I've been in several relationships but this is just too much drama for me.

A. It sounds like this girl is grappling two different sets of feelings. Confusion is the key; you're right about that. She clearly likes you but is attracted to the other guy still. It's the old "bad boy" syndrome. Though she knows he's no good for her, she can't help being drawn back time and again. The main thing for you is to not allow yourself to be caught in their crossfire. Don't threaten to break up unless you mean it. Be cool and think carefully. When she challenged you to do it, it might've just been bravado, said out of fear of losing you. This is a messy situation and I recommend that you back right off and give her the space and time to sort it all out for herself.

To answer your questions:

• I don't think she wants you to be the one that breaks off. She doesn't really know what she wants.
• Emotional issues can't always be based on commonsense decisions.
• She doesn't want to sleep over because she's ambivalent about the relationship with you.
• I've suggested what you should do. I certainly agree that it's all too exhausting at present but only you can decide if and when to pull the plug.  

Hot, Then Cold
October 6, 2009
Q. I met this person on an online dating service. We spent hours on the phone talking and discovered many things in common. And he texted me all day long - even from his job. He told me that he felt a special connection with me, despite the fact that we had not met yet. I wanted to take it slow but I was really happy to finally have met somebody so nice. So after two weeks of calls and texts, this last weekend he invited me over his house, we live in two different towns, so I spent the weekend with him. He seemed to like me, although he was acting quiet. He told me he was shy, but he did not seem shy on the phone. Regardless we spent a great weekend together. But this past two days he is not texting nor calling, not even returning my one call. And I know he is not busy because he was taking days off. I don't understand what could have happened. It is evident to me that he has lost interest, but he was nice and charming until the very last second we said goodbye. Should I confront him and ask what went wrong? Or should I just leave it like that?

A. Your attitude is correct. It's probably best if you wait to hear from him at this stage. However, if he does call, don't let him off the hook. Tell him that his silence is hurtful and disrespectful and that you deserve better treatment.  There are any number of reasons for his behavior - he could have deeper feelings than he's prepared to face up to, or alternatively, he could have realized after sleeping with you that his feelings are more friendship than romance. It's not your responsibility to figure out his feelings or issues. He might be better suited to impersonal relationships and if you want something more up-close and personal, you might have to look elsewhere. It's very hurtful when people reject us without an explanation but learn from it and move on with your own life.

Mixed Messages On Relationship
September 22, 2009
Q. This man was interested in me (he's quiet shy, reserved, doesn't talk a lot, he is also a loner, doesn't have a big social life and likes to spend a lot of time on his own). Finally, he asked me out and we had a lovely few weeks dating, then I feel I may have come on too strong, and I  feel that he lost interest. He made it clear that he didn't want a relationship and that he was happy being single. Now he never calls or contacts me, however, I call him maybe every week, or every two weeks to catch up, and when we do catch up, it's really lovely. I still feel we have a lovely connection (our first date was 2 1/2 months ago). He doesn't seem like a player at all, but he doesn't like to communicate so I am trying to work out what is going on and whether it is pointless me keeping in contact. I want to take things easy and slowly, and to be honest, I just want the company, but I am worried that he thinks I want more which I don't. How do I communicate this to him? I want to send him an email as he's not a talker. Is it wrong to send a man an email expressing what you want and how you feel?

A. If you didn't want a relationship, I wonder why you say you came on too strong at the start. He's made it clear that he doesn't want more than friendship and probably doesn't believe you feel the same. To convince him you're sincere, you'll need to back off, cut right down on the contact. Wanting company is not a reason to hang onto someone. It is okay to express your feelings to a guy but not when you don't have a romantic relationship and he says he doesn't want one. You're just pushing him away even more and soon, you won't even have friendship. The problem as I see it is that you don't really know what you want. Sort out your feelings and leave this guy alone until you're clear. You can't ask another person to supply your needs or make you happy.

(Not So) Happy Hour
September 8, 2009
Q. Most of my boyfriend's friends are from work. I know he had a crush on at least one woman at work, and doesn't include me in social events related to work. Yesterday he told me he has a meeting with "his boss" for "happy hour" at a bar tonight. Today is FRIDAY and he has a meeting ALONE with his FEMALE BOSS at a BAR for happy hour? I think this sounds fishy. I have been to bars with my boss, but only as a group. I think either something is going on with the boss or he is lying and meeting someone else.

A. Happy hour with workmates is certainly not unusual and maybe even with one particular colleague if that person was the only one free to attend but if they just made an arrangement between them to go alone, that would be different. If he has a "crush" on this woman, that's okay too, as long as it stays harmless. Even your not being included in work functions may not be sinister in itself. What I'm trying to point out is that you may not have anything to worry about. I don't want to see you all worried over a situation that may be innocent. Worry never helps anyway. If you honestly think something's going on behind your back, you need to come clean with your guy and tell him you don't feel comfortable about this his behavior. Give him a chance to be honest with you or put your mind at ease.

Cellphone Catastrophy
August 25, 2009
Q. I've been with my current boyfriend for about 1-1/2 years now. I'm 23 and he is 25. I am his first committed relationship. When we met, he was involved with another woman sexually and stopped with her to be in a committed relationship with me. But even though they Have split up, they remained friends. This woman would always be at the same hangout spots I was and she would report back to my boyfriend about where and what I was doing without him asking for the info. Ultimately me and the girl exchanged some words, and she stated she could have him if she wanted to. I didn't like the sound of it so I ask my boyfriend to cut communication off with her and he did. But several months down the line, my woman intuition was kicking in and I went through his cell phone and there were pictures of her and her daughter in his phone. My boyfriend and I had a blow out over the situation, we ultimately stayed together but I told him that it was unacceptable.

That was the beginning of trust issues for me. Over the course of time, me and him grew more in love with each other. But, there were still trust issues with me that he hadn't worked to improve, because over the course of our relationship, he found it okay to still keep in contact with female "friends". I expressed to him that it hurt me and that talking is only going to last for so long until it turns physical. His defense he hasn't changed his phone numbers in 7 years and that people just pop up from time to time. Now, I know who his real friends are that because we all hang out. I don't mind having a causal chat from time to time but even when I do, I let my guy know about it, but he doesn't offer this info in return and this is where the problem lies.

Now, fast forward to the present where my guy has gotten a new phone which I set up for him and while setting it up he has text messages from a girl whose name I do not know and she made statements such as, "If you were around me I would have taking advantage of you" and "you should have been at my job" Now this doesn't sound casual to me. I confronted him the issue, his defense is that the girl was drunk and decided to hit him up and that I didn't see what he wrote in return. We had a big argument which ultimately I told him I was through, but he wanted to work things out so we put everything on the table. I stated to him he has to rebuild my trust and gave him ways to do it, One, cut off these females, keep communication with me as telling when these things happened, when they happen and when there are long periods of time going past with no communication to tell what's going on and so on.

Things were going great until the other day he was making a phone call from his cellphone and I noticed he put a password on it. I asked him what the password was for and he stated security reasons. I said okay if its for security reasons then you wouldn't mind giving me the password. He didn't want to give it to me. I stated to him I really didn't want the password but it was waving a red flag. If he would have given it to me it would have shown he has nothing to hide. I told how uncomfortable it made me and he was like it's his privacy and he didn't feel he should give it to me. He argued hard over this because I was so uncomfortable about it. I ultimately told him that if he doesn't want to rebuild my trust there is no point in being together. He didn't want to give me the password or take off the password so we broke up. I am going through the motions hard because I miss him and I still want to be with him, but I need for him to see how hurt I am and how I need him to do right by me. We haven't talked since and it's hurting, and my boyfriend is full of pride, ego, hardheaded and somewhat emotionless and I know he won't give in.

Because I believe he thinks I just broke up with him over a password and really I broke up over his unwillingness to rebuild my trust. And, if he gave me the password he feels I will just continue to go through his phone and I will never trust him. I told him if he worked on building me trust and nothing was there I have no reason to look. The good outweighs the bad - he has always been by my side through ups and downs, accepted me through health issues and my crazyness, help and supported me when I was down on luck. I am just lost and confused. Help!

A. There are several issues raised in your letter and I'll try to address the main ones. Firstly, the girl he was involved with when you started up - she was clearly a mischief-maker and you were right to ask him to end it. But I think you went wrong when you persisted in expecting him to betray you. The trust issue is yours and it's up to you to deal with it. You keep saying he has to work on it but unless he's lying and sneaking around, it's not his responsibility. And we come to the main problem - how to distinguish between what is real and what is imagined. You can't blame him for women texting or phoning him. It's his response that counts. You've both failed on communication. You've pressured him too much and he hasn't been upfront. If you start up again, make sure you have a better understanding of what a relationship needs to be positive and healthy. By all means, state your requirements but concentrate on your part and you won't go wrong. If you keep expecting trouble, you'll always find it.

Double Trouble
August 12, 2009
Q. I married my college friend 15 years ago and 10 years back I met this person at work and dated him when I was away from my husband in a different city. Within a year, I decided that it was NOT right and moved back to my husband. Due to career circumstances, we then moved to the same city where my ex-boyfriend was. I became pregnant in 2001. This news was broken to my husband and we had long years of trauma among the 3 of us for about 5 years (I know it was too long but I don't want to hurt either of the men). Now I have DIVORCED from my husband to move ahead and marry my boyfriend. He was unmarried and waited for long to resolve this issue and is ready to continue the life with me. Now the question is, should I inform the kid (7 years old) I had with my boyfriend and tell him that my ex-husband was NOT his father and in fact it was my boyfriend who was his father. Should I inform him about this now or later? If later, how much later? Second, I still don't dislike my husband, he was good friend of mine, do you think it is a good idea to continue the friendship with him?

A. I think 7 is a bit too young for him to understand the complexity of adult relationships. I'm not going to lecture you about the way you handled the affair, divorce etc because you obviously already know your mistakes. The important thing now is how you proceed from here. Your son is the innocent in this situation and he should be your first consideration. He will probably continue to think of your ex as his father so it would be best if you stay on good terms with him. Of course you have the right to be with the man you choose but just be very careful when you do tell your son that you are sensitive to the fact that he will be shocked and he won't like it. I'd say when he's 10 would be ideal. By then, you'd be settled in your new marriage and he'll have the stability to cope.

Friend in Trouble
July 28, 2009
Q. My friend dated a guy between 1995 - 1999. She was 17 years old when they started and got married in 1999. Now she has a 7 years old daughter from the marriage. In 2007, her husband told her that he was having an affair and wants her to accept his relationship with the other woman. The same woman has numerous times harassed her over the phone. She still stays with her husband and is financially independent. For the sake of her daughter, she has been living with him and the husband has denied the custody of daughter in case she leaves. Now she has decided to separate and feels her daughter needs a father more than mother and will let her daughter stay with her father. In the meantime, since 2004, there is a guy who is 2 years younger to her and has expressed his love for her. He is single and has never been in any relationship and now has proposed marriage and requested her to leave the house and marry him. I have suggested she should first separate and spend some time by herself and cross the bridge when it comes and she has finally agreed. I would very much like to have your advice, if she is doing right and what steps she should take to make sure her daughter does not suffer.

A. It's good to care about your friend but it's her life and all you can do is offer advice. I'll give you my insight about this situation and you can pass it on if you wish. If a marriage is extremely painful, sometimes a person has to leave but I don't agree that a daughter needs a father more. If she had gone to the family court, he would've been forced to let her take the girl. As to the current situation, I agree with you that it would be better to leave and be by herself for a while. It's my standard advice to anyone leaving a relationship as it's necessary to process and heal. By going straight into a new arrangement, nothing's ever really resolved. However, if your friend wants to move in with this new guy, all you can do is stand by her, be her friend, and if it all goes wrong, don't judge - just support her.

Internet Dud?
July 14, 2009
Q. I met a guy on the internet in May.  I have been almost in daily correspondence and many times multiple daily correspondences from 7 am to 10 pm.  I was the first one to even mention the word sex and the conversation has not gone past the mention of that word.  We spoke today and he caught himself saying a curse word and reframed his sentence.  In June, he asked what I would like in a relationship and in a man.  I told him he seemed in tune with the response and did not indicate that we would not be compatible.  The problem is that he runs hot and cold.  I have made plans to meet him a couple of times and once he blew me off.  The second was mutually cancelled. However, he gets hot when I start pulling away. I don't come out and say it that way, but I do it tactfully. He lives a few hundred miles away.  At first I thought there may be another someone important.  Which would be okay; that's his right and I know how to move on.  However, I think he is just a wounded animal and very slow to trust.  I say this because I remember asking him if he and his ex-wife were in contact; he forcefully said "Not at all" in a sarcastic tone.  After I thought about it, I felt this was an extreme reaction after being divorced almost 20 years and having a daughter with this woman.  This man has always had a good job, he has been in state government for 29 years; so I am sure there were no issues regarding money and child support.  In addition, he is in contact at least weekly with his daughter.  Why am I wasting my time? My senses tell me that he is somehow worthwhile.  I am not a woman that wants a man hanging on my every word.  I am working on my PhD so have a very busy world.  Today we had a long conversation and he asked me for career advice. He gave me the exact salary of the consulting position that he is thinking of accepting after he retires in December; he also made it very clear that he would not be moving away from where he is living now.   I am so confused.  Yes, I can meet men in my own area.  I am fairly attractive at 44 yrs old and take good care of myself.  Both men and women regularly compliment me on my looks and style.  I am a plus sized women, size 16, but very well-proportioned. He is 55 and appears to be in good shape physically.  However, I know at that age men do begin to have some male related health issues.  To lay the icing on the cake, there is also an interracial factor.  I think I may be falling for him.  Please help me I am so confused!

A. Many of these details in your letter are irrelevant to the situation at hand. What matters is the depth of feeling between you and whether it's mutual. You sound like an emotionally mature and independent woman which is good because it allows you to make healthy decisions in your life. Falling in love is all good and well but it's not enough if you're with the wrong person. This guy does what we call push-pull, i.e. he keeps swinging from wanting you and not wanting you. You can't be at the whims of his uncertainty. It's no use trying to talk yourself into a relationship with him. I think you're right about him being damaged and you can't fix him! Your question about wasting your time is a good one. Answer it from your heart and you'll know what to do.

Confused
June 30, 2009
Q. I'm 19 yrs old and I had a relationship with a 24 yr old man. Lived with him for 6 months, we had many things in common (we both loved to play games, we were into the same music genre, we shared similar ideas and so on and so forth). This past Sunday, he dropped the bomb on me going to his mother's house, "Baby, I've got to tell you something. Our relationship feels more like a friendship, it's why I haven't tried to have sex with you for a while, it wouldn't feel right having sex with a friend." So, I got upset feeling that, even though he said it wasn't, he was breaking up with me. I asked later on what exactly happened, why did it happen? He explained that for a month now he's felt the relationship slipping (it pissed me off that he didn't inform me about it in the first place and waited a month for it to die), he was having trouble feeding us both (with all the money issues we were having and how he couldn't seem to keep a job due to his temper), we both had our personal problems to deal with (him needing to work on cooling his temper and not getting so angry so fast, needing to become more compassionate and he listed a few others that fail to come to mind. My problems being that I can't drive, I've only had one job in my life and he said that I need to get those and get more experience in the world, plus I need to work on how negative I suddenly became for the past two weeks. He has me so confused, he cried when I was packing my things, and after I left, he went back to his mum's and was upset and still crying (drinking to boot), If he was going to get so upset over leaving me, why do it in the first place? I tried to get him to do a long distance relationship with me while I was back home.  I wouldn't be able to call him but every other night, and even then it would have to be after 9pm due to how his cell phone minutes are setup, in which case we wouldn't be able to pick and pluck at each others' bad parts of one another (considering he didn't have much of a job and I didn't have one period, we spent a lot of time sitting around watching movies we've already seen before) but he denied getting back together with me, he claimed that being in a relationship with someone stresses him out. I am absolutely in love with this man, out of all of my past relationships with men who've left me, honest to God - Cross my heart and hope to die - he's the first man I have ever wanted to take me back. Despite some of the arguments we've had, I am IN LOVE with this man. To add in, he said it was just a temporary thing; it wasn't permanent, he claims that in the future after we've addressed our problems, we would have the chance to have a happier and better relationship. He said he still loved me and such and I'm desperate to get back with him, but I don't want to turn into a stalker or annoy him or anything, but I really can't stress the fact that I want him to take me back. I'm not really sure what to do and I don't even know how to turn that entire paragraph into a question, I guess all I can ask is what do you think I should do?

A. I'm confused! Did he end the relationship because he only wants friendship or because of your individual problems? If it's the first reason, what's going to change it, and why is he saying he loves you?! The second reason makes more sense as you do seem to both have a lot to sort out. I do recommend that you focus on your own issues and not get caught up in his. Relationships are not a magic bullet for life's problems. If you can get a job and make a life on your own without relying on him, you'll be happier and have a better chance of success with him if you decide to try again. You're still very young and have a lot of living to do. Wanting this guy is fine but don't close off your other options. Let him know your feelings but don't push. Trust the future.

STD Worries
June 16, 2009
Q. I met a Turkish guy earlier this year and we evolved in a sexual relationship. At first he was really nice, texting me several times a day. One and a half months into the relationship, he stopped lavishing me with attention and he said it was due to his difficult immigration situation. Because he was so distant, I put an end to the relationship and he agreed to this but even though we agreed, he was calling me once every week to check how I was doing. In a moment of weakness, I invited him over and we ended up having sex. After sex when he thought I was sleeping, he went on my computer and the next day I saw that he checked websites related to schizophrenia and also how to recognize a series of STD's like gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia. Later that day, he sent me a text message to say he does not want contact with me anymore because he has problems with himself. We had sex 2 times without a condom and now I am very afraid that he purposely infected me with something, even though he told me he is clean.

A. I get a lot of mail about new partners cooling off after a while. It leaves the other person confused and hurt. You seem to have handled the situation better than most. It's understandable that you fell back into his arms when he turned up again but perhaps you can learn something for the future - ask more questions before getting involved again after a break-up. He did try to be honest with you by saying he had problems but I guess it was a shock when you found out what he meant. If he has a mental illness or a sexual disease, please steer clear of him till it's all made clear. I really don't think he would've infected you on purpose but if he knew and still had sex, that's very irresponsible. Get some straight answers, and meantime, see the doctor yourself.

Is He Gay?
June 3, 2009
Q. I've been dating this guy for 6 weeks. We live over an hour from each other so we only go out once a week but we talk through the phone and text messages every day. In all of my past relationships, I've had to be on guard a lot of the time because they always tried to push me farther than I've wanted or was ready to go. However, with this guy, I've never had to put my guard up. We kissed on our second date. On our third date, I drove to where he lived and had Sunday dinner with his family. The night ended at his apartment with a kiss. The next week he came to my house and met my dad. My dad went to bed at 11 and we were alone till 3 A.M. when he left. We kissed a few times during the night, but nothing intense. I went back to his apartment this past Saturday because it was his birthday. We went to dinner, stopped by his grandparents' house for a short time for him to get his birthday gift and were back at his apartment by 10. We watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. We kissed once but that was it. I left at 2 AM and he gave me a kiss goodnight. I'm so confused because I've never been with a guy who didn't take advantage of having a girl alone in his apartment. I don't know what to think, Is he gay (which is preposterous)? Is he not interested but doesn't know how to get rid of me, or is he just one of the last gentlemen in this day and age? Please help me make sense of this extremely confusing new relationship

A. As we go through life, we develop a "relationship pattern" which determines whom we choose to be with based on our background experience. You have continually attracted guys who see you mainly as a sexual partner. We therapists usually recommend that serious relationships are not formed from this early chemistry. What you have going with your new guy has a much better chance of lasting and bringing happiness. The only reason it's bothering you is that his behavior breaks your relationship pattern. Hang in there. This is a good thing. The guy doesn't want you for a casual sex fling. He's taking his time to get to know you, and let feelings grow. Don't let your confusion spoil things or let him go! He's a keeper.

Dishwasher Showdown
May 19, 2009
Q. My daughter is 11; she and her younger brother were adopted by us when she was 6.  She has trauma history, and a very strong willed, oppositional personality.   As her main routine chore, she has the responsibility of taking care of the dishwasher.  She has had this task since she was 9.  We have fought the battle of the dishwasher for the entire time.  She ignores doing it, won't do it right, 'forgets' to put the soap in and run it.  Dishes routinely pile up in the sink every time I try to give her a chance to be responsible about it.  Since her brother turned 9 almost a year ago, she has argued and argued that he needs to do it.  I keep telling her that she needs to do her job and do it right before her younger brother can take it from her.  Which she just won't do - she is winning the battle but losing the war. So last night after she went to bed, I opened up the dishwasher and found it actually over-full - with glasses stacked on top of glasses.  I fixed it and ran it so she could unload it before she got her cereal this morning, and made her pay me $1 from her allowance for doing her job for her.  I also told her from now on if I or her younger brother have to take care of her job for her, she will have to pay us $1 each time. I want to stick to making her take her responsibility seriously and to doing it right before I allow her brother to take over every other night of kitchen cleanup.  If we stand over her and watch, she does it right, but the moment we give her a chance to be trusted with it unwatched, she immediately starts messing up again.  My husband is sick of the battling and wants me to give her a different chore since she clearly never intends to do this one right.  I think that would be the absolutely worst thing to do.  What do you think?  How should we approach this?

A. Sorry, but I agree with your husband, and I'll explain why. You and your daughter have simply locked into a power struggle which of course is very common between mothers and daughters. It's been going on for two years and regardless of whether she's adopted or your biological child, the issue remains the same. You're both being very stubborn over a relatively minor problem. You are the adult so it's up to you to fix it. Don't get me wrong - I totally agree that children should have chores and be responsible but don't we all have preferences? Why must it be this particular job? I suggest you talk to her quietly, explain that you're not letting her off the hook but are prepared to negotiate. Ask her what job she would like, let her choose a comparable one but make it clear that she must then do it religiously with no supervision. Once it's agreed, there must be trust - no second guessing, checking or redoing her work. Respect is a two-way street.  

Committment Issues
May 6, 2009
Q. I have been in a relationship for 9 months. We were both going thru a divorce, his is final, mine will be next week. I knew in the beginning that it was not a good idea to start seeing him. He lives around the corner, our children are in the same class. But I felt something for him instantly. He always said he didn't want a serious relationship and that he didn't know if he could commit. I was fine with that, I had just come out of a marriage where my husband walked out and never looked back. I was devastated, I had no idea he was cheating. When my boyfriend and I got together we weren't looking for it to get serious, but it did. We spent all our time together when we didn't have our children. Then we started doing things with our children – play-dates and movies. We never let them know we were in a relationship; we wanted them to be comfortable with each other. He was loving and so supportive. We went on 2 trips together, he had me with his friends all the time and his family. Two weeks, ago he told me he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't be in a serious relationship and he had to run and disconnect. I called and text he wouldn't talk to me, finally I went over there and said - why can't we keep it the way it was? He said he couldn't and I left. I did not call him, I walked away and it hurt. Then 5 days later, he calls because he owes me money from our last trip. He wants to give it to me, I tell him just put it in the mail, he didn't have to call, I would never have asked him for the money. I would have written it off. He called again but I didn't answer, I called the next morning told him just to drop it off. He wanted to know if we could start talking again, I told him I can't, either we are in a relationship or not. He said it's all or nothing with you, I can't be his friend when I have such feelings for him. He dropped off the money and we talked. He said he can't be with me because his feelings scare him and he needs to be a loner, I told him I feel sorry for him because he has to get out of his head. He told me he wants to be part of my life, be my friend, I said he is messing with me, I told him he will probably call in 2 weeks and I can't take it, I can't be part of his life. He told me to call him. I did stupidly that night, he didn't answer. It's too hard, I just don't know how to let go again. I am in love with him and I know he is in love with me. How can people just walk away? Do I wait for him to realize or is it just stupid to keep hoping he will come back?

A. It's not stupid to hope someone will change their mind but I definitely you don't wait around for it. That never works. It just makes things worse. If you can get on with your own life, be mature and stand on your own, you'll have more to offer this guy or another one who comes along. The problem in your current situation is that you and he want different things. A lot of people don't realize that love is only a starting point. There's a lot more to having a successful relationship. If you keep pursuing this guy, you'll invite more hurt as he can't give you what you need. You have every right to say you can't be just friends. That's cool. Wear the hurt till it ends then move on.

His Size
April 21, 2009
Q. I am 23 years old and my boyfriend of almost four years is 31. I have a 5 year old child from a previous relationship and we have a 2 year old child together. From the first day we had sex, I noticed that his penis was smaller than any of the other men I had been with before but I figured it would be ok. After the birth of my second child, his size became a major issue. I notice that he cannot reach places that I need to become satisfied. I find myself faking orgasms and even secretly crying after sex from the frustration. The whole situation has me so messed up that I have considered cheating on him or even having sex with a woman just to find that satisfaction. It has become such a problem that now I get irritated with him for no reason and we argue about everything. I am wanting to know is there anyway that we can change this? I feel like this could tear us apart as I cannot have a healthy and happy relationship without good sex.

A. The problem with sex issues is that they're rarely brought out into the open; therefore, they cause tension in other parts of life. If this is the man you want then you need to find a way to have better sex with him. Having sex outside your marriage is not a positive solution as it might backfire, causing pain all round. Here's what I suggest - pick up a book that depicts sexual positions. The one I think might work for you is both of you sitting up with you on top, preferably on a hard chair. This will allow major penetration. It's going to require patience and experimenting but it'll be worthwhile if things in bed improve for you both. Things can't continue as they are.

Intimacy Gone
April 8, 2009
Q. You'll have to forgive me as this is really my first time seeking counseling about my relationship. I want to thank you for what you've done for others, I'm sure many have benefited greatly from your advice. With that said, here is a bit about myself, the relationship and what is going on. I'm a 32 year old male in a relationship of almost 10 years. We have two children together, ages 6 and 7. Our dilemma is of a sexual nature so I hope this doesn't offend you or is ok. For the first few years things sexually were great and she was very affectionate, loving, and adventurous. We had some rough times financially starting about 6 years ago, but we pulled through it. Things have really turned around for us money wise now, we both have good jobs, a nice home, and just about all we need.

Our love life seems to have disappeared though. I've always been one to show lots of affection, tell her she looks nice, smells good, and often go out of my way to make sure she has what she needs, and does not have to deal with unneeded stress. At the same time, I try to balance this so she does not feel like I do everything and she does nothing. To put it all out there, she does not show much affection anymore, from hugs to kissing, and sex is rare. By rare I mean months apart. Not to go into too much detail, I get the sense she just gives in because I'm in the mood or frustrated because several months have gone by. She'll just lay there, almost zero interaction on her part.

I've tried to address this with her several times, however, it leads to her getting very upset and a fight breaks out. I don't bring it up anymore, but lately it's reached a point where I'm feeling resentment, and serious frustration. After 6 years of this, I just can't ignore it or let it go for much longer. It often feels like she is more interested in some TV show, something on the computer, and rarely shows interest in me. Perhaps I'm being selfish, but when I look back at how she used to be, and how I treat her, I can't help but see such an extreme difference and change in her.

A while back, a friend of hers mentioned something about IUD's and how some contain hormones that cause side effects like decreased libido. We talked about this and agreed that her IUD could very well be one of these. So I've asked her many times to see a doctor, perhaps get it replaced with an alternative, or even have it taken out completely. This was over a year ago and she refuses to commit to at least seeing if this is the issue. Her reaction is often like she doesn't see it as an issue and is just fine with how things are. So, I'm at a pass, I really don't know what to do anymore. I could always bring it up again, at the risk of yet another argument about it, however this is not a very appealing option. Do you have any ideas or thoughts on this matter?

A. This is indeed a perplexing situation. But in some ways, aren't all human relationships? We can never really understand what goes on with another. When asked about a confusing matter like this, I rely on my instinct because I don't know this guy and can only speculate about his behavior. My gut feeling is that he doesn't want to commit. It's as simple as that. It was evident even before you had sex and since then, he's virtually disappeared. Either he's scared that you're going to want too much from him now or he himself is feeling too much and he's running scared. Whichever it is, I agree with your friends. You need to back off and let him come to you. If you pressure him into seeing you, what good is that? The next time you do hear from him, I suggest you tell him straight-out how you're feeling and that you want a definite answer regarding your future. You're right to ask for more.

Afraid To Commit?
March 24, 2009
Q. I am a single mother of two younger children.  My ex-hubby doesn't see my kids at all so dating is expensive for me.  I have known this fantastic man for 18 months. We are both very attracted to one another and he would call or stop by my house randomly (Once every few months) and stay for 10-20 minutes after attending a work-related function, we would chat, he would hug me and hold me then leave.  He always positioned himself when we were together to let me know he wanted to be close to me yet never tried to kiss me until recently.  He travels a lot for work. He is 30, never married and no kids.  He at one point said he has dated women with kids before.  He was engaged to a girl he dated for 5 years and she called him while he was in Paris for a movie premier and broke it off with him.  He has been hurt and so have I. Over the last 6 weeks, he finally kissed me and on our next date after that we were intimate. I assumed we would see each other more and his pattern has not changed at all.  I also explained that is why I wasn't interested in dating him previously.  I expressed my feelings were hurt by this and he started to call more and now he didn't ask to see me over the holidays at all and I don't know what to do.  He said after the holidays it would be better, he would have more time and now he is no place to be found, leaving me wanting more time and emotional response from him.  He had texted and called for 18 months consistently and I can't help but to feel sad that I was intimate with him and now he is not responding. I am in no way insecure about my "skills" in bed so I know that is not the problem.  Everyone says wait let it go and he will come around, he has politely been pursuing you for a long time. What else can I do??  I can't get him off my mind and we agreed that we wouldn't see other people as a result of being intimate but how do you date someone who is never available??  Am I kidding myself that he is my prince charming wooing me respectfully for 18 months only to have sex 2 times and hit the road???  I explained over the last 18 months I don't do casual sex or casual relationships involving sex.  I feel betrayed and tricked.  Can you help me with this?  Did i mention I started the pill because of ovarian cysts and have been loopy and am now getting my bearings the last few days? I feel that my hormonal outbursts have messed things up.  I did warn him before I went on the hormones that I would probably be a little loopy for a while until I got my bearings.   

A. This is indeed a perplexing situation. But in some ways, aren't all human relationships? We can never really understand what goes on with another. When asked about a confusing matter like this, I rely on my instinct because I don't know this guy and can only speculate about his behavior. My gut feeling is that he doesn't want to commit. It's as simple as that. It was evident even before you had sex and since then, he's virtually disappeared. Either he's scared that you're going to want too much from him now or he himself is feeling too much and he's running scared. Whichever it is, I agree with your friends. You need to back off and let him come to you. If you pressure him into seeing you, what good is that? The next time you do hear from him, I suggest you tell him straight-out how you're feeling and that you want a definite answer regarding your future. You're right to ask for more.

Is He Immature?
March 10, 2009
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 4 months. We’re both in the navy and our PCS time is nearing. In September we have to choose new orders and move. The thing is, I would love to go with him to where he chooses as I could see a future with him. But every time I ask him if he could possibly see a future with me, he tells me “he doesn’t know.” He tells me he can’t see into the future and he doesn’t know if things will change before the time comes. In the past he has been hurt in a relationship with an ex, and this has been his longest relationship thus far, so I’m beginning to think he has commitment issues. He’s a little on the immature side, and has a difficult time telling me what he’s thinking. We never raise our voices when we have ‘heated discussions’ which are usually my doing because of this issue and he also seems to have a problem accurately expressing himself. Just the other day, he even told me that having a few close guy friends is more important to him that a girlfriend is. Of course, this is reasonable and he didn’t mean to hurt me, but it really did. It makes me think, then why am I here?

I’m 22, and he is 20, and he is very sweet, and of course a little inconsiderate at times, as am I. He never goes out of his way to hurt me, or ‘wow’ me for that matter, and I’ve asked him twice before if he wants to have a break (as I feel I smother him sometimes) and he always says no, and says I’m just being insecure and there’s nothing wrong in our relationship. But at the same time, he can’t even tell me if he could possibly see a future with me. I need to make a decision about my future before our PCS time comes, but I don’t know what I should do. I love him, and he loves me too, but the fact that he cannot tell me ANYTHING of his future plans with me is killing me. He says all he wants out of a relationship is to be happy, but I want happiness AND security. I just want to know should I stay with him until time comes for us to go our separate ways and he has to make a decision, should I try to move on with my own life now to avoid being even more hurt in the future, or should I just suck it up and enjoy what time we have together now regardless of what the future holds? This is the first long term relationship I’ve been in and I try my hardest to be mature about the situations we get into.

A. I'm glad you told me your ages as 20 is a very crucial age for a guy. I've counseled guys in their early 20s for many years and they always say they feel in-between, not a boy yet not ready for the challenges of manhood. This seems to be exactly where your guy is at present. He's actually being very honest with you and you shouldn't take it personally. What 20-year old can truly say they're ready to commit to a definite and permanent relationship? At 22 and female, you are much more mature than he and it's not fair to hurry him. If he's the one you want, be patient, don't pressure and let him enjoy being single for now. There's a whole lifetime ahead to be responsible and committed. Happiness is only in the now. If you mainly want security, he's not the guy for you.

Online Cheating
February 25, 2009
Q. I've been dating this guy for 3 years now and we have had a lot of ups and downs along the way. I've caught him cheating at least 3 times but not physically. Instead, it's over the internet and phone. Like pictures and talking and it seems he never wants to communicate with me. Every time I try to talk about our problems and see what we can do to fix our relationship to the way it was before. He shuts me out and always thinks we are fine and he thinks he can say anything he wants or if I say he can't talk to someone that I don't approve of, he doesn't listen. Am I pushing too hard or not trying hard enough? I'm so confused. All I want is to live my day without worry if he is doing something.

A. Ups and downs are normal in any relationship. It's also common-place for guys to not want to talk over problems. They deal with issues differently to women. So, you'll have to take another approach. Ask yourself why he's feeling the need to get online to chat to women or look at internet porn. It sounds like he's a bit bored with your relationship so think about how you might recapture his interest. Perhaps actions are better than words at this stage. Nagging and pressuring are the worst things you can do.  I think you are pushing too hard. You say you want to stop worrying, well, that's up to you, not him. Worry is totally useless. Rather than complaining and asking to be heard, just tell him you won't put up with secrecy anymore and if he doesn't want to work on your relationship, you're giving up as well. That will either wake him up or you'll realize it's over.

Intimate Odor
February 10, 2009
Q. First off, let me tell you I am a 27 year old male and this is in regards to my sexual relationship with my girl of over 2 years. Sex is limited with us. It's not her that's not interested, it's me. I can tell you that I had some issues with her genital area for quite a long time. She had a horrible odor and didn't notice. It took a long time for me to say something but it had to be done. It wasn't pretty when I did but she went to the doc and found she had an infection. I've had my share of women so I knew something wasn't right. So after that it did get better but still not great. I even paid for some waxing but there was still that little odour that never left my senses. She has been getting upset with me a lot and says my libido isn't right. I feel bad as I love her. That is why I didn't leave her when I first got wind of the problem but now even though it's not all that bad down there, I'm not all that interested. Am I scarred? She never orgasms when we have sex and I'm no amateur. I won't go down on her because of the whole thing in the past. Also, it doesn't help that I have to wear a condom however she is now after 2 years going on the pill. When we do have sex, it's pretty repetitive, let's have sex, she gives me oral, and we do it and that's that - like robots. No excitement at all. I do all the work in bed to which is quite boring for me all the time. I mean I love to be in charge but all the time is a bit much. She never puts on anything exciting to wear either. Just the same old boxers and tank top. I don't think that really has anything to do with it but what do I know? I don't want to make it sound like it's all her fault either. Is my libido really gone? I don't think so because I enjoy watching porn and masturbating. I was always a pretty sexual person to but I just don't desire it anymore. With all that said, what do I do? What do we do? We love each other a lot and are the best of friends. We don't fight but when we do, it's about sex. Please help! Thanks.

A. I understand everything you say and I think that now, you have become generally negative about this girl which is very unfortunate because you say you love her. Libido is very rarely gone altogether but we're not machines and when we turn off, it can seem total and forever. If you are truly scarred, it's up to you to do something about it. This is what I suggest – 1) De-emphasize the problem. The more you think about it, the deeper it will get. 2) Focus on the love you share and stop making it all about sex. Sex is important but not everything in a relationship. 3) Remember that she did try to fix the problem and has now gone on the pill so she's doing her bit. 4) If you're satisfying yourself all the time, it's no wonder you've lost your interest in sex with her. 5) If it's all gone a bit stale, jazz it up. Don't ask her to make all the changes. My general point to you is - stop finding fault and decide if you want to stay with this girl. If you do, try my ideas.

Am I Being Stalky?
January 28, 2009
Q. I went on a date with a guy last week, and we got on fine and stayed out till 1.30 am chatting. He left by giving me a peck on the cheek. Not really any mention of a second date, only when we were at dinner and he said, "if you come again, I’ll take you to the other place."  Well, we did text and email each other after the date. I asked him out again by dropping this into the conversation, "I have found a really nice Thai Restaurant, would you like to go sometime?" His reply was “Sounds nice, I'll let you know.” So I haven’t mentioned it again. Is that a polite way of saying no?  I don’t want to look stupid and ask again. He has not long come out of a relationship and did spend a lot of time talking about his ex as well. I don’t want to pressure him, but I also have made the mistake in the past of being too laid back and losing the man! How should I go with this, do as I’m doing and cut down my texting and emailing and back off and see if he gets in touch?

A. I think you have done right. You had a nice date, you followed up with a suggestion and then you've left him to come back to you. Are you sure he likes Thai food? Sometimes it's safer to ask because that could his reason for hesitating. Or he could be the sort of guy who likes to do the planning. I would stay cool. Keep up the contact without suggesting another date at this stage. You could be right about his reluctance to get too serious at present but that doesn't mean he's not interested. If in a few more weeks, he still doesn't mention going out, you could ask him casually if he likes Thai food then ask where he would like to eat sometime, maybe even suggest a night. If he still doesn't bite, you might have to look elsewhere or be prepared to wait a lot longer.

Is He A Deadbeat?
January 13, 2009
Q. I have been dating the same guy for over four years. It has been a rocky relationship the entire time, but for some reason it has been hard for me to let go.  I know he loves me, but some things are just not the way I would want them to be.  I don't know if it's just me being unrealistic with my expectations or if he really just isn't the one.  The problem is that I'm about to graduate college and move out of state.  I'm about 2.5 months pregnant.  He told me to abort it but I know he's just scared like I am.  Anyway, these are my concerns:  1. He has an anger issue.  We were arguing like we do and he told me he would kill me.  He has threatened me and my property on a lot of occasions though he has never hit me in four years.  He calls me a b----- whenever we argue.  I tell him if we had kids they would be walking around calling me a b! 2.  I really feel like he isn't a partner to me.  When I moved into a one bedroom, he kinda moved in too without us discussing it.  He was just here so much, but wasn't paying any bills or keeping with any household chores.  We were arguing so much I told him he had to leave.  He said he would leave but he wanted us to work out.  So I feel him moving out didn't solve the problem, it just eliminated the symptoms.  If we got married it would probably be the same thing.  3.  I am about to get an MBA. He lied when we first met and told me that he was majoring in engineering.  I've come to find out he didn't graduate high school.  4.  He is 28 and lives at home with his mom.  I feel that he has no real ambition and has no problem with having a woman support him.  I got a new car and he drove it like it was his but didn't put gas in it or help with the car note or car insurance.  My parents still help with my expenses but I feel they shouldn't have to with a man 5 years older than me living here and using my things.  He says they shouldn't either but he never contributes.  It's irritating, but I know marriage is sharing. Maybe I'm just stingy with my things when I shouldn't be.  5. He doesn't want to do anything for himself.  If he's hungry, he tells me.  If he needs to go to the post office, I have to go with him.  He's afraid to do anything on his own.  I think he has self esteem issues.  I feel like I have to take care of my own business (school and work) and his business.  If I work late and he's off (yes, he has a job) he will take chicken out the freezer so when I get home I can cook dinner.  I know he grew up different than me and I know he's gone through things that have affected him.  It's not an excuse but I understand.  He loves and I love him too.  I don't want to leave him behind after four years, especially being pregnant, but I don't know if we can make this work. Can we?

A. You definitely can't make it work the way it is now. He's simply moved out from his mother and straight into a similar situation where he has everything done for him. He needs to grow up and be willing to act as an equal partner rather than a moocher. Love is not enough for a lifelong commitment. You're not being unreasonable or mean at all. Of course you want to share your home and possessions with a loved one but you also need things and he's giving nothing back. You say you have been fighting the whole 4 years. Doesn't that tell you something? You need to ask yourself why you can't let go of him. That is your issue which you need to get to the bottom of so that you don't keep making the same mistake over and over. For now, you've got the chance to make a fresh start. If you decide to take it, make the best of your new home, degree, new baby etc. Don't look back. If this guy really wants to make a life with you, he'll have to man up, get strong and develop a life he'd be proud to offer you in the future.

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