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 Ask Aphrodite - 2006 (Jan-Jun)
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Hurry Up With The Grieving Already!
June 29, 2006
Q. I am interested in this man. His wife died about a year ago from an auto accident. I don't know if it's okay to talk to him. He hasn't talked to me yet. I was just thinking maybe it was due to her recent death and he isn't interested in anyone yet. Is there some kind of rule that you just don't get interested in someone after the loss of a spouse? Don't they wait, like, a year or couple of years? I don't know, maybe he isn't really interested in me. Maybe I'm just sending off the vibes that I should just leave him alone and let him work out his past.
A. Yes, there is a natural time of grieving after any bereavement, but especially that of a spouse. The amount of time required varies from person to person. Regardless of whether this man is interested in you or not, I doubt if he's in any position to pursue a relationship with anyone right now. And even if he did, it may be doomed to failure as he needs time to resolve his loss without any new emotional entanglements. If you really like him, you'll give him the necessary space for the moment. Of course you can talk to him, but just be a friend and then when he's ready, you'll be in with a chance.
Long-Distance Relationship
June 22, 2006
Q. I was hoping that you could help me out with some relationship difficulties. I have been dating somebody for over a year, and he is leaving for college 2 1/2 hours away this August. When we discussed having a long distance relationship, he seemed like he wanted to try it at first, but then changed his mind and said that he doesn't want to have to worry about my feelings and that he is not ready for a serious commitment. When I told him that I wanted to be there when he was ready, he told me that he had no comment to that, and that he wanted to "tone things down" so that when he goes to college, we'll be just friends. This is an extremely difficult process for me to go through, and I know that I should break up with him and move on with my life, but I want to somehow change his mind by being more carefree, laid back and fun to be with. Do you have any suggestions or help to make it hard for him to deny a long distance relationship when he leaves?
A. This guy is just being honest with you, so whether you like his feelings or not, try to respect them. If you want to wait for him, you should go ahead and do that - but without a guarantee. So many questions that are asked of me have to do with the subject of people's insecurities, yet trust is vital in any relationship. I think this guy is just wanting to experience freedom for a while as he's going away to school. Of course it's difficult but you'll gain a lot from this whole transition. Now, on another important point, your feelings are just as valid as his. You don't need to pretend to be cool about the separation if that's not genuine. You won't get him to change his mind by being something you're not. Be his friend by all means, date other guys, enjoy your life and let time take care of the future. You'll know if everything becomes clear, you're ready to move on.
Young And Nervous
June 15, 2006
Q. I'm 15 and I'm trying to ask a girl to be my girlfriend. My problem is that she's always with her friends and I never get any time alone with her and her friends keep on rushing me and then I can't say anything. I really like this girl a lot.
A. For a teenage boy, asking a girl out on a date in person is excruciatingly difficult, even without the friends egging you on. So, please don't feel inadequate or at fault. There's nothing wrong with you. Why not text her? That's the preferred mode of communication between teenagers these days and it's a lot easier to find the words when you're not standing right in front of her, tongue-tied. You'll need to get her phone number but that shouldn't be too hard. A creative approach is required. When you do text, try to be funny or cute so that she's more likely to reply. You might not get a date straightaway but it's a start. The success of the plan is going to hinge on whether she likes you (based on what she knows about you). Whatever happens, don't get down on yourself. You're very young and have lots of time. Good luck.
Affairs
June 8, 2006
Q. My wife and I have just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary. I was a sexually abused child while growing up and never dealt with those issues. In my time with my wife I had several affairs, not because I did not love my wife, it just happened. I love her so very much and this last year while serving in Iraq, I did a lot of soul searching and found that I want to be a better person. I did everything humanly possible to show her this, however it was not enough to stop her from having her first affair. At first she lied to me all the time about it, but through time I got the truth from her. I am now moving to a new assignment and want her to move with me so that we can work things out. She on the other hand is not sure she can leave this area and says she wants to figure out herself and what finally allowed her to go outside the marriage. She does not want a divorce only to separate while she soul-searches. I on the other hand feel that a legal separation is the wrong way to go. I feel we will both worry too much as to what the other is doing and we will both go crazy. I told her if she does not move with me, we just need to file for a divorce because if we did not, we were only prolonging the inevitable. Is a legal separation the way to go? Or am I right thinking that both of us would be so nervous about what the other is doing that it would only cause more strain on the marriage? Thank you for any advice you may give.
A. I think you are coming from insecurity in your assessment of the situation. Though you are part of a couple, you're also on an individual journey which means that your timing/needs/choices are not always going to be in tune with your wife's needs. That's basically what's happened to the two of you and I think a time-out is exactly what you need. A trial separation can be extremely positive for a couple in trouble. There's no need to worry whilst you're apart. You've proven that affairs are not only possible when you're not living together. This is the challenge for you right now - develop some trust, real trust that doesn't doubt or waver. If you want a marriage that lasts, let it go and be prepared to grow and change, not just when you're in control but when it's really, really difficult. That's where the gold is.
Porn Turn-Off
June 2, 2006
Q. I'm married to a man who thinks viewing pornography is completely normal and that, since I don't like viewing pornography, I'm a prude. I do not think I'm a prude - I enjoy sex very much, but I dislike pornography. I don't think one thing has anything to do with the other and I resent his attitude, which I see as manipulative.
My husband likes sex very much and talks about it constantly. It makes it difficult to carry on a conversation, since he's constantly talking about it. Sometimes this is a fun thing, since he's very attracted to me and very complimentary. Other times, it's hard to have a serious conversation, since he interrupts the conversation with blatantly sexual remarks or makes sexual overtures at, what I think are, inopportune times or times I'm completely occupied with something else that commands my attention. I have to add that we have several children, too, and they are often right in the next room or in the same room, but facing the other way (he either mouths the words, then, or jokingly exposes himself to me while they aren't looking). He's completely appropriate around the kids, but I know they've overheard things, since he isn't always aware of their wherabouts. My husband doesn't subscribe to any pornographic sites, but he often wants to view pornographic pictures. Almost every evening, without fail, before bed, he looks at pornography. He always wants to have sex with me and I would bet my life on it that he's never cheated on me or carried on an online affair or anything like that since he's been with me. However, I really find the whole pornography thing not just unexciting, I find it a turnoff. He gets rather angry that I find it a turnoff. I don't see how he can think viewing pictures of attractive naked women would excite me at all, and I can't see why he doesn't even UNDERSTAND why it might bother me that he does it. Nevertheless, I know he does it when I'm not around, and I ignore it. The problem arises when I AM around and he just starts doing it when I'm sitting right next to him! It's as if he thinks this time it might not bother me. And, when I show a complete lack of interest in it, he gets upset with me. I think it's really disrespectful of him to start doing this in front of me, knowing how I feel. I would like him to understand WHY some women dislike pornography, too, and WHY some women feel the way I do.
A. There are really two issues involved in your dilemma, but they're both related to the same thing - your husband's behaviour. From what you have told me, yes, he is addicted to sex. It's not the same as liking sex a lot. Addiction means that sex rules his life and he is obsessively preoccupied with it. Of course you're not a prude because you dislike pornography. The majority of women don't like it. But you might not find it quite as off-putting if he didn't talk about it constantly and try to force it on you. Even if his interest was stamp-collecting, I'd say the same thing. We can't expect our partners to share all our passions. If he enjoys porn and you don't mind as long as he does it on his own, fine; but basically, he needs to moderate. Certainly, he could start by cutting down on the verbalising about sex because that's where the whole cycle begins. I really think he needs to seek professional help to find out the source of this addiction as it will be very difficult just to decrease or stop otherwise. Meanwhile, continue to refuse to participate, but don't show obvious revulsion or distaste as I believe that's adding to his excitement.
Fantasies
May 25, 2006
Q. As I've grown older (I'm 52), I've noticed that I require more verbal stimulation during sex with my wife in order to orgasm. This stimulation usually takes the form of my wife describing in details her past sexual adventures or imagining (while I am in her) that I am the hunky waiter that served us at dinner. She will tell me how her past lovers were bigger and better than me or will call me by the waiter's name and tell him (me) how much bigger and better he is compared to her husband. Is this wrong to do?
A. You're basically talking about sexual fantasy/role-playing and there's nothing wrong with it at all; in fact, it's desirable and can enhance love-making no end. I'm not quite sure, however, why you say you need it more now you're older. Is it about lower libido or needing more stimulation, stale sex life or what? The key to all this is - how does your wife feel about it? If she's not as enthusiastic as you, it could be simply because this is a relatively new development. Involve her in the process, ask her what she would like and most importantly, keep sex fun - don't get too intense about this verbalizing. Do it when it feels right and enjoy yourself but don't use it as a cure-all.
Fear And Closure
May 18, 2006
Q. I recently suffered the loss of a relationship with a fantastic woman. What happened? She and I both had trust issues with each other. Hers were from abuse and lies from men in her past and she's bi-polar. Mine are based in insecurities of a failed marriage plus anger issues that I suffer from. My anger issues are from a reactionary nature that I've built up and have never dealt with. My ex considers me to be emotionally and verbally abusive. I could easily say she is the same but refuse to due to the fact that I am now aware of her condition. I have joined a co-dependent support group and have been working on my own personal issues as far as anger management is concerned. I am left to feel that I am responsible but I am fully aware that we both played a hand in the loss. We are no longer in contact with each other as during the break-up we both took our fears out on one another. I have not contacted her nor has she. I've learned that she is depressed and so am I. I understand the nature of love and loss but I feel a need to either re-connect with her or at the least find closure. What should I do? My family and friends suggest forgetting her and moving on, all the while saying awful things about her. I don't wish to hear these things. I've learned my lesson and want her to know that I am working on myself so that I can be a better partner in future relationships or if we were to reconnect. She truly loved me but now wants nothing to do with me. Should I cut my losses and move on or allow myself to continue to feel the push that I am receiving from the universe?
A. You should always follow your true instincts. The trick is being able to know the difference between intuition and self-delusion. It seems to me that you have learnt a lot about yourself and life through this recent adversity and certainly you have a lot more to offer now. By all means, approach your ex with this newfound knowledge but be prepared for a "no, thank you." She may have moved on or simply not feel able to resume the relationship. Whether you do or not, please remember you are each separately responsible for your own issues. You can't "fix" another person. Good luck with your continuing personal growth.
Trust
May 11, 2006
Q. How do I establish trust in a boyfriend who cheated in his previous relationship of five years? I want to spend my life with him and he feels the same way but I want trust in our relationship and just don't know how to get it.
A. You do it by letting the past stay in the past. It's good that your guy told you he was unfaithful before and yes, that was wrong, but we all make mistakes. Don't put anyone on a pedestal because for sure, they're going to fall down. In a close relationship, the most important thing is being real and staying real. This man was honest with you so trust that. The rest will only come with time. Trust takes time to build. If you're scared he'll be unfaithful to you as well, don't get married till you feel more confident. Just be careful that you don't let your insecurities spoil a potentially happy, permanent relationship.
Too Young?
May 4, 2006
Q. I'm 16 and my girlfriend is 15. We have been together for 2 months or so now and we decided to have sex. So we had sex but we got caught by her parents and this might sound really weird but I think we are in love. You might say we can't be in love because we're too young but I seriously think so. When her father found out we had sex, he flipped out and grounded her and told her to tell me never to come around again. I guess he thinks that I was using her or whatever, but that isn't the situation. I was wondering how to get her father to trust me again.
I hope you can help me.
A. I would never presume to tell anyone how they feel. All I would say is that you have plenty of time and should try to take things more slowly. That's very difficult for a teenager, I realize, but it would be helpful. It's not just about sex; it's also about feelings, responsibility, and the future. If you care a lot about someone, it's natural to want to make love to them so you didn't do anything wrong. You must understand though that parents wouldn't see it that way! Of course, they want to protect her, so don't take her father's attitude personally. The only way to convince him you're sincere is not to push but let time pass and the relationship to develop naturally. First love is magical so enjoy it, but don't run too far ahead.
Hormonal Confusion
April 27, 2006
Q. I suffer from a major hormonal imbalance through taking the pill. I have stopped the pill now and the anxiety, depression, nausea etc. hasn't gone at all. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 9 months now and I love him very much. At the moment I don't feel much though and this drives me crazy. I also had an affair with another guy before I met my boyfriend. I was madly in love with this guy but he went back to his ex-girlfriend even though he still slept with me occasionally as we kept in contact. When we met 3 months later for a drink, I told him that I now have a boyfriend. He got very jealous and wanted me to stay overnight and said he never had so much sex and thinks about me when he sleeps with his girlfriend. I told him to leave me alone as I'm in love with my boyfriend. I also put the friendship on hold but he emailed me from time to time. He also contacted me last month just to see how I am and if I want to meet up again (he is still together with his girlfriend). I told him that I don't want to meet him anymore and it wouldn't be fair to our partners. Due to this bad effect from the pill, I can't get him out of my head and I’m always comparing both of them in my mind. I don't know why this suddenly started again, I thought I was over him and just want to live with my boyfriend. I'm so confused. Are all my hormones messed up? What can I do to forget this other guy and just focus on my current life? Please help me.
A. First of all, don't try to make any life decisions while your hormones are mixed up. Hormones are closely linked to emotions and that's why you're feeling so confused. You may have gone off the pill but it takes a while for your body to adjust. My advice to you is to see a gynecologist and get your health stabilized as soon as possible. You'll probably find that once it happens, your life and relationships will sort themselves out quite quickly. In the meantime, I think you were completely right to end the arrangement with your ex as he has a girlfriend and you've moved on. Don't allow yourself to be used. Just focus on getting yourself well and being happy again.
Wherefore Art Thou Libido?
April 20, 2006
Q. I feel sexless at the moment. I am 25 and have 2 children. My partner and I used to have a very good sex life but over the last few months, I feel like I’ve lost my libido. I am slim and attractive and do not have personal body issues as such. What can I do to regain my libido? I do not want this issue to end up having negative effects on my relationship as I love my partner and my family.
A. First of all, don't blame yourself or feel guilty. There are many reasons for feeling “sexless” and it's usually only temporary unless you worry it to death and make it worse. You've eliminated some of the possible causes in your letter but the culprit is not always obvious; there are more subtle reasons. Have you been extra stressed over the past few months? How is your health? As this situation has only developed recently, it must be based on a new development. Think about what it could be. It may not be sexual at all. We're not machines - when we're not right in one area of life, it affects all the others. Ask your partner to be patient with you, enjoy the broader aspects of sex like touch, cuddling and closeness, and most off all, don't see this as a “problem”. Fix what you can, and let nature take its course.
Suffocated
April 13, 2006
Q. I've been with my guy for 2 months and it seems the cracks are starting to show. Early on he told me that he suffered from depression and was on medication. No problem, I thought... we went from having a great time... to now, he wants to spend every waking and sleeping moment with me and I feel suffocated. He's a great guy. And I really do like him, but at the moment he bursts into tears if I say I need some time to myself which I sometimes do. I'm a 33 year old woman and have been on my own for about 5 years. I'm not sure what to do. Last night I told him that I had been offered the opportunity to do some work experience in another state. This is something I've wanted for a long time, and he knew that. But instead of being happy for me, his response was a defensive, "Well, where does that leave us?" I just wanted him to be happy for me and supportive as I feel that I spend all our time together being supportive of him. We ended up arguing for hours, with him eventually in tears saying, "I'm an idiot, I screw everything up". Why can't it be about us/me for once! I'm not sure what to do. He still lives with his parents (he's 31) and says he's scared of leaving them as "his mother will be lonely". Help!
A. The best thing you could do is take the opportunity to work away for a while as it'll give you some distance from the situation. Basically, this guy has huge problems with dependency and is emotionally very insecure. Regardless of your feelings for him, you cannot "fix" him and if he's 31, it's not going to change by itself. The best thing you can do for him is suggest he get some professional help. If he does and learns to stand on his own two feet, there may be a chance for you in the future. Closeness is great but this level of emotional need is stifling. It won't make you happy.
Why Doesn't It Feel Good?
April 6, 2006
Q. I'm a 24 year old female who just lost her virginity with a man I've known for several years, whom I love and trust entirely. My concern is - how long should it take before it starts to feel good? While I finish up school, we are having a long distance relationship, so the sex is infrequent until we're together. He's completely gentle and patient, we do a lot of foreplay beforehand, and I know I just have to relax, and that every body needs its own time to adjust and get used to it, but I feel myself getting frustrated that it's not happening sooner. As well, due to sexual reservations I've had for my entire life, I really want to enjoy sex and celebrate my sexuality, but it's not happening. I feel angry sometimes. And resentful that I'm supposed to have sex. I have a group of wonderful friends that are very comfortable with their sexuality, and for reasons I can't explain, their sexual freedom bothers me. Like deep down I think they should be more reserved about it. I don't want to be this way, and I try to think through these times and tell myself that they are right and I am wrong, but yet my initial reaction is still the same. Again, I desperately want to enjoy my sexuality. And while I know my feelings about sex may always be slightly more conventional and traditional than other peoples, I still want to be able to embrace that part of myself. At the risk of sounding overdramatic - is there something wrong with me? I've never been abused at all, come from a loving, nurturing home, and was raised by a very liberated mother who has no qualms about sex at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and most certainly used!
A. First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. It would be a dull world if we were all exactly the same. Get out of the right/wrong thinking that's holding you back. It's fine to be conventional about sex; after all, it is a special connection between people that should never be taken for granted. Now, having started later than most, I think your impatience is understandable, but is working against you. Sex is a natural part of life and should never be forced. Read some books on the subject, especially Tantra which is a philosophy that sex should be experienced spiritually.
Understanding Abuse
March 30, 2006
Q. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. It was really awful. After I got away from that ex, months later, I began dating my current boyfriend, Dan. When we fight, he says awful things like: “no wonder Ryan hit you, you should have been beaten,” etc. Please, I need some way to express to him how serious abusive relationships are. He is really a good-hearted though naive person, and he really does not understand the impact of these things he says to me, and he does not understand what I've been through. While I don't ever expect him to really understand what I've been through, I need
him to understand why he can't say such things to me... even if he apologizes the next day and says he doesn't mean it. Please provide me with some advice on how to explain this to him...he really has a good soul, I know that for sure, I just know he doesn't understand the intensity of what I've been through and so he feels that he can use it as a force to argue with. Thank you.
A. You're right in saying that he can't be expected to understand what you've been through. People can be very cruel when angry but of course, that's no excuse. I'm sure he is a good person but what are his remarks saying about his attitude to relationships? There’s no way that anyone ever deserves to be abused, no matter how provoked their partners are. If your guy is not prepared to go to counseling with you, I suggest you get him a book specifically on the subject of abuse. Ask him to read it and then discuss the issues/ideas with you. If he refuses to even try, you will have to consider ending the relationship because it won't get better by itself and it will end up being as abusive for you as the last one. Not all abuse is physical, so stop the rot right now.
Size Concerns
March 23, 2006
Q. I'm 18 and my girlfriend is 17. Lately I've been feeling very, very insecure about my penis. I've always felt like maybe there was something small about it, but something - you could say traumatic - happened to me the other day. Jo, my girlfriend, and I went to an adult movie store, and in the toy section, we saw a penis pump. I took it as a joke and said, “hey, whaddya think?” Her answer was, "Come on, you don't need that, you're all the man I'll never need," and she hugged me. That's what she's always been telling me because I've always bitched about my insecurities. Anyway, the next day, she mentioned that she'd asked one of her friends about the pump. She said it worked... so hey... “nudge, nudge.” I know when she's being serious, and she definitely was. I was so offended, it wasn't funny. I died inside. She tried consoling me afterwards by saying that when we have sex, it's amazing and I take her to space and beyond... but maybe with the pump, it could be even better. Now, I don't think I'm the greatest lover of all time but I'm decent. She loves my oral, I know how to hit her G spot and we make very passionate love. When we're not making love, we're having passionate sex... our sex life I thought was very healthy, we know how to arouse each other very easily; we do it often, and... I just felt very comfortable. After this "unpleasantness”, I've been feeling very insecure. The idea of me and my girlfriend having sex usually turns me on at the wrong time, but now I can't even get aroused if I try. I don't know how to talk to her about this, she's not the best with words... I just need some advice or help on how to overcome this. Frankly, I just wish I could forget it, I don't see how I can move past this.
A. You'll overcome these feelings by taking responsibility for them and not making them about your girlfriend. You're both still very young and what she said was immature, but sex is exciting and relatively new with her. She probably just wants to experiment with different things like this pump. If you want to have a good sex life, you'll have to be a bit more open-minded and flexible, not take yourself so seriously. Good sex isn't just about how many times you do it or what positions you use and it certainly isn't all about penis size although men obviously think that! It's also about a sense of humor, fun and love. If you believe you and Jo have terrific sex, why are you so insecure? I think the real issue is that you are wondering if this girl has been honest with you all along about sex with you. Ask her if you must, but my advice would be to stop thinking about it so much, say nothing more about it and just keep enjoying sex. I'm not minimizing your feelings but you'll only make things worse by being so intense.
Waiting For Love
March 16, 2006
Q. I've been with my guy for 7 months now. He is 45 and I, 29. He has been with over 300 women (that does not bother me) and tells me that I have more of the characteristics that he wants in a woman for the long haul than any other woman he's been with. He's told me numerous other things, too, all that make me more special than the rest. Not only that, but our chemistry, beliefs, and pretty much everything between is just right, if not spectacular and extremely coherent. He has a 10 year old far away that he fights custody for (never been married) - long story - he just wants to be her dad, but the mom is a gold-digging crazy woman. Anyway, I've never felt quite like I do now where I just know this is the guy for me. I did the
day I met him. Problem is, I love him, but he does not love me and he told me it took him years to tell his ex he was in love with her. And now, he's looking to possibly make a career move away from the city we currently live in. How long is too long to wait for love? It feels like love, but for him, it isn't. Shouldn't a guy know by now if he loves me or not? Without love, can he move and still want me to go with him? I'll never ask - he has to ask me, but will he if he doesn't love me? I'm in deep but don't want to wait forever. I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but I can't keep loving him if he doesn't love me. How long should I wait?
A. At the risk of stating the obvious, this guy has deep commitment issues. By anyone's standards, 300 women is a large number of lovers even for a 45 year-old. I really feel he's scared of love and unable to give up his serial womanising. You may very well be the right woman for him but it's up to him to commit; otherwise, you could never be happy together. No-one can tell you whether or not to wait for him. Love is not something we can demand on our schedule. It has to be given freely. That's not to say that it can't grow but desire must first be present. The bottom line is that your guy must make up his mind one way or the other - the rest will work out if the motivation is right. In your shoes, I would let him go and see if the break makes things clearer for him. If he disappears, you'll have your answer. It's always better to know in the long-run.
Serial Cheater
March 9, 2006
Q. I’m not even sure how to start telling you about my husband cheating on me for the past 15 years. Each time he got caught, he would ask for my forgiveness and I forgave and forgot about it, then the same thing again, and again. I attempted suicide 2 years ago, but we have 2 kids and work together. I love my job, my kids, but I hate what he did to me. My husband loves to travel to Cuba and have sex with girls out there. In the beginning, he told me it was just animal instinct, but it gets worse. He started having phone conversations and email conversations all secretly done in his office which is next to mine. Stupid me thought it was just business calls since I don’t understand Spanish. My husband is 50, but in many cases, he acts and thinks like a teenager. I’m so tired of myself, I feel so stuck, I want to punish him this time so badly, but knowing we own our small business, our daily bread is riding on this one. I used to put on a brave act just to keep everything intact for everyone. But I’m not very courageous knowing deep down I should just leave. My husband controls the business, even though I play a tremendous part. I feel very threatened by my situation, I believe he knows that. He often asks me - what are you going to do? In fact all these years, I did nothing. He has got worse, rather than better. I don’t want to fix his problem, but mine. Please advise.
A. You clearly understand the problem within your marriage. The bottom line is your husband doesn't respect you. You are not an equal within your marriage. I'm glad that you see his problem is separate to yours. He has ego issues and is basically a serial womaniser. It's a cop-out to say it's "animal instinct". We are not just animals and if he's travelling to another country to have sex, it's premeditated, not spontaneous. You're also right to say that he's been getting away with it for so long that his behaviour has worsened. The simple answer is that you must stop him getting away with it anymore. Be more assertive, stand up for your rights within the marriage and insist he behave like a married man. Seek professional and/or legal help so you know what your options really are.
Grieving And Love
March 2, 2006
Q. My husband and I have been married for 23 years and we have 4 children, aged 24, 22, 19 and 14. Our 24 year old son was killed in Iraq in August of 2005. This has put, I believe, a strain on our lovemaking. We have not made love in months. We are happy together, but I don’t know if I can, or he can, get the romance back into our lives. Please tell me why this is going on.
A. I'm so sorry to hear of your immense loss. What's going on is called bereavement, which is a process that can take one year or 30 years. There are many symptoms, some obvious like sadness, and some more subtle like loss of sexual interest. It's all tied up with the fact that death, when it's so close, causes us to lose contact with our inner joy and we then lose enthusiasm for all the good things in life. Unfortunately, the only “cure” is time and trust. The most important thing is to hold onto the love between you that you know is there, though you might not be feeling it at present. Sex is important to a marriage, but love, even more so. Be patient for now and when the time is right, I'm sure everything will come back.
Where Is She?
February 23, 2006
Q. I'm 36, never married, no girlfriend or relationship longer than 2 months in the last 10 years. I had a girlfriend that I lived with for 5 years who I got pregnant and I was in love with her. I wanted to marry her but she broke up with me and got an abortion. That devasted me for a long while but I've been over it for 5 years. The only person I can even call a "girlfriend" since then was a short sex fling. I went for a four year period without sex with a female and I even tried experimenting with guys because I figured I must be gay since I seem to repel most women but I found I'm not gay and have any desire to be with a man. I just want a woman and I feel time speeding up for me and feel like it may never happen. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares me. I'm such a loving guy behind my somewhat dry and quirky personality. Why is it so darn hard to get a woman? I mean, what the heck do they want? My friends think I am too nice, that I need to treat women like trash and that is the key to getting women. I don't want a woman that gets more attracted to a man that treats her like trash. I have gone out on some dates, don't get me wrong, but it never turns into anything. I am also sick of women asking me if I've been with a man (although I kind of experimented) on the first or second date and when I say "no" and ask them if they have ever been with a woman, their response is usually "yes". Why is ok for women to have messed around with other women and they wear it like some badge of honor and yet there are a lot of men who have messed around with other men and if they are honest about it, are criticised?
A. You sound understandably angry and fed-up but unfortunately, that energy is going to prevent you meeting someone nice. No matter how many difficulties you've had in meeting women, you must NEVER give up. It's as simple as that. The key is to lose the desperation because if you're over-eager, you'll put women off. Love cannot be obtained on demand but there is always enough time for everything so don't let impatience be a factor. I completely disagree that all women want `bad boys' - yes, they are attractive in a dangerous kind of way but more power to you for saying you don't want a woman who expects to be treated badly. I'm sure you're sick of waiting but please try to maintain your trust as it's usually when we relax into life's challenges that they surprise us with something wonderful. Attitude is everything. The whole gay issue is a non-event. Experimenting is fine but it's no-one
else's business and you should never be judged for it.
Control Issue
February 16, 2006
Q. I enjoy reading your column and admire the solid and straight forward advice you give so many people. I know this email is long, but I would greatly appreciate any advice or view on my situation. I am a single 34 year old woman that is romantically challenged (with a sense of humor). Last year I dated a man I will call "Jim" for 6 months. In the beginning, I approached the relationship slowly as he was a great guy and we had a lot in common, although I wasn't at first attracted to him. I wanted to give the relationship a chance. I was also cautious because I had dated several guys that would most generally be labeled the "bad boy type." I had my heart broken and built up some trust issues with men. The one thing I have learned about myself over time is that I am a commitment phobe. That is why I have dated the unattainable guys for so long.
Jim appeared to fall hard and fast for me in the beginning and that sort of made me feel uncomfortable. We met 3 days before Valentine's day and he spoiled me with gifts on the big day. Eventually we started seeing each other regularly and spending weekends together. The times we spent together were always fun and we never fought once. We discussed our personal goals in life and dreams. He wanted to have a family and retire in life early. I finally started to let my guard down and become more at ease with our relationship in the 5th month and becoming more trusting and secure of our growing relationship. Some cracks started to appear after that. We were both working stressful jobs and long hours that were wearing us both down. He had an incredible amount of pressure at work and decided to take some time off to think about changing jobs locally and went back home to visit his friends. The day before he left on his trip, he took me to see a couple of houses that he was interested in and to get my opinion of them. Then somehow during his two week trip, his friends back home convinced him to move back there. His reasoning was the cost of living was cheaper, he could buy a better house and he missed his friends.
Also, one of his friend's younger sister (Gina) did a spin on him and convinced him that the stress he was under at work and all was taking a toll on him physically and mentally and he would be better off moving back home. Gina clearly had motives as she was recently dumped by her boyfriend who left town and she had a baby a month before Jim arrived for vacation. She's young and knows Jim is financially secure. I pointed this all out to him, as any woman could read that whole picture of Gina's scheme clearly. Jim has stated that Gina is a friend and "although she was attractive, she had several major issues/problems." He said he has known her for a long time and had no intentions of developing a relationship with her other then being her friend. He also reassured me that even though she was playing a country song "Wrong Girl" one afternoon several times, that she wouldn't dare talk bad about me. That he had said to many good things about me to her. The night Jim came home from the vacation, we caught each other online and it eventually came out that while he was away, he had applied for a job back home and was thinking about moving back. I was shocked and hurt. After much discussion, I told him if that was going to make him happy then that's what he needed to do.
I think he was shocked at how well (he assumed) I was handling it. I never let on how upset I was about it. Even though I had tried convincing him to stay a while longer, but I knew he wouldn't be happy and I let him go. We basically did not have much contact after that night. I went from shocked, heart -broken to angry. Meanwhile I was completely exasperated from the stress at work, long hours and him and finally decided to take a breather and move to another state temporarily to clear my mind and be around family. A couple of months ago, Jim started to contact me again with short emails stating that he misses me, called a couple of times and now started to use the same internet messenger service as I again. I can hear the nervousness in his voice when he's called. He sent me a text message on New Year's Eve at midnight. He also quit the company he went to work for . But then the other day he was showing me pictures online of his new house and the city he lives in, mentioning he would "love to show me around if I was to come out that way." He seems to be dropping a lot of hints, but is too scared and cowardly to come out and just say he wants to be with me. He was married once when he was younger, but I don't think that is an issue with him.
The last piece of the puzzle is, when we were dating around the 3rd month or so, Jim stated he was unsure of his feelings for me. He didn't want to end the relationship when I gave him the choice, but he stated that we needed to "spend more time together." He stated that normally he knew right off that he was in love with someone. That was confusing to me and even to my friends who were envious of how doting and affectionate he was toward me. He was always touching me or standing close to me. So what gives??? I don't understand him. I don't think he understands himself. I do miss the times we spent together as we always had fun and were laughing. I wish it could have worked out for us. One of my male friends described it as a "control" issue with men and it is all about the chase for them. Your view of this situation and any advice you have would be helpful. I'm almost at a point as to give up on men altogether and to just adopt a couple of dogs that would give unconditional love for sure. :-)
A. Each of us has a relationship pattern and most people don't work it out till later in life and usually after a number of heartbreaks. It's good that you seem to understand better now. The problem between you and `Jim' is basically that you have both got separate issues that need resolution and they're in conflict. Neither of you seems very committed or sure or willing to risk. His ambivalence hurt you but it has come from you as well. Then when one is keen again, the other backs off! You still chose an unattainable guy so my suggestion to you is to work on trust, breaking your pattern and not giving in to confusion. Be strong in your own right and resolve to find a man who is also. Jim's friends are not the issue and also, you only dated for 6 months. I know you feel you did everything right but in the future, by all means take the measure of the man before giving your heart but don't be so guarded that you expect to be let down or you will! People are capable of unconditional love too.
Problems On The Pill
February 9, 2006
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. I love him to death. I wanted to be friends but I want him as my boyfriend too. I don't care anymore about anything. I want to give up on school and everything. I am just depressed. It all started when I got on birth control. I don't know what to do. I just started to get mixed feelings and it's making me really depressed. Could this be the pill? I am really thinking about stopping the pill because it's making me all stressed out where I cry and cry all day. Please tell me what to do.. I don't want to lose him, no matter what. Thanks so much.
A. There seems little doubt that your current distress is being caused by the Pill. Your body is obviously out of hormonal balance which causes emotions to go haywire as well. There are many different brands so there's no need to continue suffering. Just explain your reactions to your doctor and get it sorted out. Don't do anything whilst you're feeling like this because you can't expect to make wise choices when your hormones are raging like this. You sound quite young so there's no need to make firm decisions about relationshiips yet. Ask your boyfriend for patience right now and wait till you feel "normal" again and then see how you feel.
Is He The One?
February 2, 2006
Q. I have been engaged to a wonderful man for over a year now. We are to be married in Nov. 06'. We have been dating for about three years. Recently we moved to get away from family issues (his overbearing mother) and friends that were not supportive of us. I am currently spending too much time questioning our relationship and not enough time living it. I don't know what to do. We are going to go to couples counseling soon. My main concern is that I lost my virginity to this man and our sex life is not up to par, mainly because of the communication issues we have had and the struggles we endured while living near his family and friends. He says that he wants to change some negative behaviors he has and he is going to work on his issues but I am nervous about making plans for marriage and getting married. I love him but I also have noticed less of an attraction towards him. How do I know that he is the one? I thought I knew but now I am questioning everything... Any advice you can give me would be truly appreciated!
A. Questioning is healthy as long as it's not obessive or excessive. If you let doubts overpower you, you will get very confused and unhappy. My suggestion to you is that you examine your true reasons for wanting to get married and ask yourself why the sex isn't good. The outside problems obviously affected you but now that they've died off, why haven't you regained the intimacy of a loving relationship? Marriage is too serious a business to enter into lightly. I commend your choice to get couples' counselling. This is often more crucial before marriage than after. If you find yourself unable to fulfil your commitment, be brave and honest and end the relationship - far better some pain now than divorce later.
Trust and Jealousy
January 26, 2006
Q. I am currently living with a man I have known for 3 years. I started working for him and we became friends, doing things together and after 5 months, we became a couple. The start of this relationship was not a very honest one. I was living with someone at the time and never told him - I told him the night we went for our 1st dinner date and knew it would lead to more. He told me - the next day - that he had herpes. I do not carry the herpes infection. We moved in together approximately 1 year after meeting. It has been good and bad. I have a problem and it seems with trust. We tend to both be emotionally immature - although he would flatly deny that. I had a hard time in the beginning with his staring at women. He would turn around to watch them. This has improved and he does not do this. However, I am having a problem since going through menopause and feeling not attractive. He looks at women who are attractive and don't look anything like me. I tell him about this and he says he looks at all people. While, yes, he does do this, he also makes a point of looking longer at the tall, thin ones, even when we are in a discussion. He does have an attention problem but this seems very disrespectful to me. Is it possible for a man to be in a relationship with one type of women and find a completely different type attractive? Also, he believes I am the one who needs therapy but I hear nothing about acceptance of his part in all this. Perhaps he doesn't have a part? I do constantly grill him about who he is looking at and if he finds her attractive. At some point, I guess, this borders on emotional abuse. There is another factor in our relationship that is difficult. I am a homeowner and I would have to sell my home if we were to break up. Last night we had a huge fight and he proceeded to tell me that he had a hard time trusting anyone, I said, `If you can't trust me, how can you have love for me?' He said, `I guess I don't.' I am sure I was badgering him about something then he said I just wanted him for his paycheck! At that point I was very hurt (I should say we had been drinking a little with dinner) because I had suggested that we should combine real estate and he could retire and I could still work, even part-time. I left the house thinking it was over and I was better off without him. As I lay in the hotel room, I missed him and when I went home the next morning, his stuff was gone. I immediately went to his office and told him this could not happen and we should try to work things out. He is back. Funny thing, he took all his personal stuff but left the business papers on the table. He wants me to seek therapy for my jealousy. He does not know this but I was seeking therapy, for myself, at the counseling centre where I live, just for me.
A. You don't really ask a question so I will just comment on your situation. I'm glad you're having therapy, not because you're the only one with an issue but because each one of us is responsible for our own feelings and behaviours. It's important that you understand your role in this relationship whether he chooses to have counselling himself or not. From what you say, you do seem to have problems with trust and jealousy, and this stems from insecurity. Of course it's possible to love someone and still find others attractive. Looking is natural for both sexes; as long as your partner doesn't do more than look, you needn't feel threatened, and if you do, there's little point in putting pressure on your partner over it. It seems that you set each other off and it will take a lot of compromising, love and patience to improve things between you but if you're seeking a counsellor, you've made a good start.
Stage Fright
January 19, 2006
Q. I am 42 years old and my wife is 39. This is not the first marriage for either of us. My wife and I have been together about nine years and married for about three of them. We have two sons who are 4 and 6 years old and weekend visitation with my daughter from my first marriage who is 10. Since the time our second son came along, our love life has not really recovered fully. Currently we have extra stress from finances, divorce politics from my ex-wife about visitation with my daughter, my parents both got cancer, her mom had open heart surgery, etc. We have a very loving and trusting relationship, but there is a very frustrating issue with our sex life. Understandably she needed much less sex from me for a while after our second son was born. I tried to give her space, but still had a strong sex drive which she refused to fulfill. Now she wants sex from me and I am experiencing some difficulty getting it up. It takes longer than before, and does not happen at all if she or I am impatient about it. I explain to her that this is not her problem. She has grown impatient with the foreplay that I use to become aroused and to stop thinking too much. I love her very much, but when she showed up last weekend after going out with her friends, she was drunk and kissing a strange man goodnight with great enthusiasm instead of kissing me hello. At least she did not go home with him and have sex. I know she is impatient with my current issue, but I don't need one more thing to worry about. What should I do?
A. Sexual issues often cause discord between marriage partners and it's mainly because we forget that we are not machines but changeable, imperfect human beings. This is particularly relevant when there are many external stresses affecting you. It's quite common for women to lose libido after childbirth and it's also normal for men to experience sexual dysfunction when relationship conflict intrudes, especially after a prolonged period. Isn't it just a test of love and patience? The two of you need to get back to friendship, tenderness and fun. If you do that, passion is more likely to return. Try to find other things you can do to engender intimacy and let your love lead the way.
Just Messing Around
January 12, 2006
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. Recently I revealed to him that I had messed around with my best friend of 8 years. We messed around about 4 years ago. My boyfriend was very upset because of how close me and my friend are, and in many ways I think he is a little insecure about our bond plus the fact that we have messed around. He has tried to be okay with the situation but everytime I hang out with my friend he becomes very upset. He asked me if I would stop hanging out with him, which is the problem we are now facing. To me, when I think about my friend, I see a 8 year friendship, not someone I messed around with. But he sees it the opposite way. He says that if he feels uncomfortable with the situation that my friend should understand and respect that. I love my boyfriend to death, but I am having a very hard time with the thought of having to give up my friend for him. He has told me that it is not a trust thing, because he feels that me and my friend would not be involved sexually again. So to him its more about him feeling uncomfortable and disrespected about the whole situation. I am just really confused right
now and am dealing with anger, hurt, confusion, and many other emotions. Is it wrong to stop hanging out with a friend if your boyfriend truly cannot feel comfortable with the situation? If I decide to do that, should my friend understand or is it more likely that I will lose the friendship forever?
A. I'm wondering how your guy found out about the `messing around.' If you told him yourself, that was a true case of letting the cat out of the bag! Anyway, he knows now so you'll have to deal with it. 4 years is a long time and quite obviously, this was a one-off occurrence so I'm glad your boyfriend realises it's not a trust issue. His feeling uncomfortable is also understandable but his
feelings belong to him and are not your responsibility, even if you are the source of them. I always counsel that no-one has the right to tell us who we can be friends with so I'd have to say no, you shouldn't give up your friend. If you stopped spending time with him, surely the relationship will just fizzle out and you will lose it altogether. If you're sure you only have friendship for him, stick to your guns and tell your boyfriend you intend to keep up the contact. Hopefully, he'll respect you for this and in time, will put the whole episode into the past where it belongs.
Affairs And Trust
January 5, 2006
Q. I am desperate to save my long term relationship. I have been seeing this guy for the past 9 years, I love him dearly and we have been discussing to get married for years and we finally got engaged a year ago. Unfortunately I cheated on him with another guy, it started as a normal friendship but I was drawn to him after knowing him. He says he'll never stop loving me that I'm so special and he wished I could be all his. Anyway I ended that other relationship after 6 months of being in it, I felt guilty everytime I was with that other guy... Four months later, a girl told my fiance everything, lies and truth, at first I hesitated and said I didn't do it, but he kept on insisting and I had to come clean.. that yes I did it, I'm sorry, I didn't love the guy and I never intended for it to happen.. his heart broke right there, he took back his ring, and he hasn't been able to forget... I moved in with him right after the incident, and we have been living together for two months now. He keeps on reminding me about what I did almost everyday. He was a very sweet guy but now he is so abusive, he has hit me twice and verbally abusing me almost every night, yetll when I want to leave, he doesn't want me to go, telling me that if I go, it means I have decided to end it, he told me he still loves me, but he is not sure of anything right now, other than he wants me to stay in his house, he says a small part of him wants to forgive me, but the pain is unbearable, so he is confused. He says he hates it when he is not able to trust me, he told me he'll never hit me again, he'd rather lose me. I want to save this relationship so bad, I love this man a lot, but I can do that if only I know he is willing to do so, he has accused me of not being patient with the situation, but it's just that sometimes I find myself so drained out that I cant take it anymore. Do you think there's anything to hold onto in this relationship? If not, how do I go about ending it?
A. The reason you feel drained is because you're trying to sort the situation out quickly and have a guarantee of forgiveness and happy-ever-after. Relationships don't work that way, I'm afraid - human beings are more complicated than that. So, on this, I have to agree with him - you are being a bit impatient. You know you did the wrong thing so now, you have to wait for trust to be rebuilt. Your guy is very hurt, confused and afraid and all that takes time to heal. However, abuse of all kinds is OUT! He has the right to be angry but not to behave badly, and you mustn't take it. Be committed, by all means, but refuse to take anymore physical or emotional punishment. Give things time, don't pressure and most of all, keep the lines of communication open.
(Click here to view the Ask Aphrodite Q & A from 2005.)
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