from your parents' mistakes. Remember, parents are only people after all, therefore, they are imperfect. Whatever you got in childhood that you didn't like - don't repeat, but DO repeat the things that made you feel safe, loved and valued.
All children are powerless, even the most confident, assertive ones. They are at the mercy of your whims, moods, choices and behaviors. To a large extent, this has to be the case because you are their guardians and therefore, have to make decisions that affect them on a daily basis, even in the most basic matters such as what they eat. Where there is a margin of flexibility, give way, for example, allow them to pick their own clothes sometimes, or the decor of their rooms; don't keep unnecessary secrets, be as honest and open as possible. Ask questions with candor and admit when you're wrong.
Give tons and tons of praise, for effort if not achievement, and very little criticism, if any. Evaluate rather than judge and never be negative about attempts at new things no matter how seemingly unsuccessful. Offer loving discipline and boundaries, rules for learning and strength - not rules for their own sake or to make your lives as parents easier. Ask and listen, don't just tell and command. Try to speak quietly and explain the reason for your displeasure, rather than just yelling indiscriminately.
Children see you spend time with the things and activities you love so if you don't spend time with them, they automatically assume you don't love and enjoy them. Children tend to take on the burden of guilt very easily, so be careful of what you say in their hearing. A careless remark said in an unguarded moment and overheard by a child could destroy their sense of wellbeing and the damage can be far-reaching.
Time and attention are the most precious gifts you can give a child. Do simple things together and give of yourself freely. It's far more important than toys or games or expensive holidays. Love and laughter and shared fun will be remembered well into adult life.
The parents of past generations did not know the importance of touch, attention, hugging and praise - so we can't blame them. I've even had a guy tell me he never praised his son because he didn't want him to get big-headed! Now we know that a child can never be loved or praised or hugged too much; indeed, we have bumper stickers on cars that advise; "Hug a child a day!" We know now that these gifts are more vital to a child's emotional and physical health than food, shelter and clothing. So there's no excuse for modern parents.
Communicate clearly and positively in all areas of life. Sex education is particularly crucial. If a child feels listened to and heard (not always the same thing!), this will do wonders for their self-esteem. If he/she asks an uncomfortable question and you don't flinch from it but explain as clearly as you can, the child will be perfectly satisfied; but if you prevaricate, you will set up doubt and self-criticism. Never make a child feel "dirty" for having a normal interest in sexual matters, especially their own bodies. So many female eating disorders and sexual hang-ups stem from poor body-image learnt in childhood.
Give unconditional love. I don't believe that parents really withdraw their love when they are angry with their children, but rejection combined with the removal of approval can translate in a child's mind to being unloved and being "bad". It's vital to always emphasize that it's the action or behavior you're angry with, not the child. When forced to criticize or discipline, always do it in a loving way. I realize that this is a tall order but the results are worth the effort. A child that feels loved under all and any circumstances will be emotionally strong and have an iron-clad self-esteem which will serve them all through their future lives.
Summary:
How to teach a child self-esteem:
- Learn from your own childhood experiences
- Be as flexible as you can be
- Give lots of praise and minimize criticism
- Share lots of time and attention
- Lots of physical affection and demonstration of love
- Communicate clearly
- Unconditional love
Related articles:
Coping With Family
What Is Love?
Assertiveness And Being Heard
Forget Purchasing Power: All You Need Is Love
