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 Ask Aphrodite - 2007 (Jan-Jun)
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Is He Gay?
May 25, 2007
Q. I have been dating a man for one-and-a-half years. All he wants to do is cuddle. And if we do have sex, it's nothing but that. How do you tell if a man is gay?
A. I'm not totally clear whether you mean that you've never had sex in all the time you've been dating. If that's the case, then you are friends rather than lovers. What do you think he wants from you? It doesn't automatically follow that he could be gay. Some people, men and women, have low libidos, which just means that they don't need or want sex very often. Cuddling is great but if you want more, you're going to have to ask for it. Maybe you're being too passive, hoping he'll make the macho moves. Have an honest talk with him and then decide if this relationship is really what you want.
Just A Friend?
May 18, 2007
Q. I'm absolutely head over heels for my best friend. She's utterly gorgeous, so much fun to be with, and she's like the one girl that ever made me feel like nothing else mattered when she was around. We're best friends and I want the relationship to expand into something greater. I've been "chasing her" for over a year and a half now, and she's known how I've felt because we're best friends and tell each other everything. I really feel that this relationship could be the best thing to ever happen to us both. She never gives me a reason as to why she doesn't like me "like that" but I really feel that as soon as it progresses, it will last. Everyone says we're the perfect couple. So I guess what I'm asking is how can we expand from our "best friend" friendship? Thanks for your time!
A. If I could give you the definitive reason why we love one person in a romantic way and not another, I guess I'd be rich and famous. You offer up some compelling arguments for your having a relationship with this girl but if it's not there for her, it won't work. I like that you've expressed your feelings for her because that's true friendship as you said - honesty without fear. There's really nothing else you can or need to do. Often good friends do make the best partners and if this girl comes to see this, you'll have what you want. I suggest you don't put all your eggs into one basket though. Get out, meet other women too and keep your options open for now.
Why Is He Pushing Me Away?
May 11, 2007
Q. I have been dating this person for nearly 2 years and we have one of the strongest relationships I know of - or so I thought.
Most recently I have noticed a distance from him. And now, I think my boyfriend is depressed. He is pushing me away. Last week, I brought up our future/next step. I am 27 and he is 31. After 3 days of taking time apart, at his request to soul search, he says he needs more time apart from me in order to salvage our relationship!
He tries to assure me that I have done nothing wrong. He thinks his heart will grow fonder. Although he expresses that he still loves me, he has lost any excitement/passion towards me. And he is scared for our future because of how he currently feels. He is scared about his feelings towards our relationship. He still wants to be together, not breaking up because I think he sees some value still in saving our relationship. But the time apart scares me for many reasons.
He admitted that he is too lazy right now to work on our relationship together. Going through a "check-list" of how to get our relationship on track is of no interest to him. A big question for me after talking with him was if there was somebody else in the picture, another woman, if he is taking time to see if that would work out. But he made it a point that that is the furthest thing from his mind right now. Additionally, he noted that if he were interested in someone else, he would end our relationship.
When I suggested that we take a vacation together to escape, he just said he didn't want to, but that he would for me but that he doesn't think it's the right time for it. He did mention that if/when we take the next step to our future together, that a vacation is probably the first thing we should do. This is all so crazy. I realize that we may have fallen into a routine and all but wish he would have been more open with me in regard to his feelings before we got to this point. I do think he is depressed and that he is taking it out on our relationship. Also, him knowing that I think about OUR future probably scares him. I need to start thinking about how I can help him to save us. How do I help us more forward together?
A. Passion does diminish after the first couple of years and some people mistake this for loss of interest. A break from the relationship can actually prove very beneficial. You may not like the idea but that's where trust comes in. If what you have together is really good, it will resume when the time is right. You say you're prepared to give him the space he needs for right now but it seems to me that you aren't willing to wait quietly. As hard as it is, try not to communicate with him till he's ready.
Also, try not to worry so much. It just adds pressure. The best gift anyone can give a relationship is to be happy in yourself. Do that and when your guy gets in touch, you will be ready to start again on a positive note. I agree that you need to work together on improving your relationship but he has to want it too. There'll be time enough for that once the current situation is resolved.
If you would like some therapy to help you right now, consider having email counseling with me.
The Other Woman
May 4, 2007
Q. I'm 20 years old and I have been 2 yrs and 7 months now with my first formal boyfriend, he is 21 and this is his 2nd formal relationship. Things were looking great until 9 months ago. I used to be his priority and he always made me feel like that special someone. I think everything started when he changed his passwords to his e-mails and other things (which I used to know).
I didn't pay much attention to it then (I just thought he wanted space). Then he started to do things without telling me like going out to the countryside with his family (I found out because his sister had told me when I called the house). One day we were both sitting on the computer and he checked his e-mail in front of me and I saw that a girl had written to him, I asked him to open it and the e-mail said; "thanks for being such a great friend. I hope this relationship never ends. I care for you." What made me uncomfortable (and I told him) was that he had never told me about this girl. He told me that it was nothing, that he only spoke with her online.
A month later we went to the beach with some of our friends. I picked up his cell phone to make a call and I see that he has an unread message, so I opened it. The message was from the same girl and it said, "Have a great day at the beach although I wish I was there." I got very upset and told him that I did not want him to keep speaking with her and so he promised me that he was going to let her know that he felt a little uncomfortable speaking with her.
About 2 weeks later I borrow his cell phone and I saw that there were phone calls made and received from the same girl. I got very upset and he told me that he made that call to tell her that he had a girlfriend whom he loved and didn't want to hurt her feelings (I believed him, again). After that, things just got really weird, there were times I didn't see him for a whole week (we don't live together), he rarely expressed his feelings to me and this is a person who used to send dozens of roses all the time and tell me that I was the girl he was going to marry. I didn't think much of it since he had told me that he was going to stop talking with that girl and I trusted him. About a month later I left the country for 2 months to work on a project. The entire 2 months he let me know that he was missing me and that he loved me very much. When I got back he met me at the airport at about 3 in the morning (my flight was late) and things were looking very good. Slowly things started to get like before (I got back 2 months ago).
While I was away he had bought a new cell phone, which he rarely let me use, but the times I did use it I noticed that there were a lot of unidentified numbers (outgoing and incoming calls) most from the same number. He also would not pick up some phone calls in front of me. About 3 or 4 weeks ago I saw that he had an unread message and I checked it. This message left me VERY concerned because he had promised me that he was going to stop talking with her which means he lied, the message says "I too" which means he said it first, and she says "plan our escape together" which means she wants more than a friend. At the time, I didn't say anything. I decided to wait and see what else I could find. Two days later I decided I couldn't hold it in anymore. I also knew that I needed more than just a cell phone message to be able to question him so I made up a fake e-mail that supposedly she had sent me telling me that they were together and that if I said anything she would deny it (I know that was wrong). When finally I spoke with him and told him that I had seen the messages he admitted to me (with tears falling down and everything, this was the first time I had ever seen him cry) that he had been speaking with her but that he had never done anything physically with her (our physical relationship was still very good, and all of his friends and family members made sure that I knew he was not a man that cheated, so I believed that part). That didn't really bother me; what bothered me was that he was expressing big feelings to someone else. I felt betrayed and there were times when I had to ask him to tell me that he loved me and there he was telling it to someone else. I asked him if he had ever gone to see her and he said no.
The next day we continued the conversation and I kept asking him questions (I didn't know what to do in this situation, I still don't). I asked again; "have you gone to see her" and this time he answered yes, that he had gone to her house. I asked him how many times and he said twice (doubtful). I then asked him he they had ever gone out or had he bought her something and he said no. Later that night I asked him again that question and he told me that he had taken her to eat an ice-cream. After all this I let him know how much he had hurt me and that I didn't trust him. I also asked him to please stop telling me that she didn't mean anything to him because obviously she did. When a person hides something that something holds some type of importance, he tells me that he did that because he didn't want to hurt me. He admits that he did wrong and that in some way he "cheated" on me (he had been cheated on before in a past relationship). He stopped talking with her.
A week later her father dies, so I told him that it was ok if he called her to let her know that he is sorry. He called her again a week ago and I found out he just told me that he was doing what he would have done if someone else's father had died, check on them. She keeps sending him casual messages like "hey, how you doing?" "what's up" and I am afraid that he is going to lie to me again. I used to be the special person in his life and it almost feels like he wants to make her the special person; he is giving my place, as a girlfriend whom you talk to, to her. Thank you so much for taking your time to read this! I really want a professional opinion. I just don't feel like I deserve this.
A. I think you've already worked out what's going on. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Whether or not he has been physical with this other woman, he has definitely been deceitful and dishonest. The reason for his behavior is easy to understand. It's clear he hasn't wanted to risk losing you but that doesn't make it right. You've been going round and round with this problem because you don't want to face the reality that your guy has been living a double life. You asked for my professional advice - here it is. You need to put your foot down even if it means risking your relationship. You need to value yourself a bit more so that this type of situation doesn't occur again. As long as you put up with it, it will continue. You can't entirely blame the other girl. If your boyfriend didn't encourage her, it wouldn't be happening. If he values you, he'll agree to totally cut her off. Don't put up with it anymore.
Look Before You Leap
April 27, 2007
Q. I met this really nice guy at my local sporting club. I knew him for 2 days and then I ended up sleeping with him. I was a virgin at the time. We are now supposedly friends, but he doesn't reply to my calls or texts and if we do talk, he says that all he wanted was sex or I just get angry at him and we end up having a fight. I'm really hurt by the fact that I was a virgin and now he doesn't want anything to do with me when I thought of him as boyfriend material. He doesn't know how much he has hurt me. How do I let him know this? And should I forget him or forgive him?
A. You have just learned one of life's toughest lessons, which is that you need to "look before you leap." You sound very young but regardless of that, having sex with a guy after two days is not advisable. As you were a virgin, this is doubly true. If he had been a different kind of guy, the outcome might've been far better. Unfortunately, I think he's telling the truth when he says he only wanted sex. How could you possibly assess his boyfriend potential after two days? At the moment, you're just going round in circles and I can't see any other result transpiring. Forgive him in your heart, by all means, but he's not even your friend so what are you holding onto really? He hasn't respected but you can respect yourself by moving on and putting this valuable lesson behind you. I'm sure he does know he's hurt you but he just doesn't seem to care. Try to forget him and meet someone who will value you more.
Sexual Past
April 20, 2007
Q. I have been married to my wife for over 15 years. Before we got married, we were friends and she was going out with one friend of mine who was married but asked me not to say anything to her. I thought it was none of my business. He ended up taking her virginity, and kept lying to her. He used to tell me everything about their sexual encounters with a lot of detail. After a while, I felt bad for her and told her that he was married. She was very sad but decided to keep seeing him. Soon after he had to go back to his country for his wife and we ended up sleeping together and I thought that would help her get over him. It seemed like she got over him right away and we fell in love and it was great for a while. We have 5 children and early on I told her I wanted her to give me oral as I knew she had done it with her ex. She denied it and I resented that. Through the years there have been instances that bring up memories and I get very upset. At times I bring up the fact that she was going out with a married man and she gets very angry and says that I should not bring up the past. She also denies having said some of the things she told me as friends. The last straw was in 2005 when one of the children was doing something that I was not aware of but I suspected something was going on and I confronted my wife and asked her what was happening, she just said that the other kid's mom was saying bad stuff about her and that was all. I knew something else was up and I started feeling resentment because she was not being honest about what was going on. Later that year, our kid told me everything which confirmed what I suspected and begged me not to get mad at Mom. I immediately got very upset and have not been able to get over it. To make matters worse, now I think all the time about the other guy and that makes me feel that I was so stupid and I feel so insecure about myself. I am really considering separation but don't want to hurt the kids. I would like to tell her that I just want to be friends and just live together but nothing else. I feel empty and I am very sure that I don't love her anymore but I think divorce would be devastating for the kids.
A. Sorry, but I think you have to consider your behavior in this whole situation. You knew exactly who you were marrying as you had been friends and shared confidences. What she did before in dating a married man really has no bearing on your current relationship. We all do stupid things when we're younger and everyone deserves a second chance. When the married guy was out of the picture, she fell for you fair and square and you got married. What has happened since for you to doubt her so much? I think you have let insecurity and suspicion poison your relationship. If you want things to be good again, you'll have to forgive and forget the past. If you can't and really believe you don't love her anymore, it would be kinder to leave. People always use children as an excuse for staying, when in fact, it's more harmful to them to have unloving parents. Think carefully before you give up on what could still be a rewarding marriage.
Divorce Debacle
April 13, 2007
Q. I am 37, have been divorced for 13 and a half years and have recently started dating a very wonderful woman who is 33. She is twice divorced and has children from both marriages. Her second divorce is fairly recent. We started dating about 2 months ago. We both felt an immediate connection and kind of started out fairly intense. Since then she has asked, that we slow things down a bit, to where we have a couple of specific date nights, and we go to church on Sundays when the situation permits. I have of course obliged, as I feel that this woman has been treated poorly in the past and deserves as much love and respect as I can give. I say "when the situation permits" because there is a situation. As I mentioned, she has children from both marriages. Two older children, 15 and 13, and there is a 4 year old from her second marriage. In her divorce decree from her second marriage, there is a clause that states that the child will not be introduced to romantic interests of either party without consent. Her ex has stated he will never give his consent. This has led to a bit of tension. I have met the older children and we all get along great, and I have started to get to know them. These older children have various activities, and I wish to be supportive. In fact the oldest had a concert recently and I was invited to see it. The problem was that the four year old was also going to be in attendance which forced me to have to sit in a different section of the auditorium. It also means that if she is somewhere and I am there, I have to avoid her if she has her son. I don't want to put undue pressure on her because I believe I am in love with her, and as I stated, she doesn't need another idiot man in her life, but I also feel that maybe she is being a bit overly submissive in this matter. How do I help her build up her confidence to where she will be able to start to take action to resolve this situation? As it stands now, it appears that there is no end in sight. I have strong feelings for her, but is there a point where I need to move on if the situation is not resolved? I know two months is not the time, but what is, 6 months, a year, two years? I have offered to pay for her legal fees to get the divorce decree changed because she feels she will never be able to get his consent. What do I do?
A. Hindsight is wonderful, isn't it? That clause should never have been included in the divorce agreement. It's totally unfair to your lady friend and, of course, to you. When a couple breaks up, one of the chief concerns is that one or both partners will bring new lovers into the children's life and if handled indiscriminately, this can indeed be very damaging. But no one should have the right to monitor another person's choices to this extent. I think your suggestion to remove the clause is an excellent one but can it be done without the ex-husband's approval? If it can't, then your love for this woman will truly be tested. You'll stay if you really love her and go if you think it's all too hard - it's as simple and as complex as that. Ultimately only you can decide; but consider this - she's caught right in the middle of a difficult situation and can do with your support. She may not be submissive but rather trying to do right by everyone. By all means, put a deadline on the whole matter and be firm about resolving it within that timeframe.
Best Friend, Say What!?!
March 30, 2007
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. We have a very intense brother/sister-girlfriend/boyfriend-best friend relationship. Before me, he dated my best friend. He didn't love her and had trouble getting it up in bed, because he felt no emotional connection to her, or anyone, before me. The problem is, he stayed with her for one year for "security". My boyfriend has battled depression for most of his teenage life. When his ex broke up with him, his depression pinnacled and she was flattered that she was the cause, even though she wasn’t. He told me he was relieved she‘d gone and the depression increasing was a coincidence, because it was medical, not environmental. I believe him. She, however, thinks he loved her and that no one could replace her, despite their troubled sex life, lack of intellectual stimulation and overall incompatibility. I can't stand her thinking this, because she always thought she was better than me and undermined me. Her spitefulness of me led to people alienating me at school. I was totally alone. She is trying to weave her way into my life and I feel pretty intimidated. She has taken advantage of my shyness a hundred times. I feel scared to go anywhere near where she works, in case she confronts me. As a result, I am constantly asking my boyfriend for assurance that he never loved her and it's driving him crazy. I'm not a jealous person, so every time I ask him for assurance, he assumes I don't trust him and is deeply hurt. I don't know. Am I crazy? I don't know what to do. It's killing me. I just want revenge for all the bad things she's done to me. And the fact that she continues to taunt me. I just want her gone.
A. Some guys can have sex readily with almost anyone but your guy obviously is not like that, to his credit. People stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons. It's part of learning and growing. When his relationship ended with this girl, he may have been relieved and the depression may very well have been unrelated but if he has a propensity towards depression, any break-up might've set it off. All that is past history and really you shouldn't be worrying about it anymore. She can think what she likes; it doesn't make it true. If you don't want to be friends with the girl, just don't be! Why do you have to be? You can't go through life with a passive acceptance of things, situations and people you don't like. I understand that you're shy but you need to stand up for yourself. Don't waste your energy on revenge. That will hurt you more than her. Ask your boyfriend for his support in this matter, not reassurance though, because it's up to you to find your own strength, not his responsibility.
Friendship Lost
March 23, 2007
Q. My ex-lover and I ended our relationship a few years ago - for mutual reasons - but remained good friends thereafter. We both started new relationships, seeing each other now and again on a social level, but nothing more. Things were great, we both got along with each other's partners, until the day he started seeing someone new. This new girlfriend was a very jealous person, and he told me that she was not comfortable with our friendship and the fact that we have "history" together. He didn't take it to heart though, as he said our friendship is solid and dear to his heart. One day I went to his house to visit and as I came to the door she arrived as well. We had never met before, so I introduced myself as his friend. I put out my hand to shake hers and she just blankly looked at me and turned away. At that very moment my friend came out of the house, promptly walked to his car and got in without so much as a glance at me, and they rode off. I was left standing there. I felt abandoned, betrayed. I couldn't understand because there was a time where we both loved each other so much, and now I get treated like this, so abruptly. It was just the day before that we were normal and happy, and then this. This happened 9 months ago, and we haven't spoken since. I was so angry, so hurt, I didn't have it in me to confront him. I wasn't scared, I was just afraid of what I might say or do. I felt I did nothing wrong, so he should've been the one to apologize. I have been having dreams about him every week for the past 9 months, that feel so real, and it's always the same. We bump into each other, we briefly chat and then go somewhere together just to talk, and then someone comes along to call him. It's always a different person, whether it's a friend or family member, but never his girlfriend. She doesn't feature in my dreams. He's always leaving me, just standing there, and I watch him walk away into the distance, smiling at me as his figure goes out of sight. I can't shake him off, because on top of the dreams my boyfriend wears the same perfume as my ex, but I can't tell him because he will be offended. Its not that I'm still in love with him, I just hold friendship dear to my heart and I can't accept the fact that I've lost him to someone who he's known for just about a year compared to 5 years between us. What do these dreams mean? Am I haunted by him abandoning me? How do I get over this?
A. You are quite correct that you didn't do anything wrong. You and your ex had an agreement and he broke it without any concern for your feelings. Also, the way he handled it was callous and cruel. Being friends after a break-up is quite tricky and if it doesn't work out, fair enough but he simply gave in to a jealous girlfriend. Now, where you went wrong was not calling him on it. That's why you're still dreaming about him - the matter has never been resolved. This issue is not really about his new partner. Regardless of what you think of her, it's irrelevant as you're not with him anymore. Even if he wanted friendship again now, he'd have to assure you that he wouldn't dump you again because that's not what friends do. If you still can't face contacting him, write a letter outlining all your feelings about the way he acted but then don't post it. It just helps release the old resentments. Beyond that, put him out of mind as he is no longer in your life and he probably knows he behaved badly so hasn't reached out.
Marriage At The Crossroads
March 16, 2007
Q.
My partner and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5, but I am not sure if he is who I really want to be with. I am always thinking of what it would be like to be with someone else and I feel like I am living with my best friend rather than my husband. I find myself always making excuses not to have sex with him as I don’t want him to touch me in any sort of intimate way. I know he doesn’t feel the same way as he adores me in every possible way and really thinks we are soul-mates. He has no idea that I feel this way and I don’t know how to tell him. Is this a sign that it is time to give up trying to make our marriage work and move on while we are still friends, or is it something everyone goes through?
A.
The answer to your dilemma is not in trying to figure out your feelings but rather your priorities. Do you primarily want passion or companionship? After 11 years, sure, couples can go off sex and marriage can become more like friendship. That is not unusual, but as you say yourself, your husband still adores you, so maybe you've fallen out of love and he hasn't. What concerns me is your complete loss of intimacy because that's really the glue that holds marriage together, and I don't just mean sex but other forms of closeness as well. I really think you need to have an honest talk with your husband. Without being cruel, tell him how you're feeling. If you want to continue in the marriage, you'll need to find between you some ways to fall in love again. It can be done.
Sexual Demands
March 9, 2007
Q. I have been married for 8 years. My husband and I currently have separate living conditions, he moved out in January 2006 and we started trying to put things back together in March. It's been okay, he wanted to move back in September, but it felt wrong. Why pick up from where we left off? I have a 16 year old and we have a 6 year old, I have a full time job, and I drop-off and pick-up from school, I do laundry, cook, etc. I am beat! We do not have the sex life we once had, oh, say, 8 years ago, when we had more alone time, but I also have two girls in the house. A 16 year old doesn't need to know or hear our business. His complaint is always sex, he never gets enough. I do not deny him, I will make that clear, but it's not enough. I have said a marriage should not be based on how many encounters we have, and the more he brings it up, at 3:00am on a Tuesday or 4:30 am on a Wednesday, it becomes a major turn-off. He cheated on me and I forgave him, however, he feels he had good reason to, and that I cannot own up to my faults. Perhaps I am not as sexual as I once was, I am still young at 43 and desire it, maybe just not the same with him. He suggested I take testosterone, wanted to know if my having a hysterectomy would help my sexual appetite. It's all my fault, it always is, just the other night at 4:00am he shot me with "do you know why people cheat?" Is that an indirect threat, how should I handle this, and talk to him?
A. Okay, first off - you are not at fault! You are not responsible for your partner's sexual needs. A relationship is about equal rights. It's very difficult for two people to have identical libido levels but if you communicate, love and share, it's not a problem. You say you do make love regularly, so the rest is his issue. I can't believe he asked you to take testosterone or have a hysterectomy just so he can get more sex! Needs and desires change, especially as we get older and you have a lot on your plate as well. It's totally inconsiderate of him to ask for sex in the early hours of the morning. That's about sex addiction, certainly not love. You're quite right in saying that there's no point going back unless he's willing to get professional help and change his ideas.
What Intimacy?
March 2, 2007
Q. I met my live-in boyfriend 2 years ago. We have been living together for almost a year now. I am 32, he is 41. The first year we were not together. I was living in another state, pregnant with our baby. He asked me to move in with him last November. At first, I said no because I had plans to go to work, school, get on my own two feet. He said I could do that while living together which is happening. Together we have 7 kids, two that reside with us full time. I came into this relationship with expectations and have learned to let go of a lot of them. I am happy in all areas of our relationship EXCEPT for the intimacy. He has not lived with anyone for almost 8 years. He makes me feel like I am unattractive but I know I'm not. He makes fun of fat people all the time (I am 10 pounds overweight). We don't kiss or hold each other. We just go through the motions every time we have sex. It was GREAT when we first met. I have told him I don't understand and he says it's because he has impotence problems and it is just easier to "take care of himself". He actually said having sex is "work" to him. Talk about insensitive. But I have come to expect that from him. Actually, I have come to accept a lot of negative things and now I find myself making plans for the future that don't involve him. I know I am smart, beautiful, sexy and independent, and I deserve better. Is he too old to change? Is our age difference a problem? Or is it time to move on?
A. Your age difference is not significant and I really don't think it's a major factor in your situation. I'm not even sure it's about your weight but I'm concerned about his insensitivity in making fun of "fat" people. What I think is happening is that he's gotten lazy after 8 years on his own. It's much easier to masturbate than to make love to a woman. If he's really impotent, this condition can be taken care of. Of course he's not too old to change. Change is all about desire. With enough motivation and commitment, we can do anything. Before you give up, you should at least find out what the reason for his disinterest really is. The main thing is not to let it affect your self-esteem. You are independent and attractive if you feel you are - and that's what matters.
Walked On
February 23, 2007
Q. I have been walked-on in past relationships and I feel that it is affecting my ability to completely trust the woman that I am with now. I have known my girlfriend since I was 14 years old, 27 now, and we have been together now for several months. I love her very much and want to be able to let go of the issues of past relationships that are bothering me now. My ex wife cheated on me and got pregnant and told me that it was mine. We divorced a year later and I found out that I wasn't the father during the custody battle. I spent some time being single seeing what was out there. I met a girl and we dated for a year and then I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I was working out of town a lot and knew that she had male friends. She would go watch a movie here and there, and about 6 months after we were engaged, she told me that she had cheated on me. This is something that I refuse to even attempt to work out. Some more time went by and I found the woman that I am with now, and again I am working out of town mainly because of the area we live in where the work is scarce. She had gone out with her mom and one of her male friends and told me that she would call when she got home but she never called that night. Now, yesterday she had gone to her mom's store and said she would call when she got home, she didn't call until around 9:30 pm. She had said that one of her female friends had met her at the store and they went and got something to eat and then went out for a few drinks and that she would call me when she got home. Again, she didn't call because she got in at 2:00am. I know in my heart that she is not going to cheat on me, but I can't seem to get the comparison out of my head of me being out of town and her going out drinking to the relationship that I had with my ex-fiancée. I don't want to have these feelings in my head, I want to be able to completely trust her and know that she is doing the right thing and that she is going to be there when I get home on the weekends. I love this woman with all of my heart and I do not want to mess this up because I am having insecurities. How can I make these feelings go away?
A. You've already taken an important step in asking for help because that indicates a willingness to change and accept responsibility for your own feelings. Jealousy, suspicion and doubts are insidious and poisonous emotions that will corrode a relationship if allowed to run riot. We've all been hurt and let down, James, but we must rise above it or we are lost. If we trust and another betrays that trust, they have failed, not we. There's no shame in being vulnerable and sensitive. But the past is the past and you should not judge your current girlfriend on the ones who hurt you before. Have you tried counseling? It may help to put your feelings into perspective and allow you to move forward into a freer and brighter future.
Feeling Used
February 16, 2007
Q. I started seeing this guy when I was thirteen and it has been on and off again ever since then. We hadn't spoken for over 2 years and he texted me to tell me that he was going to Iraq, he's in the army. I wished him well, and left it at that. Six months later, I called the army barracks hoping for some information on him. Unfortunately, all I could do is leave my number. He called me and we talked for no longer then 3 minutes, I was upset that he didn't appear to care. About one and a half weeks later he started to text me, telling me that his feelings for me had never changed and that he was still in love with me. I still felt the same too, although we were both in other relationships. I'm 21 now and have thought of him everyday since I met him, he says he has done the same. He came to visit me for a little over two weeks, after which I broke up with my boyfriend and moved states so I could be with him. He has since had opportunity to break things off with his girlfriend as they fight a lot, but he always tries to make up with her. He has asked me to wait for him, and tells me that he doesn't want to be with her, he's just concerned that she will hurt herself, if he was to leave. I don't know what to do, it is really hard knowing that he is still with her, and I feel really used. I want to believe that he loves me and that everything he says to me is true, but I also don't want to be stupid. I have repeatedly asked him what's going on, and what he wants, but I never seem to get a proper answer. I have even told him that if things continue, I will leave and go home. He has begged me not to leave and says that he can't live without me. What can I do to find out what he wants, from me, and our relationship?
A. He may be trying to have his cake and eat it too. It is difficult breaking up with someone and he should be allowed to do it in his own way but the problem is that in the meantime, he's hurting you. In your position, I think I would refuse to see him until he finishes with the other girl, not to emotionally blackmail him but to get out of the way and let him do what he needs to. Do you think you could be strong enough for that? Funnily, it might hurt less to do that than go on as you are now. He may very well love you but at the very least, he's a bit weak and one of you needs to stand firm to make things better. You have been loyal and committed. It's time for me to come to the party. If you don't want to be used, don't be.
Why Don't I Want Sex?
February 9, 2007
Q. I am 23 and inexperienced with sex. I try to educate myself by going to websites like this and talking to my friends. I've had sex, but it was never pleasurable, I've never had an orgasm with, or without, a partner. I feel like I'm not attracted to anyone and without that attraction, I can't even get excited by the idea of sex. Now, I have opportunities for sex, and I'm torn whether I should use it for experience and exploration or wait until I find "the right person." I feel like I could be waiting forever, since I waited until I was 22 for my first kiss! Also I'm scared that when the "right person" comes along, my sexual inexperience will harm the relationship. So I want to take the time now to experiment in a safe environment. But is it just for nothing if I'm not in love? I wish I could want sex, and want the guys that want me back with the same intensity. I hate being in this limbo. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
A. I definitely think you should experiment unless you have moral or religious reasons for not doing so. There's really not one perfect "right" person in my view. I believe we can be compatible with a range of people, but how are you going to know what you really want in a partner if you just sit and wait for one in the future? The fact that you don't feel attraction could simply be because you're not experienced and your sexual feelings have yet to develop. By all means, gather information but sex is about feeling, doing, exploring; so make a start if you can. I'm not suggesting you just say "yes" to every guy who asks but at least, be open to offers, in particular with dating. Could I also suggest that you experiment with your own body? If you don't know what pleases and excites you, how can any lover do it for you? Practice touching yourself. It's perfectly natural and you might find your sexual interest will start to rise. If you still have difficulty reaching orgasm after you become sexually active, that's a separate matter. Right now, take the first step and DON'T WORRY SO MUCH.
Not Clicking
February 2, 2007
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and half now. About two months, he began talking of marriage and living together in a year. Then two weeks ago he began acting different. He kept saying that he needed some time apart. That we are not "clicking" like we used to. He always seems too busy to talk about anything that is going on. I know he has been under a lot of stress with his job and his sister getting married this past weekend. I just don't know if our relationship is over now or not. I love this fellow very much and I don't want to lose him, and from what his family and friends have told me, the feelings are mutual. What should I do?
A. These doubts are very common in the dating game. Either this guy is going through a personal crisis or he's met someone else and doesn't know how to tell you. I assume you've asked him to tell you but if he refuses to talk, you will have to be a little firmer about it. Tell him you'd rather know the truth. If he's going through something he can't discuss, give him the space he needs, but if he's fallen for someone else, you're better off cutting him loose to explore those feelings. You know what they say about loving something and letting it go - well, it's true. It sounds like he could be suffering from stress so do what you can to take pressure off him, suggest some books or courses. It could even be that he's becoming afraid of his feelings and fearing commitment. Whatever it is, get to the bottom of it soon.
Call Me - NOT!
January 26, 2007
Q. My ex calls and talks to me even when she has someone in bed with her. She denies it, but what's she doing? I know she is with someone else. Secondly, I can't figure out why she calls me and talks to me while there is possibly something going on or about to. Does she do this on purpose, is she evil, screwed up or what? It doesn't make sense. Of course she will deny to her dying breath she is with anyone, regardless of what I might suspect, but her calling and asking me how I am doing or what I am up to, it sounds crazy to me. If she cared she wouldn't call. If she didn't care she wouldn't call... help me out!
A. It almost sounds like she's taunting you. We all know how hard it is to let go after a break-up and often exes do call even when it is agreed that they won't. But to phone when you're physically with another person, whether making love or not, is definitely off. If you are completely over the relationship, why does she care if you know that she's seeing someone else? I'm afraid you're right - this girl is acting very oddly. I suggest you simply refuse to play the game with her. Just be unavailable until she gets the message. How can you be expected to move on with all this going on? You deserve to make a fresh start and even if she's still interested in you, I would let her get on with her life and stop trying to figure her out.
Sex Drive Issues
January 19, 2007
Q. I am a newlywed - I am 60 and he is 70. We have a problem. I have more sex drive than he, he has very little. What turns him on is when I have an orgasm but many times I do not orgasm without a vibrator. He works really hard but without getting much in the line of results. Can you recommend a source to help me orgasm more successfully? Thank you.
A. Partners often have different levels of libido, regardless of age. It's not actually a problem at all, though people turn it into one due to lack of true sexual knowledge. Sex is not just about orgasm and other physical pleasures. When you widen your ideas, you will see that you can have a rich and varied sex-life despite any differences that exist. Many women find it difficult to orgasm without a vibrator and of course it is stimulating for partners to share the climax. Can you achieve orgasm if he touches you? That would be the ideal solution. Or he could use a vibrator on you or employ oral sex? Have you tried making love with you on top as that often helps? The possibilities are endless, limited only by your imagination. So, get creative, have fun and most importantly, stop worrying; as that only builds anxiety which further kills a good sex-life.
Sex On The Mind
January 12, 2007
Q. Please help me. I don't know what else to do and have nowhere to turn. I have been with my partner for 5 years, living together for 4.5yrs and he is everything that I could have hoped for. Well I thought so until last year when I found numbers on his mobile that turned out to be for brothels and prostitutes. I confronted him but he said that he never actually visited these places, just the thrill of thinking "what if." I shouldn't have been snooping but I had a terrible gut feeling... which turned out to be right. The third time I caught him I threatened to leave him but he swore he would never call those numbers again. To my horror I found a number in his phone address book, listed under a fake name, that looked strange... I looked it up on the net and it turns out to be for a swingers club! I don't know what to do because I was the one snooping through his phone. I feel like I am dying inside. Please help me! Do I throw away 5 years or try and work things out? Please Help! I'm desperate!
A. In your position, I'd want to know why the guy feels the need for all these deviant diversions. It's natural and fine to be curious but it's pretty obvious that his interest is more than casual. It seems addictive and he clearly can't stop, despite his promises and fear of losing you. Certainly, it's worth fighting for the relationship but it can't be your
fight alone. The best thing is for your guy to seek professional help for his problem because you can't have an honest and healthy relationship until he comes to realize why he's addicted to sexual excesses, even if only in theory. If you stick with him, you might want to try zinging up your sex life a bit. Ask him what he'd like to explore and if it suits you as well, give it a whirl. Maybe he's just bored or stale in his own life.
Left Hanging
January 5, 2007
Q. When my boyfriend and I are together - he's 43 and I'm 26 -things work very well together. We laugh and have an excellent relationship. Yet he will call or come by and make plans to do something on another day, and not show up, call, or answer my phone calls to him. Several times I have needed him to be there for me, and he has just disappeared for days at a time. When he needs someone, he calls and asks me to be there for him, but he just won't return the favor. I like it when we are together, I would even go as far as saying that I'm starting to fall in love with him, but I don't know if I should see him anymore. It breaks my heart when he makes plans, but doesn't even call to let me know that he can't keep them. I've told him that he doesn't have to have a reason, just call and say that he can't be there. What should I do? I see great things for us, but it feels like I'm only there to occupy time when he can't find anything else to do. I wondered if the relationship was just a physical one, but we have spent many a night together without sex. He holds or touches me constantly when we are alone, and will affectionately touch and talk to me in public. (His job doesn't allow him to be affectionate in public when working, and it sometimes carries over until we have been out in public for a little bit.) What are your thoughts?
A. You could break off now and cut your losses or you could tell this guy in firm but loving terms that his behavior is not acceptable. Even between friends of family, it is a basic rule to cancel when you can't make a date, not just leave someone waiting. This shows a lack of respect and I hate to say, selfishness. As long as you put up with this, he will keep doing it - it's human nature. It's up to you to set your own boundaries and be assertive. If you're worried that your putting down ground rules will send him away, well, at least you'll know definitely where you stand. He could also have some commitment and intimacy issues. Sort all this out before you go any further.
What Went Wrong?
December 22, 2006
Q. I've been dating this guy and we started having sex in July. We used to do it almost every day, maybe twice a day, but that only lasted about a month.
Now, I have to beg him to have sex with me, we usually only have it once a week. He used to be all over me too, now he barely touches me, he doesn't hold my hand or kiss me or hug me unless we are saying goodbye. I have confronted him about it and he says it is because I am always around him and available. I just don't understand how someone can go from being all over a person to not touching them at all. He tells me that in the beginning he may have showed more affection than he usually does and he is sorry that he misled me. I don't understand. I thought guys wanted it all the time. I feel bad now even when I try and initiate it because I know I am going to be rejected. He has also downloaded some porn that he got off on but he won't use me. I am trying to distance myself to see if that works, but that is so hard for me. He says that I am becoming dependent on him, that's why he feels smothered. He is such an independent person. I have tried to give him more space by not staying at his house every night and going out with my friends, but I like spending time with him. It has only been four months. I don't understand what is wrong. He says he still likes me. I told him I love him once and he returned the words but that stopped really soon too. He never tells me that he loves me; I think it was too soon anyway. It was probably just infatuation, I am so confused. He went from this perfect guy who used to call me just to say "hi", and send me emails telling me he was happy I was in his life, and surprise me with flowers and do sweet things. Now, I'm lucky if he calls me at all when he says he will. I'm lucky to get a peck on the cheek. We should still be in our honeymoon stage, Please tell me what is going on here.
A. It is normal to be much more sexual in the early stages of a relationship and then for the sex to taper off. But 4 months is very soon for this to happen, so I agree with you there. I'm afraid that this guy might have just wanted the physical side of your relationship without any of the other responsibilities. Now that he's had 4 months of intense love-making, he's no longer interested. As you suggested yourself, maybe he only felt infatuation for you. I'm sorry to tell you that some people work like that. They only like the romance part, then they move on. Your boyfriend's behavior is a classic example of this. Please stop blaming yourself. You've done nothing wrong. If you don't want to be hurt any further, you do need to distance yourself and let this guy work out if he wants to continue with you or not. I think the bit about you smothering him is just an excuse, but it's a good idea not to be too available as a general rule.
Suffocating
December 15, 2006
Q. I was in one of your workshops on how to love again and since then I have been able to find a reason to give others a chance after being single for 10 years. I have been in a relationship with a man 9 years my junior (I am 30), and together we have been through a lot in the last 7 months. We were friends for more than a year before. He has been through many difficult situations with me, especially when I go through one of my self-harming episodes (I have mental health issues).
All this was great until about a week ago when he just told me that he doesn't know what he wants anymore, needs space and that he feels suffocated. He told me that he loves me still, but just doesn't know what he wants. I understand that we are both at different stages of life, and he has been such a huge part of my life all this time. My mental health condition has improved a lot over the months with his support, and this is one of the reasons why I am feeling so lost at this moment. We decided to do things differently this time round and give us one more shot, i.e. he has more time to himself, and I learn to be less dependent on him, etc. However, I am just finding it difficult to cope. I know that I have to let go and just enjoy the ride, but I find myself being wary of everything I do, say or react around him, scared that I will 'push' him over the edge again.
I really want to work this out with him, but I am really confused. I am afraid that all this 'fear' of losing him will eventually get to me and I might give up for the wrong reasons or that he would leave me for real. I really do love him. Somehow I just don't know how to stay in a balanced mode - not holding on so hard that he feels that I'm taking over his life, and be content with what I have got. What should I do?
A. Once we accept that relationships are for our growth as much as for all the other good things, we begin to behave quite differently. You are learning a huge life-lesson - how to love without possession, what I call 'loving with open arms.' It's only difficult and scary because of our belief-systems which you might recall from the workshop. I'm so glad you opened yourself to love after doing the class but love does not come programmed to our specifications. It cannot have conditions or strings. I don't think it's about your age-difference. I think it's that he cannot give you what you need. It's great that you're giving it another try and adjusting to a new set of circumstances. When it feels impossibly hard, remember that you are getting stronger and receiving a great gift, regardless of the future of this current relationship. If it ends, think of all the love and support you've already had. Loving and letting go are the same thing - it's all about trust. Good luck.
Part-Time Love
December 8, 2006
Q. My partner and I have been together - though not living together - for 3 years and we have been very happy. We have just come back from a big trip which was really good. I want more from the relationship and have addressed this with him. He doesn't want commitment at all, even though we are best friends; but we're not getting any younger. He usually stays at my place on weekends, it is convenient for him because of work and then he disappears to his house in the country. We have a good time on weekends but I want more - more security and support. Should I play a game with him and put a bit of distance between us hoping it will bring him into line or should I just hang in there?
A. This is such a common issue between couples, mainly because couples are made up of individuals who have separate needs and goals. Your current arrangement obviously suits the guy but not you. If you have been honest with him about your hopes and he says he doesn't want more, you need to decide whether it's enough. If it isn't, I suggest you move on and find someone in the same place as you, wanting a full-time relationship. Don't be afraid to let go of what you have in the fear that you won't get something better. You can. Otherwise, enjoy what you've got right now and focus on the good things like weekends and trips. Some people would say you have the ideal set-up!
Snooping
November 24, 2006
Q. I met my boyfriend two months ago and we clicked right away. He's been telling me lately that he really wants me and how I'm such a great person. But a week ago I did something really wrong; I looked at some pictures of ex-girlfriends and other personal stuff on his computer and he found about it, and he got hysterical and told me he would never forgive me and that he could never trust me again. Since that day, I've been calling him on his cell phone but he won't answer me or return my calls. I really don't know what to do.
A. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. If you've sincerely apologized, the ball is in his court now and he may not choose to forgive you. You may think he overreacted but privacy is very, very precious to some people. My feeling is that he now thinks of you as a jealous, suspicious person although you probably were just curious. The problem is you weren't together very long before this happened. If you'd been together a few more months or longer, he might have taken a calmer approach. If you don't get him back, please learn from this harsh experience - don't pry into another's past without permission. Ask, if you have questions, and build trust in a relationship.
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2006.)
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