Women's sexuality is quite different to men's for subtle reasons as well as the obvious biological ones. Very few women can "turn on" without some emotional or physical prelude. Masters and Johnson taught us about this several decades ago, so why are so many women still not enjoying their sex lives in 2006? Is it really all about foreplay and orgasm? Can a woman still enjoy sex if she's not physically satisfied? The answer is yes, but she has to get satisfaction at some level. If it's all about her partner, she's unlikely to find fulfillment on an ongoing basis.
The first thing she needs to do is to educate herself - about her own body, the sex act itself, her feelings and the reasons she's having sex. It goes along with the territory, doesn't it? When you love someone, you automatically want to make love, if you're "normal", right? Sure, in a romantic sense, but not if you've suffered sexual trauma in the past, have issues with your own body or you've been repressed by your upbringing.
We're not machines. Sex may be a natural act, but unlike for men, it isn't an automatic reflex for women. We need an overture and an intimate context, and then maybe a climax is possible. Guys are built differently. Once they're aroused, they're ready to fire. It isn't always a foregone conclusion for women.
Some women are just as physical as men in the bedroom; some are totally blocked off from their sexuality; the rest of us want it sometimes and at other times, we don't. It's not whether you're having sex or not that matters, it's that you're making the choice. If you're having sex but you're not enjoying it because you see it as expected or necessary, then that's unhealthy. Sexual boundaries are just as essential as the other boundaries in life. I remember one counseling client telling me that sex was her "last chore of the day." How sad that one of life's greatest pleasures should be viewed in this way.
Repression is the only sexual sin against oneself. If you're in a relationship enjoying regular sex, or you're single and have casual sex, or if you're celibate but have found creative ways to sublimate; that's all fine. But if a lack of sex represents a deprivation or you've closed off your natural sexual energies, that's not good. Try to find the source of the blockage and release it. Tantra is a helpful tool for this because it de-emphasizes genital contact, intercourse and orgasm, focusing instead on touch, sensuality and breathing technique. It's an excellent way to center yourself and get back in touch with your life-force and energy-flow.
If you're comfortable with your own body, you're going to be more at ease in sharing sexual experiences with your lover. Feel good about yourself and let your sexuality be part of your life, not separate from it. Don't hand over the responsibility for your pleasure to anyone else. You're in charge of that and as long as you are, you can never go wrong.
So, educate, release, have clear boundaries, love yourself and get in touch with your center - these are the secrets behind good sex for a woman.
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