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Ask Aphrodite - 2004 
Bring your love life back to life! Counsellor Charmaine Saunders is available to help with advice on relationship matters and issues affecting your love life. You can email Charmaine and each week she'll answer reader's questions on this page. Please note that Charmaine can't respond to all emails personally and she cannot advise on medical matters.
(This an archived page. Click here to view the current Ask Aphrodite page.)
Bad Boys, Good Boys
December 15 2004
Q. I met my fiance in the 10th grade of high school. He proposed in but. I met a young man 2 years older than myself at a outing the same year. My fiance is my best friend first, but we have differences. I was raised strictly in a religion and by all means, I am no angel. I have high standards and good morals but sex, having it and the spiritual struggle of constantly trying to train myself not to want it and be satisfactory to my fiance has been an issue. Back and forth I go with sex on then off.. But here's where the story gets juicy. The guy I mentioned earlier that I met the year my fiance proposed-well, in the outing (weeklong camp) that we were at, instantly we were hot and steamy. I totally ache for him sexually and though it's been 4 years since I met him, we see each other every 6 months or so and it's hot and hotter. He came to find me and we finally had to have sex because the sexual tension between us from the almost 2 years of not seeing each other took over! He declared his love for me, knowing that I was engaged and was always trying to stop having sex with my fiance for religious purposes. Since that steamy year, we have seen each other every 6 months. Because I'm engaged and I refuse to enter a full-on affair, just to kiss and make out, touch but sex behavior still takes place. That has passed somewhat but the intensity of him and I is still there and now we have declared our love for one another and I am still with my fiance-although we're not engaged anymore because as the years went by, I began to feel guilty and not so close to him. I stopped kissing him and when we touched, I jumped and quivered from dislike and was unable to control it. Now my engagement is off and I told the 2nd guy that I don't think I will be with my fiance within the next 5 months (not knowing we were about to break up because he shortly beat me and attacked me because he had a bad day at work). He said he was happy and couldn't deny being so. Okay, so was my boyfriend jumping on me for sexual satisfaction or does he genuinely like me? This is my question.
A. I don't think you're going to get your life sorted out or your relationships straight until you decide what you really want. I'm all for living by high standards and if you're religious, of course you don't want to do things that go against your moral code but the fact that you couldn't stop making love with the other guy tells me you have normal sexual needs but you're afraid of them because of guilt and shame. It's possible that you really didn't want your fiance in that way because you were able to resist having relations with him but not the other guy. By not sorting out all these mixed emotions, you ended up living a double life and now losing your fiance altogether. Okay, maybe that was best if he wasn't the one you ultimately wanted and if he was violent towards you but you're now left with a situation you seem equally ambivalent about. It's obviuous that you have a very strong sexual attraction but you know it takes more than that to develop a relationship. You need to get over thinking that sex is `animal-like' behaviour or you'll never be able to sustain anything good. Establish what YOU want, work towards that goal and don't worry so much about what this guy wants or your family thinks. `To thine own self be true' - this is as true today as when Skakespeare said it centuries ago.
Mother-in-Law Blues
December 8 2004
Q. I've only been married a few months but already, I can feel the presence of the problem. This is not a typical mother-in-law matter as I like her well enough as a person but I'm feeling a bit caught in the middle. He complains to me all the time that she wants him to be more honest with her. I tell him to be more assertive but he says it’s very hard after a lifetime’s pattern of just giving in. When he does stand his ground, I'm sure she thinks I'm responsible for his new-found attitude. Maybe marriage has just given him the courage to stand up more for himself but I feel that he and I are just starting out and I don’t want this cloud over our lives. What can I do, if anything?
A. Your letter indicates a very mature and balanced person. I don’t think this problem is yours at all yet you’re caught up in it. What you have advised your husband to do is absolutely correct but you can’t make him do it if he’s not ready yet. He will stand up to his mother when time to do is absolutely correct but you can’t make him do it if he’s not ready yet. He will stand up to his mother when time is right and in the meantime, you can only stay out of it as much as possible. Don’t let any of this sour your relationship with your husband and spoil your marriage. Be honest without actually taking sides. You are a new factor in this long-standing problem and it’s easy to get the blame if the plan backfires. Just concentrate on your new marriage and let them sort the rest out themselves.
Lesbian Sexuality
December 1 2004
Q. I am nearly 27 years old, a lesbian, African-American, a mother of a 6 year old son, and an incest survivor. I am very attracted to my girlfriend, but I find it very difficult to get past the "emotional"stuff to be spontaneous in lovemaking. It is frustrating for me because I want to want to. And I have a wonderfully supportive lover who gets impatient at times. I almost have to separate myself from my body to 'perform' sexually. It is usually an act at first, although I intensely enjoy our sex. How do I develop a healthy guilt-free view of sexuality, and expression of that sexuality?
A. Sexual abuse survivors have a range of issues they can fall prey to. The inability to relax and enjoy sex is one of the more obvious ones. So, please understand this and be gentle with yourself. You clearly know that the physical and emotional sides of sexuality are different yet the line between can be very fine. I need to ask if you have ever received counselling beause I would say, if not, this is an essential step for you at your age now. You are heading into your peak years as a woman and you have every right to blossom freely and be complete. Try to get hold of the book, `The Courage to Heal' by Ellen Davis as it will explain some of the effects on your life from your childhood experiences. Ditto for `You Can Heal Your Life' by Louise Hay and there's also my book, `Women and Stress'. Get reading then reach out for a therapist when you're ready. Meanwhile, ask your partner for patience as her attitude will make a big difference to your healing.
Should I Leave?
November 25 2004
Q. I have a difficult decision to make. I cannot decide if legal separation would be best for me. I love my husband but am not in love with him anymore. We have 3 kids, all under 10 years of age and I want to leave but don't want to leave the bills and the house all up to him. That is not fair either. What should I do? He is a nice guy, that is what is so hard.
A. This is a case where you have to think of your priorities. At this time in your life, what is most important to you? You need to ask yourself if you are perhaps just tired and discouraged at this point and could regret any hasty decisions. If you swap your current life for some other possible excitement, it might prove to be a temporary solution down the track. Are you by any chance in your 30s? What you are experiencing is a common process for women. It's normal to fall `out of love' after a number of years married. Why don't you consider having a short unofficial separation right now and give yourself to think carefully about your long-term goals?
Hysterectomy & Male Size
November 17 2004
Q. I am 39 and I had a hysterectomy and lost my uterus. I have a mate who is getting frustrated that there is no friction there anymore. He tells me that I am bigger than his penis. I have no idea what can be done about this. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks.
A. Firstly there should be absolutely no difference sexually after a woman has had her uterus removed. I think your man is being very insensitive and perhaps imagining this problem. Have you had children? Childbirth is much more likely to cause a widening and slackening of a woman's vagina. Anyway, there are things you can do. Firstly, pelvic exercises to tighten up that area; secondly, if you're really worried, consult a specialist about a procedure where you can be sewn up slightly. The doctor can also advise you on suitable exercises. Meanwhile, tell your guy there's more to love-making than size and physical features.
No Time For Love
November 10 2004
Q. I am 22 years old, my boyfriend is 21 and we have a 3 year old daughter together. We have been together for 4 years, broke up once. I was on the pill, got pregnant and after I had her, I was on the Depo shot for 2 years and now currently on the Nuvaring. I don't know if my libido is down because I never have sex. Even though I do want to, I rarely do. I do go to college full time, work 30 hours a week, am a mom, and do the cleaning of the house. Most of the time I am too tired. But my boyfriend never tries to have sex with me because he says he has simply given up. I told him that I would like to have him try, but he won't. I do try to have sex with him, but a lot of times he makes up excuses, and then still complains we never have sex and is going to "explode." Any advice?
A. First of all, you are never responsible for someone else's sexual needs or satisfaction. You have to improve your lifestyle in general which includes a healthier attitude towards sex and your boyfriend has to grow up and stop whining about what he's not getting. Certainly I understand that he feels pushed away and has given up. But if you both give up, how are you going to ever reconnect? Here's what I recommend - get yourself fit and relaxed again. If you think the drugs are inhibiting your libido, ask the doctor to try another brand or dosage. But libido is not all that sex is about. Get close, have fun together, laugh, give each other a massage, dance - you'll soon feel `sexy' again. It's totally natural for you to feel tired with all your responsibilities but you need to make yourself and your personal life more of a priority. When you're feeling better, you'll be more cheerful and in turn, your partner will respond to you more positively. At present you're both looking to the other to make things right - no wonder nothing's happening! Take the plunge, make a start an I'm sure the ripples will spread and grow. Right now, you're only existing - get back to life!
Orgasm & Libido
November 1 2004
Q. I am a 47 year old married woman with a 3 children. Our problem is that it seems very difficult for me to have orgasms via intercourse for the last 15 years. I started taking Avlimil for decreased libido and it does seem to have helped my desire, however my husband's sex drive has always been accentuated by my orgasms. I am perimenopausal with a normal testosterone level. Have you any suggestions or any comments as to why I might be having such difficulty? My husband believes that I have developed some inhibitions. If that is the case, would you have any suggestions regarding how to lose them?
A. You're really dealing with two issues - orgasms and libido. They are related, of course, but they're not the same. You can have one without the other. Let's look at each separately. At your age and having beemn married a good while, it's quite normal to lose some sexual interest and feelings. This is your responsibility but you can ask for your husband's support. Both of you need to put back some freshness, fun and romance into your relationship. A short holiday away on your own would be just the ticket if you can manage it. Regarding orgasms, if you have had difficulty in this area for 15 years, unfortunately you've established some bad habits. Your mind and body probably no longer expect to climax so you need to change that first. Read Dr Viv Cass's book, `The elusive orgasm' for tips and helpful suggestions. You may very well have built up inhibitions and only time, patience and practice can change this. The main thing is not to be negative and anxious because that creates pressure which will increase the problem. Of course your husband gets turned on by your orgasms but tell him you want them for yourself, not him! Sex is meant to be fun, not a chore so relax and let nature take its course.
Hysterectomy
October 24 2004
Q. I am 32 years old and had a complete hysterectomy when I was 30. I had severe endometriosis and had 7 laproscopic surgeries prior hysto. My problem is that I've been on several different brands of HRT and still have NO sex drive. This is a major concern for me because my husband is very sexual. I've tried everything and still nothing. I've talked with my OBGYN at great length and he said to be patient, something's bound to work. I am very sensitive to any peanut based products, so it's basically been trial and error. I would really like to know what to say to my husband to help him understand my frustration. If you can shed any light, please do so.
A. I am so sorry you had to have such a severe operation so young. I had a partial hysterectomny when I was 23 so I know how traumatising this is. Patience is the keyword as your body and emotions need time to heal and adjust. There are two key suggestions I can make for you in the meantime. Firstly, don't think of sex in terms of love-making with your husband. Instead, think of it as time shared. I'm not saying give in to intercourse just to please him but you can pleasure him in other ways, e.g. massage or oral sex, so he doesn't feel left out or rejected. Secondly, broaden your ideas about intimacy in general and encourage your partner to do the same. Intercourse is only one way to have sex. Enjoy each other's bodies and touch, laugh, play, talk etc - show your love in a hundred small ways. A lot of people equate sex with love and when one is missing, they feel the other must be too. Assure your husband you love him, be tender with him and ask for his patience. I think ultimately this will draw you closer rather than tear you apart. Good luck.
Passion Missing
October 17 2004
Q. I am totally confused about my marriage. I've been married for 16 years, with no children. We have not been physically intimate for about five years now. We have become like good roommates. Recently, I even met a man to whom I feel strongly attracted to. And yet, both my husband and I seem to have strong resistance to divorce itself, and it is very hard for us to even talk about it. So we stay together as roommates, and we do care about each other very much. I value the stability and security that "being married" affords me, and we are comfortable having each other as a companion. I suppose I could say I love him but I am not in love with him anymore.The part of me which loves him wants to stay in marriage, but the part of me which is not in love with him wants to be free from this marriage. The problem is I really don't know which part of me I should listen to. How can I get clarity about what I should do about this situation?
A. This is a very common situation and most people simply leave it unaddressed over time. It is to your credit that you have the honesty and also the self-love to say - hey, there should be more to it than this! There's a lot to be said for a comfortable and companionable marriage and as you say, it is not easy to give this up. However, a marriage should encompass friendship but not be only friendship. There needs to be passion and conflict and growth so that it can still be stimulating and life-enhancing. Rather than look to another man for excitement, I suggest you try to put some of the spark back into your marriage. In my work as a counsellor, I have seen amazing turn-arounds in marriages that seemed doomed. Try the usual candlelit dinners and sexy lingerie but also give some time to rediscovering each other, talk about your real feelings - maybe he feels the same and hasn't known what to do about it. It is very easy to lose your way in a relationship, to lose connection and then just drift, out of laziness, indifference or indecision. Start immediately by doing something positive. Why have you stopped being intimate? Try to get that back, not necessarily through intercourse straightaway but by touching, cuddling, holding hands. If you try and fail, fair enough, move on but if you don't try, you'll always wonder if it could have been different. I wish you luck.
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